Chapter 4: Rebirth

  Shasa opened her eyes on a rainy afternoon. She looked around, confused. Someone was sprawled on a makeshift cot in a corner of her room, bundled up in a blanket.

  “Hello?” she asked. Her voice was raspy, and her throat laboured to produce the sounds. The device next to her bed turned green, and the door to the room pulsed with the same green glow.

  She looked around the room, rubbing the crust from her eyelids. There was a cold cup of half drunk coffee on the table nearby, and her house plants, for some reason, were in the room. A room that looked like a hospital room.

  Footsteps sounded around the corner. The door to her room slid open, and someone bounded in, eyes bright with excitement.

  “You’re awake! Finally!” the man announced loudly, with a wide grin. He was wearing a nurse’s uniform.

  The bundle in the corner of the room stirred, then the blanket slid off the figure beneath. Elo sat up, looked groggily towards the commotion, and his eyes widened. All traces of bleariness fled from his face, and he leapt from the cot, stumbling and almost falling flat in his hurry to get to her.

  “Shasa!” he croaked, and grabbed her by her shoulders. He stared at her in disbelief. “You’re awake!”

  “Hey, be careful, we’ve got to get her examined,” the nurse said. The nurse pulled up some charts and data on the display by her bedside, and nodded to himself. “Looks good. I’ll get the doctor in.” He left, after another remonstration for Elo to be gentle with Shasa.

  “Elo? What’s going on?” Shasa murmured, confused by the tears flowing down his cheeks.

  “You’re awake,” Elo repeated. “Thank you.” He held her hand cautiously, gently, as if afraid any sudden movement would break her bones.

  “I…I’m in a hospital, right? What…what happened?” Speaking scratched her throat badly. “Water, please?”

  Elo jumped up to get her water. She drank greedily, feeling the cool liquid soothe her parched throat.

  The doctor arrived then, and Elo was unwillingly escorted from the room, so that the doctor could administer the requisite neural and cognitive tests. Elo’s eyes trained unblinkingly on her until the door slid shut.

  She began to put the pieces together as the seemingly never-ending tests continued. By the time she was declared fully recovered, she had remembered her last moments of consciousness those months ago.

  Her heart sank, as the weight of her choice crystallised in her chest.

  “No…” She shut her eyes. “And I didn’t even do it right,” she mumbled under her breath.

  When Elo was finally allowed back in to see her, she let him wrap her in a tight embrace. She hugged him back, and patted his back when he began to shake with sobs. He didn’t let go for a long time. A sour sensation pooled in her chest and seeped behind her eyes. She hadn’t even thought about Elo when she had made her decision. And now she had hurt him terribly.

  Elo eventually pulled away from her. He gave her a close once over, as if trying to catch any sign of something not right with her.

  She gasped and sat up suddenly. Elo grabbed her arm.

  “What? What’s wrong?” he asked.

  “Bru! I haven’t seen Bru in…it’s been two months? Three?”

  Elo’s face hardened. It was as if a heavy shutter slammed down in his eyes.

  He didn’t say anything for a few heartbeats.

  “That’s all you care about,” he finally said, tone icy. “Bru. Being with Bru. Killing yourself to be with Bru,” he spat.

  Shasa’s eyes widened. “You…you knew?”

  “You aren’t even denying it,” Elo scoffed, and backed away. “You would leave everything. Everyone. Me. You would hurt me, the worst way you could. For Bru.”

  “I didn’t mean to hurt you…I was… I just wanted to be…” Before Shasa could complete her sentence, Elo was gone. The door slid shut behind him.

  Shasa sat staring at the closed door, mouth open. It was the first time Elo had just walked away from her. They had squabbled, as all best friends do, but he had never seemed so profusely disappointed with her before.

  She had really screwed up. She hadn’t considered Elo’s feelings all these years. Even at the point of the biggest decision she had made in life, she had not once thought of Elo, of how he would feel. She had been a terrible friend.

  She sank back down in bed. Of course he was upset. She shut her eyes, suddenly drained.

  Elo didn’t reach out after that. Shasa tried to craft a message for him, but she didn’t know what to say, how to apologise. And so the days passed, with Shasa alone in the hospital, kept company by only the staff.

  She hadn’t known she could feel lonelier than she had after Bru had passed.

