Sure, he’d skimmed a wiki article once.
He’d heard of titles like Moon Piercer: Petal Tyrant Ascends Twice and My Senior Brother Is Also My Nemesis (And Maybe My Wife?).
But deep inside, he believed they were all the same:
Too many robes.
Too many sparkles.
Too much monologuing about destiny.
Still, streaming numbers didn’t lie.
And so, when his producer waved a check the size of a small deity's ego, Hao Jinzhin smiled, nodded, and said the words that would haunt him for weeks:
— I’ll make the best damn xianxia drama of the decade.
***
There was just one problem:
He didn’t… get it.
He had no idea what spiritual roots were.
Didn’t know his dantians from his dumplings.
And every time he read a scene where someone achieved inner clarity via sword rain meditation, he wanted to eat his script.
So he turned to plan B.
— I need a medium — he declared one night after his fifth failed rewrite.
Someone who can help me commune with an actual ancient cultivator.
For research. You know. Authenticity.
He did not expect a listing to appear in his inbox the next morning, subject line:
“?REAL SPIRITUAL CONSULTING – LEGENDARY RATES?”
He clicked.
***
The studio was inside a teahouse that smelled faintly of cinnamon and deceit.
A man in robes sat across from him, sipping oolong with eerie calm.
His name tag said: Grandmaster Yao.
— So you wish to speak to the past — said the man.
— Yes, to like, get into the mindset of a real cultivator.
— A brave request. You must understand, it is not without… consequences.
Jinzhin scoffed.
— The only consequence I’m worried about is bad ratings.
Yao smiled.
A little too widely.
— Then let us begin.
He clapped twice.
And the world vanished.
***
Hao Jinzhin awoke face-down on a mountain path surrounded by fog, bamboo, and suspiciously dramatic bird calls.
Unlawfully taken from Royal Road, this story should be reported if seen on Amazon.
A man with flowy sleeves and an embroidered cucumber on his belt pointed a fan at him.
— Intruder! State your sect, intent, and skincare regimen!
Jinzhin blinked.
— Is this a set?
— It’s Tuesday. Don’t interrupt bird-watching.
Over the next hour, Jinzhi discovered several things:
- The “swords” were ceremonial. Most people used them as sunshades or stirrers.
- The “demon battles” were choreographed performances for the public to maintain cosmic street cred.
- The sect’s main activity was cloud contemplation and competitive tea leaf poetry.
He watched a man duel himself in a puddle for practice.
Another monk was embroidering spiritual talismans onto socks.
And the Sect Leader, Grandmaster Min Delan, was far too busy composing “emotional thunder ambiance” to notice a newcomer had materialized in the cabbage garden.
***
By the third day, Jinzhin had stopped asking questions.
He was offered a robe. (It was lavender, with sequins.)
He was asked to recite a tragic poem about bamboo loss.
He was forced into a chore rotation involving crane grooming and peach wine sorting.
Strangely, he felt… calmer.
Less annoyed.
Slightly tipsy.
On the fifth day, he had a revelation:
— This isn’t about fighting or glowing swords. It’s about vibes.
It’s all just very elegant performance art.
— Congratulations — said Min Delan from a hammock.
You have achieved Enlightenment Phase 1: Realizing Everyone Is Just Making It Up.
***
When the time came to return, Hao Jinzhi found himself once again facing Grandmaster Yao in the cinnamon-scented teahouse.
He looked older now. Or maybe Jinzhi just looked younger.
— So? — Yao asked.
— Did you find what you were looking for?
Jinzhin grinned.
— Better. I found what they were pretending not to be.
***
His show aired eight months later.
It was not the drama he’d pitched.
It was a behind-the-scenes comedy about a sect where no one knew what they were doing, demons were part-time actors, and the swordmaster moonlighted as a pastry chef.
It was called: “Clouds & Confusion”.
It went viral.
So did the quote from Episode 2:
“Let us duel at sunset… or maybe not. My ankle hurts.”
—
?? Behind the Sects – Bloopers from Clouds & Confusion
Scene:
An outtake reel. Wind machines whirring.
A spiritual chicken escapes in the background.
Director Hao Jinzhi sips bubble tea while trying not to scream.
SFX PERSON:
— Ready for the dramatic thunder effect?
ACTOR (as Demon Lord Zhiwunu):
— Wait, I forgot my grief monologue scroll.
Hao (dead inside):
— Just cry. Use your trauma.
***
Scene 2:
A sword fight breaks into a slow interpretive dance.
GRANDMASTER MIN (offscreen):
— Yes, yes! Now give me melancholy… but with wrists.
***
Scene 3:
JUNIOR DISCIPLE:
— Director Hao! The demon prop is melting in the sun again!
Hao:
— Just call it symbolism. Put a poem over it.
***
Scene 4: Interview clip
Host:
— So what inspired the tone of your series?
Hao:
— Existential dread, poor funding, and one accidental spiritual kidnapping.
Host:
— Beautiful.
***
Scene 5: In the credits
Special thanks to:
– That weird cloud that looked like a peach
– The immortal who loaned us his fan for legal reasons
– Grandmaster Yao (please stop emailing us curse glyphs)
? Coming next season: “Clouds & Confusion: Return of the Cabbage Cultivator”
??? SectNet – Live Episode 1 Thread: Clouds & Confusion
@PeachBlade69:
okay but WHY is the demon lord crying over burnt dumplings i was not prepared
@CloudKisser:
i came for swords and stayed for the emotional tea-sorting arc
@GrandmasterStan:
they said it was satire but this is my life actually
@DemonDumpling42:
as a demon, i feel REPRESENTED. finally.
@FluteCore:
you all laughed when Sect Leader Min said “everyone is making it up”
BUT HE WAS RIGHT
@ZhenZen (verified):
i once said the same thing during a spiritual retreat and they kicked me out
10/10 accurate
@CabbageCult4Life:
petition to make the cabbage cultivator the real protagonist. he’s the only one working.
@YaoKnows:
fun fact: this was all based on a true abduction ?
@ActualSword:
do i look like a prop to you???
“THAT’S NOT HOW SPIRITUAL ENERGY WORKS.”
and discover the past was also just winging it.
May your scripts survive.
And may your demons always be union-approved.