Author's Notes {SSLP} [Behind The Scenes]

  Hello, normal people. I'm Joshua Chitwood. Yes, that's my real name. You pronounce it like “Chip” with a “T.” Not like that other work you're thinking of. You know, the poo word. Anyway, I thought you might want to know about the thought process behind what I write. So, I'm about to fully explain all the previous songs to you. If that sounds boring, just hit the Next Track button.

  Concept

  GLaDOS: “Surely only a massive Sonic fan could write something like this!” That's you. That's how dumb you sound!

  Truth is, I was a big Sonic fan as a kid and I still play the mainline games and watch the movies. Shadow Generations was shockingly good and the movies are average, but I hate 2 and 3. Anyway, I fell out of love with it all when I developed the ability to critically think. Sonic stuff always lures you in with cool looks, but never delivers on the story or gameplay, most of the time. So, why write so much about this dumb guy? Because, Sonic has too much lost potential for nobody to use it. So, I guess I wanted to.

  Started listening to Eminem right before the DoSS album came out. I was curious and I wanted to know where he fell off as a singer. Turns out, he never fell off. He started off at the top of his game and never came back down. I really liked The Real Slim Shady, to the point where I'd think of my own lyrics to the song, which is probably why rap is so popular. I then went “I should probably start at the beginning, because that's a good intro song.” Now, I know what you're thinking. “Nice story, but where's Sonic come into it?” That's the thing. I don't have a clue. Little jerk just wormed his way in there from some deep hole in my skull.

  That said, I once wanted Sonic to be my Eminem on the songs, because they both came from the 90s and they both were made to have a bad attitude. In a way, Slim Shady is what Sonic should've been, at least closer to it. I also wanted me to be his Dre. Easy enough rhyme. J, Dre. That and there was the joke that I was saving Sonic's drowning career. That said, after a while, it just made more sense to make us both two different parts of Eminem. Sonic being the wacko crazy side and me being the actual person side. So, when you see Sonic's dialogue you can imagine just the original Slim Shady voice, but when you see mine you can imagine whatever voice Eminem had at the time the song was released.

  “But, why are you writing this stuff in the first place?” Well, I thought it up. Can't just let it get moldy up there, or else it'll infect my other stuff.

  My Name Is

  We're taking this crap line by line. I'll highlight the rhyme schemes as we go. But first, the sketch. I love the way Em uses sketches on his albums, so I wanted to make a few of my own. Of course, the song talks about some classroom stuff, so I set it in a classroom. I also made it very meta because I didn't want you to take it too seriously. I mean, it's a joke song with Sonic in it rapping like Eminem. That said, I do get real at some points. Maybe you feel that. Think of it as a weird kind of stress relief that somehow really works. Anyway, the song.

  Sonic: My name is, slicka slicka, Slim Speedy!

  Joshua: My name is, fliki fliki, Fake Shady!

  Fake Shady comes from The Real Slim Shady. I thought “Well, I'm not the real Slim Shady. So, what if I was the real Fake Shady?” Then of course, I needed to make Sonic “Slim” something and that was the first thing that came to mind.

  Sonic: Hi, kids! Do you like violence?

  Kids: Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!

  Sonic: Wanna help me stick my quills through Robotnik's eyelids?

  Joshua: Wanna copy me and do exactly like I did?

  Kids: Yeah! Yeah!

  Joshua: Write fiction and get messed up more than my mind is?

  I wanted to stick pretty close to the original song at first. Later I found my footing and started to deviate more. Also, the quills through eyelids line is a joke on what the whole Sonic series is based on. You want to beat up Eggman and kill him.

  Sonic: My brain's dead weight. I can't get my head straight.

  Joshua: Stuck trying to figure out which fake girl I made up in my head space I'd like to inseminate.

  Well, I write my own books besides all the nonsense I'm doing on here. Sometimes you think up a woman and then you get attracted to the fake woman you just created, even though she doesn't exist.

  Sonic: I don't understand. What does that mean?

  Joshua: Don't worry, man. Keep yo mind clean.

  This is a joke on just how young Sonic normally is in his media, even though he raps about filthier stuff than this later.

  Sonic: And then, J said-

  Joshua: “Slim Speedy, you basic.”

  Sonic: “Nuh-uh!”

  Joshua: “Then, why's your series dead? Man, you're wasted!”

  This is me both stepping on the walking corpse of the Sonic series and mourning its lost potential.

  Sonic: Well, I loved the Dreamcast, felt like such a blast, wish it weren't the last, but it fell down too fast.

  This is Sonic mourning how short the Dreamcast's life was, and an unintentional reference to blast processing.

  Joshua: When I get ticked off, I rip McNulty's tips off. They suck so hard-

  Sonic: My eyes go backwards and crisscross.

  McNulty is this writing tips channel on YouTube that either gets things wrong, or is not specific enough to help anybody. So, yeah. There are real disses here.

  Joshua: I like fell asleep in class and was given the task to go home and passed!

  This is pretty much a true story. I nodded off as a kid and the teacher, instead of just letting me continue the day like normal, sent me to the front office. I had no clue why at the time, but whenever I went there it was usually to call ma 'cause I got sick or something. So, I called her and got to go home early. As far as I remember it, I never got in trouble and she never questioned it. Always nice going home early, especially now.

  Sonic: Hey, J. Why write if people only look and scoff?

  Joshua: I don't care. The Lord sent me to send my book off.

  This is a joke on how when I show my stuff to random people in writers circles, they don't get what I'm trying to do and they hate it because it isn't like everything else they've read. It's also a reference to my Christianity and how I think writing is the Lord's purpose for me.

  Joshua: Junior high is where it really went awry. Started to hate my life, though my dreams were in the sky.

  Never went to junior high. Always dreamed big. “Big” as in I want to be a successful writer and have a family.

  Sonic: Chased 'round the publishers, who became mental punishers. Printed the book and stapled the stack of papers. The tale's my lady and I can't escape her.

  There was a time where I wanted to get a publisher because I had no clue what I was doing. But, I also want to keep my books looking the way I want them to. So, now I self publish. Also, this story I'm writing is always on my mind. Can't escape it. Weird that Sonic's the one singing that part, though.

