Chapter 2: For Me, This Amount of Energy Spent Was Expensive

  This is definitely one of those romantic setups I've seen in those fictional stories.

  No—wait.

  I shook the thought away, as I stood up. I got a better look at her. Her brown hair flows perfectly, it's long too. Shiny hazel eyes, her features are—

  Okay, I'm losing the plot.

  I assumed she was a freshman—she had that "deer in the headlights" look that usually wears off by sophomore year. She averted her gaze to the dark wooden floor after the long pause of Ophelia's absence. Ophelia acted as the falling bridge in this moment as two strangers fell while crossing it.

  Her lack of eye-contact is ironically even more awkward than genuine eye-contact.

  "Hey, uhh.." I started, looking away while rubbing the back of my neck. The classic defensive gesture.

  Aaxya looked at me, then immediately averted her gaze, her fingers tangling nervously in a strand of her hair.

  Do people actually do that? I wondered. She's even more socially bankrupt than me, that's surprising.

  Instead of retreating back to my philosophical cage of maxium security—I realized that this was reality of being assigned a job from someone who was capable of manipulating the social hierarchies.

  Brilliant. I'll add Ophelia Clawthorn to my list of people to avoid for the next millennia.

  "A-Aaxya, right? I'm Zeke. Nice to meet you," I said, my voice cracked spiderwebs.

  ?"Mhm. Nice to meet you," she replied. Her accent was heavy, a melodic contrast to my flat, tired tone.

  I looked at the two hallways branching off from the library. "Which way do you want to start? There’s two hallways here."

  ?Aaxya froze. She stared at the carpet as if she were now interested in furniture sales, which honestly isn't too bad of an interest.

  I realized my mistake: I forced a girl who has no idea what she's doing into making a life-altering decision that could easily shatter her already low self-confidence into millions of pieces.

  Kind of an over-exaggeration, but I should've just taken initiative rather than deflecting my responsibilities...

  ?Finally, she pointed right. I nodded, and we began our walk.

  The walk didn't take very long before the tension between us became unbearably thick. It's enough to make me sweat in even the coldest of climates. Folding under pressure is a huge weakness when you try to show strength, especially to a peer you've just met that heavily relies on your guidance. That peer so happens to be the innocent girl beside me.

  "This leads to the upper floor," I said, gesturing vaguely at the steps. "That’s where the upperclassmen reside. You’ll probably find Ophelia up there."

  Hey, I'm not half-bad.

  I smirked to myself, but just in an angle where Aaxya wouldn't notice my arrogance.

  She nodded along, I looked back at her. She's oblivious to how much I'm overthinking every single second of this tour.

  I used to look down on those who weren't capable of performing something because of their anxiety, but then I became that person.

  Her eyes darted to the classrooms beside the stairwell entryway. I followed her gaze and she began to squint her eyes and walk closer to one of the signs.

  ?"That class... it says 'Writing'?" she asked, pointing nervously.

  ?The afternoon sun hit her eyes as she turned, creating a cinematic shimmer that nearly blinded me. I caught myself staring and quickly looked at a nearby fire extinguisher, because fire extinguishers have always been pleasing to look at.

  "Yeah, that’s Writing," I muttered. My throat closed up on every word.

  I almost launched my opinions of this class onto her, as if I were trying to drag her down with me. I didn't want to infect her with my apathy. Precaution is mentally taxing; I was spending "social credits" I didn't even have.

  Her face was filled with a beautiful mix of curiosity and confusion. She even looked at me with the eyes of a puppy. I'll admit; she's too cute for someone like me.

  ...

  I phrased that wrong—I just meant that she deserves a better tour guide than someone with the likes of me. I don't think I'm cut out for all this nonsense. Please let this whole session end for good, I'm begging you.

  The narrative has been taken without permission. Report any sightings.

  She continues to look at me with the same expression. I'm surprised she could still stand there looking at me like I was eye-candy, because it's been roughly 48 seconds and she hasn't averted her gaze.

  I caught myself staring, again, so I began to continue our tour around this bug-ridden school. The walk that followed from Writing class to the next was quite long, considering the huge doors leading to the courtyard was parallel to the classrooms.

  Aaxya looked out at the courtyard, admiring the amateur view of the fountain. The water was glimmering as if there were itty-bits of crystals within.

  ?"And this one," I said, my voice dropping an octave into a groan, "is Fencing."

  "Hm? You don't like fencing class?"

  "I sit out every time," I admitted. "If I’m forced to participate, I just stand there. It’s a lot of sweat for very little gain."

  Aaxya stopped walking. She looked at me with a sudden, sharp intent. "Don't you want to pass all of your classes as a student council member? That's what being the very best is, right?"

  Her eyes were semi-serious, filled with the predictable "I rarely get mad" energy that I find repulsive.

  ?I felt my fist clench instinctively. A flash of heat—half anger, half confusion—surged through me. Who was she to tell me to "try"? She didn't know the weight of the expectations I was avoiding. She didn't know that for me, "trying" meant opening a door I had spent years deadbolting.