  Shasa next saw Elo at Heaven. She was waiting for her appointment with Bru, fidgeting in the waiting area as she thought about how to explain her months-long absence to him.

  The door to the cubicle at Heaven slid open on the hour of her appointment, and Elo exited.

  She gaped soundlessly at him.

  Elo looked flustered. “I…Hey. How are you?” he finally managed.

  “I’m good. I-” she looked at the ground. “I’m sorry, Elo. I’ve been…I…” she stammered.

  “It’s all good,” he said, and gestured at the open door. “Go ahead. Bru’s waiting.”

  He walked off before she could say anything else. A twinge of hurt twisted in her chest. She shook her head to clear her mind, and stepped into the room.

  It was like no time had passed. In a way, that was true for her. It had been months since she had visited, but to her, it was like she had closed her eyes in the water sphere, reopened her eyes in the hospital, and made her way here within the next few days.

  Bru appeared in the cylinder. His face flooded with a mixture of love and relief when he saw her.

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  “Shasa!”

  Then his face contorted with anger.

  “How could you do that?” he demanded, before Shasa could utter a word. “How could you break all your promises to me? You said you’d live for me. That you’d fulfill our dreams for me!” his voice quaked.

  Shasa teared, and looked down. “I’m sorry.”

  “Sorry? Really? You kill yourself, and you’re just…sorry?” Bru was yelling by this point.

  “You died first!” she snapped. “Don’t you dare talk to me about leaving!”

  Bru paled. He clamped his mouth shut.

  The silence dragged on.

  “I couldn’t take it anymore. I’m alone, Bru. You left me alone. All I have are these visits. There’s no one waiting for me when I get home. No one to have dinner with, to watch shows with. No one to take walks with. I’m all alone.”

  Bru looked stricken. He stared at her in a hollow silence.

  “I’m sorry I did it. Okay? I wasn’t thinking clearly. It just seemed…easier,” Shasa continued.

  “Say something, Bru,” Shasa pleaded after another long pause.

  “Shasa,” Bru cleared his throat. “I don’t want to be here anymore.”

  Shasa’s jaw dropped. “Don’t you fucking dare. Don’t you dare say that,” she hissed.

  Bru refused to meet her eyes.

  “This isn’t good for you. Or for me. I feel trapped. Helpless. Useless. What am I doing here? Other than holding you back, what am I doing? What can I do?” His words held the same emptiness his eyes did.

  “Shut up! Don’t say that!” Shasa stood up, grabbing hold of the cylinder from which Bru spoke. “You’re the only thing keeping me from…” she trailed off, realising how silly and pointless her statement was.

  “You tried to die, anyway. While I’m still here,” he finished for her. “Do you know what it was like getting news of your…attempt, and being stuck here? Unable to see you? Unable to make sure you were okay? Do you know how desperate I felt? How small, how pathetic?”

  She shook her head rapidly, shaking tears loose. “I’m sorry. I really am. I won’t try again. As long as you’re here.”

  “Shasa, be reasonable. It’s been years. You deserve to move on. To live, for real. I deserve to rest too, don’t I?”

  She began to tremble, her fists clenched.

  “Don’t say that,” she repeated.

  “You deserve to find love again,” Bru continued.

  “I will never love anyone but you! We were meant to be. You are the love of my life. Don’t push me away.” Her voice was strained.

  Bru was silent for a full minute. When he spoke again, his tone was calm, measured.

  “I have to tell you something,” Bru said. Shasa shook her head, sensing nothing but pain to come in his words.

  “Remember how we met?” Bru asked. She remembered, but she refused to nod, refused to acknowledge anything he said.

  “I asked to share a table with you, at that work vacation place,” he continued.

  Of course Shasa remembered. That place had shut down years ago, but she could still see it clearly in her mind. It was one of those co-working spaces, but designed to look like a resort somewhere on the beach. The decor was incredibly well done. The work booths were designed as picnic areas with daybed chairs, complete with sand, ocean sounds, seashells, picnic mats and baskets. People worked there in their beach outfits, enjoying the simulated views of the ocean and blue skies projected onto the glass dome that surrounded them. They even brought in the occasional seagull. Trained ones that were more like pets, who wouldn’t steal food from them. Sometimes, the manufactured tides would wash up starfishes and other little sea creatures. Shasa loved every bit of that place.