  Oh! And, this line, “ Printed the book and stapled the stack of papers.” Someone we know said they were a publisher. What do they think a publisher is? They give you a book style guide and connect you with people who can print your book. That's like me saying I'm a publisher because I know how to use Amazon. Anyway, we stapled together a very rough-looking version of the book

  Joshua: Walk into my game hub, start up my own club. Lonely as a bear cub. Retreat into my mind, become a pretender. Look at what I find, became my book's director.

  I typically game alone. I like singleplayer games and offline games. Why would a bear cub be lonely? It's a bear. That's why. Also, I've had thoughts of my books becoming movies one day.

  Sonic: Documentarian. Filming pedestrians. Paying thespians-

  Joshua: While I'm screaming, “Can We Be Friends?!”

  Just imagine an actual director doing that. Walking at his coworkers, arms out, yelling “Can We Be Friends,” like the song by War.

  Sonic: Most of my life, I was lied to.

  Joshua: Just found out my mom types worse than I do. Told her I'd grow up to be a famous author, never said the part where I'd be a bigger bother.

  This one time, I found her kinda doing this hunt and peck thing and I thought it was funny, because I type with one hand. I'm like, “I thought I typed slow.” That said, who am I to judge? Also, if think one-handed typing is some perverted thing, it ain't. Games teach you to use the mouse and keyboard at the same time. By the time they tried to teach me the “Right” way, it felt weird. Plus, one hand just feels more manageable. I'd rather type slow and with purpose than blast through a chapter without thinking, like Stephen King.

  Sonic: You know you blew up when you draw in all the fans. Knocking over stands. Screaming with all they can. I met this guy at Sonic who wanted an autograph. Signed it so poorly, made my own self laugh!

  This is probably some subtle joke about my own bad handwriting. I don't remember. It's been months.

  Joshua: Stop the tape!

  Sonic: Why do we have to wait?

  Joshua: I can't think! My mind needs to create! I'm not ready to stop! Wanna do the whole song.

  Sonic: Who cares if it ain't slop? Even if it's the top dog you still won't belong.

  I wrote this parody in an afternoon, so I was running out of steam at this point. So, why not write about what you're feeling?

  Joshua: Am I thinking, or stinking? I can barely make rhymes! Just did a ton in one go. Dare to look at the time?

  Sonic: All my life, I was very deprived. Ain't had a good meal in years, and my pangs are too painful to hide. No clothes like the Incredible Hulk. All I got is friends. Don't got any bulk.

  I was getting pretty far in the day at this point. The Sonic line is based on the fact that, with Robotnik oppressing the world, Sonic wouldn't have as much food in his life. Also, he has no bulk because he's always drawn with these super cartoonish arms. Very thin.

  Joshua: When I was little, I wanted to be past my writing limits. How you gonna proofread me, ma? You ain't got no tips! I lay awake, strapped in thoughts in my bed. Put a goofy expression on as I think about being dead. I'm steaming mad, and by the way if you see my dad, tell him I only wanna see him in the dreams he has.

  It's not just ma, but whenever I show my stories to people they just have nothing to say about them. I'm like, “At least say something negative.” I showed a couple chapters to Grok on X, an AI, and it had more to say than people do. Anyway, my dad and I ain't that close. He won't see me. I won't see him.

  Sonic: I think that's a bit too dark to end on, don't you?

  Joshua: Dark was good for Marshall. Why not us too? I'm done with thinking. No more stories to tell. Time for water drinking, and eating candy gel.

  Sonic: I know this started off lighthearted at first, but as it went on it got a little worse. Before we get done, just know it's all fun, even if it ain't all a joke. Now, go to sleep, you bloke!

  I felt like the ending might've been too real, so I stapled on this little PSA at the end to make sure you don't take it too seriously. And, part of it is a reference to Houdini.

  Guilty Conscience

  Talking about the original Pinocchio movie, I hate that piece of trash. It's just going from one weird scenario to another without much connecting each event to an overall story. I really am criticizing that little cricket in that skit.

  Joshua: Alright, Stop! Before you hack the core of that store, I implore you make sure to think about the consequence.

  Fred: (Who Are You?!)

  Joshua: I'm another guilting conscience!

  Sonic: Like Mike Pence with car dents harming his mind hints, that's nonsense! Go in, grab all the games, and hide in your dame's internet mainframe! You'll be safe to laze with Lays for days as you graze the Thames in Legacy of Kain, which I still haven't played!

  Real song has a guy robbing a store, I have a guy hacking a store. I put “Another Guilting Conscience” because Dre was the original and I'm just another one. Don't know much about Mike Pence, but I don't think he's a good politician. The car dents line implies that a car crash would make you think poorly. As for Legacy of Kain, I really still ain't played it yet. Have it though.

  Joshua: Yeah, but if it all goes through like it's supposed to, it'll show you and your games to all who know you. They'll get their own clue and expose you! Just, think it over before your hacking burst. Look at your pet bird, man! It's dying of thirst!

  This is a little rough, and it sets up the next line.

  Sonic: Screw That! Grab a hammer, smash her, tag her, bag her, throw her at your niece, kidnap her, slash her, stab her, and Gift Wrap Her!

  Joshua: Calm Down, Slim! You're just a rapper!

  Sonic: Shut up, dude! Speedy wanna cracker.

  This bit is stripped from later in the song where Em goes nuts. Thought I'd go nuts myself. Did you have fun? Do you like fun?

  Fred: (Maybe instead I'll go to the crack store)

  Sonic: Yeah!

  Joshua: Nah, man. That'll make your family hurt more. Don't be bad and rude.

  Sonic: Know what, J? I don't like yo platitude!

  Don't do drugs. Anyway, I wanted something to rhyme with the original song's “Attitude.” Came up with platitude first, then bad and rude. Sometimes you gotta know the ending before the start.

  Sonic: Now, listen to me. Do just as you think. Grab that mink, put her on the sink, and hit her with your spring 'til she sings! All you gotta do is make sure the parents ain't home.

  Joshua: Man, use your own brain dome! It's your little sister. In the game, she ain't fair!

  Sonic: Listen to his thoughts. You think he cares?

  Dan: (Uh-uh)

  Sonic: Kiss her lips 'til she's into the affair and doesn't even care how she got there!