  Startled by the sudden shift in my expression, she took a small step back.

  ?Get a grip, Zeke. I forced my hand to relax. I was getting dramatic over fencing. I didn't want to be the "brooding lead with a dark past." That was just another plot device to prove I'm the ultimate failure, without ever clarifying the underlying issues.

  ?"It's nothing," I said, avoiding the question as my voice returned to its usual gray. "I just... let’s just continue the tour, okay?"

  It's absolutely something. Why am I lying to myself and the people around me? I'm a fraud.

  Aaxya nodded along, she looked at me with the same puppy face again. I didn't mean to make her retreat back into her own cage like that, but—

  I'm not even allowed to blame anyone, but myself. This whole tour was just another spark of failure that led to a wildfire. Consequences can be cruel, and so can I.

  ?The rest of the tour was a blur of echoed footsteps and growing silence. I showcased the labs and the theater, feeling my will to try drifting into the horizon like a 'goodbye boat'.

  I should've just never tried so hard. I'm always peaking at Mt. Stupid. It just leads to my one out of my three hobbies; self-loathing.

  The bell for dinner finally rang, the intercom announcing the end of the Talent Show.

  ?"May I... follow you to cafeteria?" Aaxya asked. She looked like a lost kid in a shopping mall.

  ?I realized she literally didn't know anyone else. Even though she probably knew the location of the cafeteria, I was her only crutch. "Yeah, sure. Follow me."

  She'll find out soon enough that I'm not as good a crutch as she thinks. If this is the only day she talks to me, then I can live with it. People will always choose the better crutches.

  I really hope I didn't do a horrible job as a tour guide—but at the same time—that feeling left me a long time ago. Now it's just an emotion that I can't feel, because I began to detach from the stakes itself.

  We headed toward the noise. As we got closer, the clatter of trays and the roar of teenage conversation hit me like a physical wall. I wanted to retreat into my headphones, to mute the world, but Aaxya was trailing behind me like a shadow.

  Aaxya was acting as the anchor—"the straight woman"—the only one that forces me to protect something I'm obligated to.

  ?I spotted Ophelia in the crowd. She was easy to find—she was usually the eye of any brewing storm. I tried to pivot away, but it was too late.

  "Hey! Zeke! What—is—up!"

  ?Ophelia bounced toward us, her energy radiant and exhausting. I forced a look of mild irritation, though "soul-crushing fatigue" was more accurate.

  ?"Soooo... how'd you both do?" Ophelia teased, her eyes sparkling with mischief. "Did you guys confess your love? Is there a wedding to plan?"

  More like a funeral to attend, hopefully the ceremony justifies.

  ?"Ophelia! Stop it!"

  ?A short, fierce figure stomped into view. Alizée. The "short devil" from the library. Up close, she looked even more like a force of nature—a tiny, angry disciplinarian.

  ?"Huh? Alizée?" Ophelia blinked.

  ?"You heard me! Stop making Zeke feel embarrassed! You know he doesn't like that!"

  ?"Do you like being teased... Zeke?" Ophelia asked, completely ignoring Alizée’s glare.

  ?I sighed, "No. I don't like it."

  ?"I'm gonna do it anyway! Haha!" Ophelia chirped.

  She is never that energetic. I wonder what's got her so riled up tonight.

  ?"Ophelia, stop. And Zeke," Alizée turned her fury on me, "you need to learn how to defend yourself! I'm tired of coming to your rescue. It pushes my buttons when you just let her push yours!"

  ?"Why am I getting yelled at?" I asked, genuinely confused. Alizée’s sense of justice was a double-edged sword; she’d save you from a bully and then punch you for being a victim.

  ?"Because you're passive!" she snapped.

  ?"I'll... try to defend myself," I lied. Defending myself required caring about the outcome. It required "trying."

  ?The dinner bell rang again, signaling the end of the meal period.

  ?I froze. I hadn't even picked up a tray. Aaxya hadn't either. We had spent the entire dinner period being a spectacle for the Student Council.

  ?"I didn't even eat," I muttered, watching the students exit the cafeteria like a zombie horde.

  ?Aaxya looked down at her feet, her stomach giving a small, traitorous growl.

  ?It looked like we were going to be having a "leftovers" dinner. Just me, the exchange student I didn't want to know, and the internal battle I couldn't seem to win. I'm always pinning myself against... well, myself.

  I'm not too interested on the whole idea of pushing myself to socialize, because if I have to push then it means it was pointless to begin with.

  I'm spent this evening giving Aaxya a tour of the school, yet half of it was spent practicing robotic routine. I don't even feel like I was the one giving her the tour, because if I were being honest, I was observing myself do it after I lost the will to be make a good first impression after I've already failed.

  Failure just leads to one inevitable outcome. If that's true, then even success leads to the same inevitable outcome. It doesn't matter how much confidence I have in myself, because all roads lead to Rome. I'm sick of it, and myself. There is one thing I wished for ever since I started highschool; Become a nobody.

  ...

  I contradict myself in that regard.