Role Model [Parody]

  Joshua watches as Sonic scrolls through the dark side of the internet.

  Sonic: Ah, Man!

  Joshua: What is it, Sonny?

  Sonic: Mister Beast just killed himself on video for views.

  Joshua: Man, that sucks.

  Sonic: Yeah. I should've thought of that first!

  Joshua: What? Dude, you've got a thirty year career. You don't need to die to get views on some video site.

  Sonic: J, do you know what a life costs me? A hundred rings. You know how much a hundred rings costs me nowadays? Nothing! They throw them away for free! My live stocks are doing great! I'll kill myself twice to get relevant again.

  Joshua: You know what? I can't believe you used to be my role model. If you do this, do it on your own. I'm outy.

  Sonic: Whatever! I never needed you! Read the headlines tomorrow and weep!

  Joshua: Maybe I will.

  Joshua leaves.

  Sonic: Finally! I get to be unrestricted! No longer constricted by his wrist that just lost its grip, it did!

  Sonic appears before a crowd of kids as he sits below a crusher with a camera recording him.

  Sonic: Hey, kids! Ready for the show?!

  Kids: Yeah!

  Sonic: I'm going to attempt to kill myself. You can try this at home. You can be just like me.

  As the crusher descends, Sonic looks up at it and enters his own imagination. The music starts up.

  Sonic: I'm like cannabis. Every time you ask me “Can I diss,” I wanna make you smoke on this! Gonna shoot me? Do not miss. Amy just gave me a kiss and I don't wanna remember it. I'll beat you to death, then skin you again. Give you so much penicillin you thought I didn't win.

  Did you know this story is from Royal Road? Read the official version for free and support the author.

  Amy: Cream my mister dream and I'll level your lower layer equally. Tear your penis off and sing into it gleefully!

  Sonic: Lose a ton of money and still get my own show. 'Cause, like it or not, I'm more iconic than a Chozo!

  Kid: Bozo!

  Sonic: Hey! If I ever say I never ate a bug, that would mean I'm lying and about to lay you out like a rug! Ken Penders tried to slap me with cuffs and make me court him. I said “Enough!” Went to the past, gave his mom an abortion! (I'm sorry!) Wish I had gored him instead, 'cause, like Shadow, I'm on edge.

  Shadow: Took Knuckles and ripped out his fake dreads! (Faker!)

  Sonic: Every girl I ever met, we on the mend. Follow me to know how yo life's gonna end. Lick the face of who you like, kick a grandma off her bike, steal your bully's brand new trike, set ablaze a steeple, act like Em on the mic, and see what happens when Bad Meets Evil! You get burnt at the stake by random people! My bum's good enough to get me a mate like Courtney Mil', but I'm dumb enough to set a date on Sandy Hill! Some say I was better when I was black, ignoring skill. I give those folks a whack and then a kill. But, I don't get all ticked that y'all just went and hissed. How could I be white? I don't even exist! Just, let me bake you a cake with cocaine flakes so you overdose and fall in the grave I paved for Dave the knave! My glove's cement. How do I wave? Touch the dial, ma! This ain't the way your kids ought to behave!

  Tails: Follow along and do exactly as you see.

  Sonic: Don't you wanna grow up to be just like me?

  Knuckles: Did just as Em said and I OD,d.

  Sonic: Now, don't you wanna grow up to be just like me?

  Sally: Me and Bunnie Rabbot went to see Nicole. Heard a knock at the door. Must've been booster Gold.

  Bunnie: We both held a vote, then hung him with a rope by the scrote!

  Sonic: (Ow!) My mind don't learn if my heart don't yearn. I put Scourge's body behind a fern just to mourn with Surge and earn her mirth! (Didn't work!) Call me the Egg slayer. Don't know I'm the sprayer in the ozone layer! Getting to me, the bad air. My mind needs repair. Even I'm scared about what's up there!

  Dark Sonic: Jumped into a Looney Tunes cartoon on the moon at noon. Soon, I gouged a goon's eyes out with a spoon!

  Sonic: I'm about as normal as FF8. Put on my plate a full slate of hate as I debate my fate. (Go Masticate!)

  Shadow: Maria? Are you there? There's a GUN above you. Probably shouldn't shove me into that shuttle. Why can't I sat I love you? Can't we cuddle? Me and my muggle?

  Sonic: Will someone please tell me I'm insane and vain for killing me in vain and I'll feel the pain, but my brain ain't got the message that came?!

  Sonic 2: Take a breather, my silly guy! No need to be Wily, like the thorn in Rock-man's side. Why you getting shy? Wait. Okay, panic and cry. 'Cause, if you're not in control, then neither am I!

  Sonic: So, if you see me rapping crassly, it's probably plain to see I ain't classy! And, me doing Em and Slim will likely get me a copyright strike tonight without them having the might or right to be polite, and that's alright 'cause we alike!

  Espio: I arrived at the bar drunk with Charmy Bee.

  Sonic: Don't you wanna grow up to be just like me?

  Egg: I've got twenty thousand different kinds of STDs.

  Sonic: Now, don't you wanna grow up to be just like me?

  Rouge: I bedded more cohorts than a war could see.

  Sonic: Don't you wanna grow up to be just like me?

  Shadow: Tie a noose around my neck and jump while I pee.

  Sonic: You probably wanna grow up to be just like me!

  Sonic voiced by Slim Shady

  All else voiced by the Sonic X cast