  Joshua: It's a nightmare! Don't you make games for kids?

  Sonic: Not if you count all the rule34 I'm in!

  I don't know why my mind went here. I guess incest is just funny. Gross, but funny. Then, rule34 refers to adult imagery. Seeing that Sonic's pretty popular, he likely has a ton of it. People are weird like that.

  Joshua: You really think this'll make you alpha male?

  Sonic: Yup! Hit that chick, write that skit, and sail!

  “Chick” may not be that flattering, but it's better than the word it replaces.

  Joshua: Alright! Calm Down! Don't go beating-

  Sonic: Screw That! You just saw this chick's only creaming elites with cheats! While You were making the game, She was trying to break it?! Screw divorce! Take this fake chick to a snake pit and dump her in there naked!

  Don't do cheats.

  Joshua: Wait! What if there's an explanation for this-

  Sonic: What?! She tripped, fell, landed on a click, and scored free hits?! You'd have to get shot in the head to get that brain-dead!

  I really like that brain-dead line.

  Joshua: Alright, Sonny. Maybe you got a point, honey. But, think of the money before you get all funny.

  Sonic: Okay, thought about it? Still wanna sack her? Fill a bag of cash and smack her? Make a body pile and stack her? That's what I'd do. Be smart, dude. Wanna take advice from some lame guy who failed to make his own game fly?

  I think it's cool that Dre actually let Em diss him in the song, so I wanted to really diss myself. When I was little and had no clue about anything, I took an online class with Digipen to figure out how to make games. Turns out, it's hard. Still know nothing about code.

  Sonic: Yeah. Those coding classes you took and dropped to fail at making books! Didn't think I'd remember?

  Joshua: I'll Kill You, Little-!

  Sonic: Ah, ah! Temper, temper, mister J! Mister never swear on a page, but it's fine in the brain cage to let out all your rage no matter how misplaced! How you gonna tell this guy to be patient?

  Joshua: 'Cause, his mind's normal and mine's bent! Aw, screw it! I know how to deal with this scat! Come on, Jamie! Where's yo rat-a-tat at?

  I don't swear for any reason at any time, despite really wanting to sometimes. I sure think them though. Then, rat-a-tat means gun, but rhymes better.

  Role Model

  I thought I'd open up on something believable and funny. I could see Mister Beast killing himself for views if he got desperate enough, as a joke of course. Of course. : |

  Sonic: I'm like cannabis. Every time you ask me “Can I diss,” I wanna make you smoke on this! Gonna shoot me? Do not miss. Amy just gave me a kiss and I don't wanna remember it. I'll beat you to death, then skin you again. Give you so much penicillin you thought I didn't win.

  Smoke on this of course refers to the penis. You know, that thing you likely have if you're reading this? Then, of course this version of Sonic drugs his opponents into amnesia, or something.

  Amy: Cream my mister dream and I'll level your lower layer equally. Tear your penis off and sing into it gleefully!

  Sonic: Lose a ton of money and still get my own show. 'Cause, like it or not, I'm more iconic than a Chozo!

  Kid: Bozo!

  Amy used to be that crazy. If only, am I right? Anyway, Sonic keeps making bad games, but always gets more TV shows. It's baffling to me as to how Sonic has survived this long with his track record.

  Sonic: Hey! If I ever say I never ate a bug, that would mean I'm lying and about to lay you out like a rug! Ken Penders tried to slap me with cuffs and make me court him. I said “Enough!” Went to the past, gave his mom an abortion! (I'm sorry!) Wish I had gored him instead, 'cause, like Shadow, I'm on edge.

  Shadow: Took Knuckles and ripped out his fake dreads! (Faker!)

  Sonic: Every girl I ever met, we on the mend. Follow me to know how yo life's gonna end.

  Everybody has to pick on Ken at some point, don't they? If you know, you know. I like bringing in all these other characters, but they're all the versions of them that Sonic has in his mind. Then, there's referencing how he's had lots of girlfriends, but always makes them mad.

  Sonic: Lick the face of who you like, kick a grandma off her bike, steal your bully's brand new trike, set ablaze a steeple, act like Em on the mic, and see what happens when Bad Meets Evil! You get burnt at the stake by random people!

  Just splitting up these lines to reuse the colors. Don't mind me.

  Sonic: My bum's good enough to get me a mate like Courtney Mil', but I'm dumb enough to set a date on Sandy Hill!

  Courtney Miller is a “Comedian” on the Smosh crew on YouTube. She's pretty in a weird way and married. So, a mate Like her. Why's it dumb to set a date on Sandy Hill? Besides the killer robots, there's sand, which is coarse and irritating and gets everywhere.

  Sonic: Some say I was better when I was black, ignoring skill. I give those folks a whack and then a kill. But, I don't get all ticked that y'all just went and hissed. How could I be white? I don't even exist!

  This refers to how people will always say the old Sonic games were better, which they probably were but still had jank, and how he was voiced by Jaleel White back then, a black man, despite the name. This line, “How could I be white? I don't even exist!” Is almost exactly just the original line. I like pulling off stuff like that.

  Sonic: Just, let me bake you a cake with cocaine flakes so you overdose and fall in the grave I paved for Dave the knave! My glove's cement. How do I wave? Touch the dial, ma! This ain't the way your kids ought to behave!

  Dave the Knave. A new character. You like character? You must like character.

  Tails: Follow along and do exactly as you see.

  Sonic: Don't you wanna grow up to be just like me?

  Knuckles: Did just as Em said and I OD,d.

  The Knuckles line here is a play on letters. M, N, I, O, D.

  Sally: Me and Bunnie Rabbot went to see Nicole. Heard a knock at the door. Must've been booster Gold.

  Bunnie: We both held a vote, then hung him with a rope by the scrote!

  The original has a “Nicole” and “Gold.” So, that worked out great! But, why do they hate Booster Gold? I guess they just like Sonic more, in his own mind.

  Sonic: (Ow!) My mind don't learn if my heart don't yearn. I put Scourge's body behind a fern just to mourn with Surge and earn her mirth! (Didn't work!) Call me the Egg slayer. Don't know I'm the sprayer in the ozone layer! Getting to me, the bad air. My mind needs repair. Even I'm scared about what's up there!