  For all that beauty and meticulous attention to detail, the owner charged cheap rates for rental of the booths there. Shasa couldn’t understand how the place could run on such low rental rates. When she finally got to speak to the owner during a visit, the owner, a friendly old lady, said something to her about giving back to society. She had made enough throughout her life, and wanted to do something to alleviate the dreariness of those who had to do more traditional work hours. She died a year or so after opening the space, and the space didn’t stay open for long after that.

  While it was open, though, Shasa was a regular. On one of her work days there, Bru had walked into her life. He had approached her, asking to share her workbooth. She had looked around, seen that there were one or two unoccupied workbooths left, and raised her eyebrow at him.

  Bru had simply grinned cheekily, waiting for her response. She had acquiesced, finding herself drawn to the carefree vitality he exuded.

  He had plopped himself down on the spare daybed chair by her side, and whipped out a sketchbook.

  Her interest was immediately sparked.

  “You draw?” she found herself asking.

  His grin widened. “I’m learning,” he said, turning the sketchbook towards her. On its pages, she saw awkwardly formed curves and lines, and could only make out with difficulty the oddly shaped fishes formed by those etches.

  Without thinking, she giggled, then blushed. “It’s not bad,” she said apologetically. “Do you like the ocean?” she asked, hoping to redirect his attention from her initial reaction.

  He nodded eagerly, seemingly unperturbed by her giggling. “I find it…” he paused, and his eyes took on a faraway look for a moment. Then he simply shrugged. “I just love it,” he said simply. “I’m actually looking to get into diving one day.”

  Shasa brightened.

  “I’ve been a few times,” she said excitedly. “It’s amazing. You should do it.”

  “Oh yeah?”He smiled, eyes sparkling. “You should take me diving. Show me the ropes.”

  Shasa flushed again. Then she nodded, to her own surprise.

  They made plans, right that day. They spoke for hours, her work for the day cast aside. She found him well-versed in many areas of her interests. The quirky behaviours of certain wild animals, the best forestry practices, rumours of ancient lost worlds, famous shipwrecks, he had at least some passing knowledge of these random topics, and could speak at length about several of them.

  By the time the simulated sunset had painted the work space in hues of pink and orange, she had decided, then and there, that Bru was the one for her.

  The Bru in the cylinder before her spoke, pulling her back to reality. “I had seen you around before that day,” he admitted. “Before I came up to you at the work vacation place.” He looked away. “I saw you with Elo, and Elo was an old friend from school.”

  Shasa’s head snapped up in surprise.

  “I was smitten. The moment I saw you, the way you laughed, the energy in your stride, your unself-conscious gestures. I reached out to Elo. Asked him about you. He said you guys were best friends. I asked him to help me out.”

  Shasa stared at him in shocked silence.

  “He told me about going diving with you. He told me about your interests, things you cared about. I…I read up on them.” Saying the words seemed to pain Bru physically. He couldn’t look Shasa in the eyes.

  “I was already interested in a lot of the same stuff, I’m not a complete psycho,” he added quickly. “But I…I wanted to engineer the perfect meeting. I wanted to get your attention. To impress you.”

  Shasa shook her head. “No, don’t…You’re lying, you…”

  “Elo knew a lot about you, knew exactly what would spark your interests. He knew about little habits and pet peeves of yours. I was lucky enough that he thought of me as a good guy. He told me all I needed to know to not screw things up, to increase my chances.”

  Bru hesitated. “I didn’t know how Elo felt about you then. He was clueless about his own feelings too, I think. That’s why I asked him, and that’s why he helped me out. But as the years passed, I could see it. More and more clearly. Elo thought he was a free spirit, someone destined to be unfettered by things like love and relationships. But I saw the way he looked at you, saw how he took care of you. Always as a friend, but I knew he felt more than that.”

  “No, stop. Stop it,” Shasa muttered, and covered her ears with her hands.

  “He loves you, Shasa. He still does. And he was the whole reason you fell for me. I was…I was using what he told me about you.”

  “Shut up! I said stop it!” Shasa cried.

  “Shasa, you should give it a shot. Elo, he’s alive, he can give you what I can’t. He can be there by your side, having dinners with you, watching those shows you like…”

  Shasa left the cubicle.

  The door slid shut, and Bru stared at the empty space before him, misery etched on his face. Then the cylinder powered down.