  More of this idea that this Sonic is willing to do anything for some thrills because he's wild on the inside. But how wild?

  Dark Sonic: Jumped into a Looney Tunes cartoon on the moon at noon. Soon, I gouged a goon's eyes out with a spoon!

  About that wild, apparently.

  Sonic: I'm about as normal as FF8. Put on my plate a full slate of hate as I debate my fate. (Go Masticate!)

  FF8 ain't that normal. Have you masticated? You should masticate all over your food and eat it.

  Shadow: Maria? Are you there? There's a GUN above you. Probably shouldn't shove me into that shuttle. Why can't I sat I love you? Can't we cuddle? Me and my muggle?

  They say Maria and Shadow were friends, but we all know there were some feelings there.

  Sonic: Will someone please tell me I'm insane and vain for killing me in vain and I'll feel the pain, but my brain ain't got the message that came?!

  Sonic 2: Take a breather, my silly guy! No need to be Wily, like the thorn in Rock-man's side. Why you getting shy? Wait. Okay, panic and cry. 'Cause, if you're not in control, then neither am I!

  Maybe Sonic is feeling some regret for being so crazy and doesn't really want to die, even though he has extra lives. But then, there's this part of him that feels like he isn't really in control. In a way, he isn't. These corporate people control his every move and attitude so he can't be rude. Oh! And, Rock-man is the Japanese name for Mega Man. Wily's the villain.

  Sonic: So, if you see me rapping crassly, it's probably plain to see I ain't classy! And, me doing Em and Slim will likely get me a copyright strike tonight without them having the might or right to be polite, and that's alright 'cause we alike!

  If you come across this story on Amazon, be aware that it has been stolen from Royal Road. Please report it.

  Basically, Em could take down these parodies if he wanted to and he'd be right to do it, 'cause I might've done the same.

  Espio: I arrived at the bar drunk with Charmy Bee.

  Sonic: Don't you wanna grow up to be just like me?

  Egg: I've got twenty thousand different kinds of STDs.

  Sonic: Now, don't you wanna grow up to be just like me?

  Rouge: I bedded more cohorts than a war could see.

  Sonic: Don't you wanna grow up to be just like me?

  Shadow: Tie a noose around my neck and jump while I pee.

  Sonic: You probably wanna grow up to be just like me!

  Something you might miss is that Espio and Charmy were already drunk when they got to the bar. So, drunk people going to drink some more. Then, you have Eggman being bizarre. I think I might actually make him take Bizarre's place later. “Why'd you make Tails 50?” Why? He's Eminem's partner in rap. His sidekick, and I'd feel weird using a dead rapper. Respect to Proof.

  Then, you have Rouge, being promiscuous as usual, or at least as how she used to be. I can't understand some of the terrible modern Sonic series voices. Anyway, we end on Shadow both being edgy and showing some inner cowardice, which is interesting when you consider this is how Sonic thinks of Shadow.

  Rock Bottom

  This one continues straight from the last sketch. Since Em was really real with this song, I wanted to share some of the thoughts I had working in real places. As opposed to fake places, I guess.

  Sonic: I wish I was famous, but not for having sex on the internet. I need street cred, but my career's a wreck. Don't wanna flex or stress my pecs for a worthless check. Just want respect. I'll let you go next. Do your best.

  Bringing it back to that rule34 line to start off, but Sonic wants respect for his actual games. Not for the art people made of him and not for fanfics like this.

  Joshua: Open a page and my mind gets erased. Making a wage, but it's filled me with rage. Go to a publisher and say, “Thanks for your time today. I'd like to be a writer.” No answer? I guess I'll write tighter. Watching younger authors find their paths nicer. Wish I had a brain that was wiser.

  Sometimes, you get ready to write and just nothing comes to you. Or, you had something in mind and then it leaves you. “Why would you be mad at making money?” I don't wanna just make money. I want to write for a living. It sucks not being able to. Then, you go and email publishers, but you get no response and think it's your fault. Guess I'll write tighter. Then, some younger people make millions off of books 'cause they knew something you didn't, or they complied with the writing “Norms.” You have to write in this format. You have to be exactly this subtle, despite the fact that you are being subtle and I just can't see that. You have to be creative in our way. Screw that. I'd rather fail my way than win the brainwashed, normal way. Anyway, rant over.

  Joshua: We all hope that right job'll find us. We all hope the money won't blind us. Fact is, it's already got you mindless. Make another dollar instead of showing kindness. Keep the same old job no matter how spineless. Just wanna get my story out there and leave the cash behind us.

  Money easily trains you into earning more of it just for the sake of having it. It makes you mean, it keeps you in the same job, it makes you stop thinking and just makes you work for work's sake. If I could just get my stuff out there and get people talking about it, screw the money. But, we all have to live, don't we?

  Joshua: When life makes you lose your will!

  Sonic: That's rock bottom!

  Joshua: When you want something bad enough to kill!

  Sonic: That's rock bottom! When you feel you wanna die, but there ain't no reason why!

  The wanting to die lines were originally mine, but I gave them to Sonic. I don't wanna die, I just feel like it sometimes, you know? I think we all get like that.

  Joshua: My room is full of nice things, but what about my dreams? Don't care about the blinging. Just want something with meaning without having to be mean in these beats. Wanna have a daughter. We could shoot the skeets. I'd be lucky to get a lovely lady to wear my ring.

  I have all the games and things I could ever ask for and then some. Doesn't take too much money to get there, but I'd rather have a family of my own.

  Joshua: But, I feel discouraged, divergent, and indifferent. Just keep paying that mortgage. Stays the same rate, but feels like it takes more than it did the last pay date. And, I'm sick of working jobs that don't care how many days they take away. Sick of giving myself a deadline, then delaying until May. If we all going the same way, why's it feel like I'm living in the slow lane?

  More on money making you mindless. Sometimes, you pay the bills and your wallet looks a lot more empty than it was before. Then, there's the jobs that want you to work seven days a week and on certain holidays And they take away vacation days. These guys gotta treat workers more like customers. You could lose a good worker any day of the week. I've seen it happen. Anyway, I've wanted to write more, but life and sluggishness just gets to you.

  Sonic: It's fun to be the gamer, but it sucks to be the man who has to stand in front of a guy like Stan.

  Stan: Wanna join my clan?

  Sonic: No thanks, but here's a grand. Don't spend it on a gram.

  Every celebrity has to see some weird people at conventions. I had a booth at this comic-con next to the original Silver Ranger, guy has my book BTW, and he had to meet this Furry guy in a full costume. He acted cool about it, but I can't imagine what other weirdos are out there. Oh, also don't do drugs.

  Joshua: Rather spend my time with a family of mine in a house built for six instead of being in the mix with depressing lunatics getting highs from drugs they kicked. They walk around all stressed and smoke a pack of cigs a day. Don't see all the stacks I lay. Thought I left work? Guess that was yesterday.

  Just complaining about coworkers. Sometimes, you're doing your job, but they're too caught up in what they're doing to care about how tired you're getting from all the lifting you have to do. Then, the days bleed into each-other.

  Joshua: All they do is trite, talk, detest, and play. But, who am I? Work half my life, write off the rest anyway.

  More complaints. Plus, you spend too much time at work, and on the internet.

  Sonic: That's rock bottom!

  Joshua: When all you got's cheap thrill!

  Sonic: That's rock bottom!

  Joshua: When your belly's filled with pills!

  Sonic: That's rock bottom! When you know you wanna die and you know the reason why!

  When you're just living for the next thrill, you're not healthy mentally. You're an addict. That dopamine gets released and you just can't help yourself.

  Sonic: There's people who love me, and people who hate me.

  Joshua: (Got that right)

  Sonic: But, it's the corporates who made me this kind, respectful, and matey. I got them money, women, low review scores, and shame. But, they ain't gonna be the ones scorching in pain. Put all the blame on the “Dave the knave” stick fig I made. It's all inane. Ruining my good name. Just get one person who's sane to make just one good game.

  Sonic isn't a character. He's an icon. One that has to be squeaky clean and one that can't change because the corporate people want it that way. Not a theory. Just facts. Comic writers confirmed it. Then, there's them not taking the blame for bad games, but shoving it off on anyone they can find, even a strawman. Occasionally, they get a good game out, but then the dev leaves to make Penny's Big Breakaway. Great game, by the way.

  Joshua: So, yeah. I hit rock bottom. Of course I've got mental problems. Everybody on the block's got 'em. Maybe it's normal to block 'em. Someone says it ain't, clock 'em. Got my book out, hoping it'll rock 'em. Ain't got a single head nodding. 'Course, you don't have to like it. That's yo right.

  Sonic: Don't mean to be snide. Just want more fans like you guys.

  Joshua: Still feels queezy, being on the ride of life. But, things always get easy on the other side.

  It feels like mental issues are getting so widespread that people just feel like they're normal. It's okay to have mental issues, but they're issues. Gotta acknowledge that part of it. Don't have many fans yet, but it would be nice to have more. Then, there's the “Other side.” I'm not talking about death here. I'm talking about getting past whatever's bothering you. Gets easier when you're past it, so hang in there.

  Sonic: That's rock bottom!

  Joshua: When you turn into a shill!

  Sonic: That's rock bottom!

  Joshua: When you just ain't got the skill!

  Sonic: That's rock bottom! When you really wanna die from all the pain you hide inside!

  Joshua: That's rock bottom! Wanna write like me, but think we're not alike? Truth is, we are. Just got a bit more bite.

  Nobody wants to just live to shove someone else's stuff, but some feel like they don't have the skills to do anything else. You don't. You need to build skill. You don't just have it. The last bit is me trying to encourage you to make your own parodies, 'cause we're alike. The only difference is I'm willing to write this crap down. Also, it's a Not Alike reference.

  Eminem's song was about not having money, but he had other stuff to keep him going. I wanted to make my version about more emotional issues.

  Just Don't Give A {Fluff}

  I thought this one would be tough because I don't swear and this one has the F word right in the title. Becomes a lot easier once you get it started. Sometimes, the words just come to you. I like using the lesser Sonic characters, so having Jet here was fun.

  Sonic: Slim Speedy. Y'all look at me like, “Him needy.” Thought you'd get a peace treaty? Like Mike, I came to beat cleanly.

  Beat cleanly is a double reference. Beat up like Mike Tyson. Beat, like making a song.

  Sonic: I'm drugging cousins, making husbands, I'm a naughty rotten crimer. Acting like a shoddy bottin' writer.

  He drugs his cousins, they sleep together, then they have to get married. That's the thought there. Then, there's the bad writers who use AI because they're not that creative.

  Sonic: You more jacked up than the wack buck you stole yo slacks from. You ain't gonna sell yo two lips if you promise to kiss bum. Admit it, suck it, while we comin' out in the open, I'm doing Placid Duck chicks while you crackin' and copin'!

  The placid ducks are a reference to that Placid Plastic Duck Simulator game. Cracking, as in getting mad or angry and coping as in the internet version where you're not coping. Makes sense, yeah?

  Joshua: My name is Joshua Chitwood, I'm a game-aholic.

  Crowd: Hi, Joshua.

  Joshua: I have no fans, but I'm still ballin'!

  Sonic: Better hide your crotch itch, 'cause I'm runnin' quick to strip yo pants.

  Joshua: Brought a cross stitch just to come and rip yo knacks!

  Sonic: Chicks in bunches pout just to get a fiddle, Jack!

  Joshua: Fakes gettin' punched out by Little Mac!

  Sonic: We kickin' 'em out like a hacky sack!

  Joshua: Better be holdin' yo tiny sacky back to get some slack!

  Doing fine even without fans. Rip knacks as in steal your stuff. Nick knacks. Fake women faking tears just to get you to serenade them. Then, you have the Punch Out reference. Then, you'd better hide that crotch before they kick it.

  Sonic: When you see me on the dock makin' a mock, screaming, “Blow Me Off” I mean suck caulk! {Call-k}

  Joshua: I just don't give a fluff!

  Sonic: Walking around with yo flock, talking smack like Harry Mack and saying I'm wack.

  Joshua: I just don't snuff a duck!

  Sonic: So, put my game back in the pack, run and tell 'em my stuff sucks yo crack.

  Joshua: I just don't stuff a buck!

  Sonic: But, see me on the beat and eat the muck. 'Cause, you about to get plucked, nulled, and cucked.

  Joshua: I just don't shuck a schmuck!

  Half of this is just having fun with similar words. I wanted to say the actual word up there, but I couldn't. So, I remembered that “Caulk” sounds just like it. Put the {Call-k} in there to make it seem like I meant to say it like that. But, did I? Harry Mack's a rappist. Freestyle. Not my style as much, but he's good at it. Crack, as in butt crack. Don't do drugs. I thought that “Cuck” was a swear, but it's not. Some cucks just get offended by it. Don't get why. Not like it's a good thing to be cheated on.

  Sonic: Smell nicer than Pete, “Better make a silly clone.” Idea won't last when I come to crush yo willy bone! I'm sick enough to nude strip you for no reason. Throw you out in winter season with crude nips freezin'! Spice without sneezin', this the freak you view. I skip the quality check, put out a monstrosity wreck, still say I'm peak you do!

  Pete as in Stinky Pete. Toy Story 2. Normally spice makes you sneeze, but Sonic's just spicy. Then, his games will come out as buggy messes and people will still somehow love them.

  Joshua: I'll make yo meek man leave you. Read the old epistles. This is James Bond, chick. Hold your golden pistols. My suit forms like Aran. Blast ya with colder missiles. Fake Shady. Eminem was the old potentials.

  No idea what that old epistles line was. Just there to rhyme more. Then, you have James Bond, his suit, Samus Aran's suit, which magically forms around her, and colder missiles. I remembered that some Metroid game had ice missiles, but not which one. That said, it's Metroid Prime 3: Corruption. That Eminem line is like “Look at me! I could be the new Em!” I'm not. He's got infinitely more experience than me, the music, and the ability to keep pumping out new raps constantly. Just fun to diss.

  Sonic: Nortin', courtin', workin' in orc pits. Path to logical liar, saying I'm supportin' Kevorkian. The tooniest, juiciest, extraneous, erratic! Compulsive thinker, impulsive stinker, dramatic! Half wolf, half hog. Feeding yo body to my dog as the Twitchers Pog!

  Norting is a Kingdom Hearts reference. Should you play it? Watch this first:

  Orc pits is just random, but you could say anywhere with bad working conditions is an orc pit. Kevorkian advocated for medically assisted suicide. People call him the death doctor. Sonic's an impulsive stinker because he can't help but make bad games. Sometimes being overly dramatic. Half wolf is a reference to Sonic Unleashed.

  Sonic: Still mature enough to eat Kid Cuisine. I'm a caged meme and I'm on stage screamin' when I could be burstin' machines! I'm the superior fiend, supremely mean.

  Joshua: Failin' up while my bud's just winnin'. Lyrically reigned in and I need a new pinion.

  Kid Cuisine is of course for kids to eat. So, Sonic ain't that mature. Caged because he can't have character development. On stage screaming because that's the setting. Failing upward is when you technically make a failure but keep getting promoted anyway, like half of Hollywood right now. Then, a pinion is a writing tool and it rhymes with opinion from the original song.

  Sonic: Screw cappin' a mule. I'm flippin' manhole covers.

  Joshua: I'll rewrite yo stool just to smell it better!

  Screws, caps, and manhole covers can be used to close things. Then, I'll try to rewrite bad stories sometimes.

  Sonic: Can't take no treasure. Busy gettin' stitches.

  Joshua: Sick of bosses riggin' problems just to stop me ditchin'. In school, I never said much. Too busy spewing ear blood. Kids mouths, words gushed. Made my skull crush, so hush hush! They say I'm slim-ing. They just got played and sprayed with Raid without a chance to evade, 'cause I'm just a thin bein'!

  You always have to fight a boss before getting the stuff they have, even when Sonic is super fast. Bosses will always try to get you to be at work longer no matter what. I was quiet in school and the other kids were really loud, to the point that I got a perforated ear drum. Probably just some ear infection did it though. Then, people say I'm slim, as in thin. Raid is bug spray. Don't drink it.

  Sonic: Don't mistake me for some bloke, or I'mma beat again! Think I won't grab yo toad and shears and cleave it in? Got ya so scared you run with expedience. But, got ya ensnared to beat you to obedience!

  Joshua: Better watch out for me and him, 'cause-!

  Again, beat as in sing and beat up. Then, there's more crotch torture. And, the original ends with rhyming “Median” with “Key to get in.” I think that sounds a little awkward, despite serving the story. So, I'm glad I found a better rhyme. “Better” as in it rhymes more.

  Sonic: Screw the entire party!

  Joshua: We out! Getting tardy, like Cardi.

  They end by leaving the party. “Tardy” as in late and retarded. “Retarded” as in mentally slowed, not necessarily a person with actual retardation. Cardi B is being called out here because she's just generally dumb. She criticizes how the cost of groceries goes up and then supports the people who brought the costs up, being the president and vice president. Probably got paid a ton for it though.

  Bad Meets Evil

  Knuckles and Sonic have butted heads multiple times before, so I thought it was obvious to put them together here. “Why not Sonic and Shadow? Why not two villains together?” Everyone expects the evil ones to be evil. Hearing this stuff out of a hero's mouth is funnier. Plus, I thought this would be more fun. So far, this is my favorite of the parodies.

  Sonic: Ahem!... I don't think. I float on the brink, trapped in J's brain meat. I'm not a real thing! I'm a ghost, rapped on this sheet! The corpus callosum is about as awesome as a Bellossom in blossom outta Autumn. Should've got some if your not scum, like Newsom with his blue thumb.

  Sonic doesn't think because I'm the one writing for him. “Rapped on this sheet,” as in rapping on the paper you're reading. But, also like a ghost wrapped in a sheet. The second half I was thinking about for some freestyle or something, but my writer brain took over and shoved it in here. I feel like there's a second brain up there that knows better sometimes. Anyway, Gavin Newsom is a democratic mayor of California and he's pretty bad at his job.

  Sonic: Don't fill yo red-dreaded dreadful head with dread. Got ya girl, but she still ain't dead. I ask you to come to the snark side, and you said?

  Sonic's kinda trying to uplift Knuckles. “Your girl's alive!” But, they're dead, so a fat load of good that does him.

  Knuckles: Who's harder? David Harbour, the men who fought at Pearl Harbor, or the masterful Master Emerald charter? I'll break into a girl parlor to get a shard-or Rouge's boobs gobbled. Head bobbled from the knowledge I garnered.

  In the original, Em has this line about Vietnamese people that's really edgy. I wanted a line like that. Ran it by someone and they didn't like it. Thank goodness they didn't, because I made better lines after that. Still got part of the Pearl Harbor line in there though.

  Knuckles: Kissed a vampire, intelligent liar. Gave her my spire in a pile driver. Abyssal. Wanna dare, man? I'll rip you open with bare hands and display you across these fair lands just to get at yo care plan! One track mind's sore. Buried a wide dork on the white shore and rested there with a light snore. I stay over-worked over the girth of the Mobian dirt, but we're coming to mobilize skirts!

  More Knuckles doing it with Rouge, 'cause they got that eye for each-other. Killing someone for the insurance payout. “Dork” can mean a whale's penis. So, burying a wide whale on the shore. Then, Knuckles works on Angel Island over the planet Mobius. “Mobilize skirts” as in get women.

  Sonic: 'Cause, this is what happens when Bad Meets Evil. We hittin' up the creepy steeple to kill rad, neat people.

  Knuckles: He's Evil, and I'm Bad, like the three dads J thought he had.

  Sonic: Above the law, as long as it's face is the Legal Eagle.

  Knuckles: I ain't a fan of legalese neither.

  Sonic: We ain't eager to be the Beatles either. Gettin' groggy. I need a needle ether.

  In the original, Em just rhymes the “Evil” part, but I wanted to rhyme all three words. Thankfully, I found ways to do it. Creepy Steeple is from Paper Mario. Ma got married three times. Not wed anymore. We can leave it at that. Legal Eagle is a YouTube lawyer who defended Captain Marvel for wanting to kill a guy for flirting with her a little too aggressively. I'd trust him to know the law as far as I can throw him, and I ain't no body-builder. Then, there's the fact that Sonic doesn't care about sounding nice like the Beatles. And, ethers in games give you more magic points, so it's like it's energizing him.

  Sonic: Gettin' hyper to mingle around with singles in crowds. Sprayin' my rounds around while pounding the clown to the mound, making a squeakin' sound. *Squeak* *Squeak*

  Knuckles: He's mentally cracked, like the bat who smoked crack in an ounce, which was a lethal amount.

  Sonic: No, I'm not! Just got up and I'm wound from Geiru's pink crown. I'm weak an' down. So, bow me out right now from these girly pigs, sow. Ow! Ow!

  “Rounds” as in semen. He's having sex with that Phoenix Wright clown. Didn't know her name 'til writing this, just saw that she was a meme. Didn't even see the memes. Then, if you're a tiny bat, an ounce of drugs may be enough to kill you. Oh, yeah. “Mound” can mean the clitoris, but I didn't want to be too rude, you know, so I made it so that you could think I mean a mound in the ground. “Pink crown” being the vagina. It's all pink and circular. “Sow” as in the word for a female pig. I had to set up that word by getting you to think about girly pigs right beforehand. That said, did you get it?

  Knuckles: The disaster with dreads. I'm bad enough to lie, stride into yo life all sly, and steal yo threads. In my manger, I ate Humvee's. Now that I'm a dater, I eat feminine strangers, like Bunnie, and freeze the rest to lick later, like Eminem.

  Don't date guys like Knuckles. That's the point! He ate cars because he's tough. Now, he eats women, as in licks their crotches, which is why he saves some to lick later.

  Knuckles: Punch yo face at such a pace it just leaves a stain and red paste on my shoe lace. I'll leave a trace! Crap on yo bag and burnt it, took all the goods like I earned it. Find a new hotty, throw yo body in the potty, and worm in.

  I think it's funny that Knuckles was in the process of killing and hiding you when he sees a woman and just has to go after her.

  Knuckles: Wipin' you up crass, throwin' foes, smackin' maws. Rappin', I Can, like Nas. Breaking Angry Joes like they're made of Human glass.

  He's saying he can rap like Nas, but also “I Can” is a rap song by Nas. Angry Joe's a YouTuber, but you put Joe and glass together to get Glass Joe from Punch Out. Now that I think about it, I put in here Mister Dream, Little Mac, Glass Joe, and Donkey Kong. All characters in Punch Out.

  Knuckles: I'm barely grazing yo knees just to see how easily they bleed. Think you making a stink? Yo beak ain't as big as a raisin to me. You a flash in the pan. Set up a camera, man. Feed ya to a chimera, Stan. Make you mash in a flan.

  Flan's a kinda desert. Chimera's a mythical creature. Original song had “You ain't that eyebrow raisin' to me.” So, I'm glad I kept the raisin.

  Sonic: *Ring* *Ring* This Nick? This is Rick with something to say that's ironic.

  Robotnic: Make this quick, Sonic. What's up?

  Knuckles: Hang up! They know it's us!

  Just throwing in a quick skit to reset the tension.

  Joshua: *Click* Used to be a loudmouth, remember me?

  You: Uh-uh.

  Joshua: I'm the one who gutted yo clout out.

  Sonic: Oh.

  Joshua: Well, I'll spout aloud now.

  Knuckles: Nuts!

  Joshua: This time, I'm comin' back to get Cloud cucked, put 'em in the corner with tape so he can't shout up. Gimme some crap to adapt in a rap and I'll snap, stab the scab in yo back as I nap. Got shoes on my feet. So, when I leave, I'll step on the peak without skipping a beat.

  I first want the song to just be them two, but then I had this idea for the third verse instead to have a surprise cameo by me. Surprises are fun. Then, there's taking Tifa or Aeris and making Cloud watch. If it's modern Cloud, he might be glad to watch. That weak little... Anyway, yeah, I say Aeris. It's the better name.

  Sonic: This is what happens when cat meets beagle. Go back a few years to see that bat beats people.

  Knuckles: He's Evil, and I'm Bad, like the sequel starring squeakin' weasels. How'd we become equals? See you in heck for the prequel.

  Sonic: Heck! The squeaquel. Ha-Ha!

  Cats and dogs meeting is always seen as this terrible thing. Then, there's the covid bar. Covid came from a lab leak with a bat involved. Killed lots of people. Then, there's a reference to Alvin and the Chipmunks in there. Will I parody the Bad Meets Evil album? Maybe. We'll see.

  Still Don't Give A {Fluff}

  The letter at the start is just me speaking directly to you.

  Joshua: Zoned out at a point. They said, “You need a better editor.” Either hadn't read it or they a redditor. Same arguments get me annoyed. A guerrilla diss without the glue? So, spew ya poo as ya do. I will resist all this salt mist.

  Sometimes, I share this stuff online. Whether or not they say something nice, nobody ever says what they liked or hated. Doesn't help me at all. Then, there's a guerrilla glue reference. “What does 'All this salt mist' rhyme with?” Itself. All/Salt. This/Mist.

  Joshua: Makin' a mock, me and my flock'll give you a shock as we rock ya. But, gimme slack and I'll stack thumbtacks where you sat so they-

  You: Ack!

  Joshua: Go up ya bum crack.

  I don't mind if you hate my stuff, I mind when you insult my work without an explanation for it. So, gimme slack with you're complaints and I won't take it.

  Sonic: Got ya chewing cud in the mud with blood on yo mug! So, how 'bout now, Raocow? Getting called out now for view counts that wound up in the ground muck. When I was born, mama mourned 'cause dad was corn. Vagina torn before she was gored by the Egg Lord. I'm bored as I abide and stride to stay alive. Let me get my sword and blind strike yo skull's tight hide as you cry, “Leave Me Where I Lie!”

  Cud and cows. I wanted to go with the regular brown cow rhyme, but my writer brain stopped me. Raocow's this YouTuber who's been around forever, but has very few subscribers and views to show for it. I can see why. His titles, thumbnails, and mic are all awful, plus a weird upload schedule. Anyway, Sonic's dad was corn because he's corny, but corn isn't made for sex, so it'll tear you. Then, Sonic has to run for his life so much that he's bored with it now.

  Joshua: For all the dark thoughts I upended, I ain't gonna do! To all who feel offended-

  Sonic: This taint's for you!

  Joshua: To all the friends I used to have, I miss my past. But, all those who wanna end me can kiss my rash! For all the games I had won, I'm still gonna do.

  Sonic: To all the GUNs I did done, ya got no will to shoot!

  Joshua: Every time I reminisce, Imma miss my past. But, I Still Don't Give A Fluff!

  Sonic: Y'all can Sip My Sass!

  Because I'm getting out all my dark thoughts, I'm not gonna do them, you know? Still gonna play the games I've already beaten. Dark Souls is never finished.

  Knuckles: Wanna hit Jet Hawk's cleft jaw with my left claw and leave it a wreck, mauled. Give a Wave as I choke you 'til ya go blue, but ya like it don't you? This just won't do. Gotta crush ya marrow 'til it busts out yo narrow veins. Give this Sparrow pain 'til her voice echo wanes. You could say that I'm sane, but you'd have to be insane. Brain train wrecked at the station on the other side of twenty brothering nations. Need a better explanation? I need better pay then!

  There's Jet again and Wave the Sparrow. Then, you have your train of thought crashing so far away from you that it'll take weeks before you get a signal from it.

  Tails: Yo! Let me drop on this song like the bomb I lobbed at Donkey Kong, the monster dong who'll never get along! Can't give ya my 50 cent, but my two cents is free. 'Cause, I'm the nifty fifty who's thrifty and you miffed me. But, if you with me, then sing along swiftly!

  “Why make Tails 50 Cent?” I just thought it'd be funny if the guy who's treated like Luigi got this super deep voice. Also, he has to be Eminem's best friend. Would've made him Proof, but that didn't feel right.

  Sonic: Belly's full of laxatives while I'm axin' men, contractin' them, constrictin' slim, restrictin' in to get comeuppance while I'm crappin' pants, scattin' dance, cappin' rats, strapped for cash, rappin' trash!

  Sonic fighting men while pooping and rapping. Tee hee. Ha ha. Poo poo. Funny joke.

  Joshua: Made a book without budget. I ain't Warren Buffet. Got money, stuff it. 'Cause, I got just enough to go muggin'. Now, how am I supposed to write when I'm stuck in my head? More time makes it more tight? That's just somethin' that's said. Don't spread lies, Ned.

  Ned: Okay.

  When you're low on money, you might commit a crime. Don't do mugs. Sometimes, you get so caught up thinking about what to write that you write nothing. And, you can have a really tight script that's made in three minutes, or a really bad one that's made in twenty years. Then, I just like Ned's meek interjection there.

  Joshua: Follow dreams and make yo wishes. Running outta space for words written. Gotta get a new mission while cooking up rhymes, all sizzlin'. Ya think these lines are sloppy? Never gonna stop me. The bestest Shady copy. More jolly than Hunter on molly. Go ahead and mock me. Just look out for Johnny, the JoeStar I'm calling to put coal in stockings.

  I was running out of lyrics to parody on this first album. Should've said “Cooking up rhymes like I'm Michelin.” Feel free to use that. “Hunter” as in Hunter Biden. Guy got all kinds of drugged up. Then, you have your JoJo's Bizarre Adventure reference. Putting coal in stocking for you being naughty.

  Sonic: Why am I here in the first place? Got to the convention on Fur Day on a Thursday and I'm surprised at these gals' thirst strength. Cheating? You weren't today's first bang. Besides, who's to say it was me per se? Oh! You'd better get a new purse, eh. Used it to measure my girth length!

  Of course Sonic only goes to a convention to find women, but then they're furries, so they're super into him because he's a humanoid animal. I think the rest speaks for itself.

  This was tons of fun. Probably gonna do more. Don't know how much more. Clearly not ever song, but at least one per album. Wanna do a lot on The Death of Slim Shady. You'll never guess the plot twist. But, 'til then, this is really-

  The End of the Slim Shady LP (“LP” meaning “Long Play.” It's the type of record)