[SYSTEM UPDATE…]
Accidental Summoner LVL 2 → LVL 3
New Passive Skill: “That Was Definitely Intentional”
New Active Skill: “Total Chaos” – Unleash Random Summons (Cooldown: Highly Questionable)
Mood: Somewhere Between Mild Panic and Eternal Regret
I had survived my first accidental summon. Or, at least, the mini-boss had fled, smeared with blueberry jam and existential confusion. That counted as surviving, right?
Wrong.
Because Infernum-7 runs on bureaucracy, and nothing says “welcome to Hell” like endless forms, queues, and a demon with a clipboard judging your soul.
I trudged towards the Department of Minor Apocalypse Management (DMAM), which, according to a sign hovering suspiciously above the hallway, was “Highly Recommended for Surviving Level 1 Casualties”.
The receptionist was a goat-headed demon with a scarf that looked like it had been stolen from the afterlife’s least competent knitters.
‘Form 13B-Δ,’ it said, without looking up. ‘You’ll need three copies. One for the Realm, one for the Apocalypse, and one for… reasons.’
I blinked.
‘I… died on Earth. That’s my form,’ I said.
‘Incorrect,’ it said. ‘Death is step one. Form 13B-Δ is step two. Step one is the horror check. Did you scream? Yes? Then you’re qualified.’
I glanced at Bob. It was happily gnawing on one of the clipboard legs.
‘Perfect,’ it said. ‘We’ll call that my contribution.’
[NEW QUEST AVAILABLE]
Quest Name: Acquire Basic Survival Gear (Part 2: Bureaucracy Edition)
This story originates from Royal Road. Ensure the author gets the support they deserve by reading it there.
Objective:
Fill out 13 forms, preferably without being eaten.
Obtain armour that won’t file a complaint.
Weapon selection (Ensure sentience does not exceed Level 1 Annoyance).
Survive minor apocalypse #3 (Bonus if paperwork survives too).
Reward: Slightly less panic + a chance to convince Bob that paperwork is evil
I queued behind a demon that looked like a tax accountant who had been cursed by its own mother. It was humming an unsettlingly cheerful tune while filling out forms with claws the size of small hammers.
The horned mini-boss from Episode 2 stomped past, glaring. I realised it had developed a personal vendetta against Bob.
‘That… thing… ruined my dignity,’ it snarled.
Bob puffed up. ‘Dignity is relative,’ it said. ‘Also optional.’
The mini-boss growled and ran straight into the DMAM coffee machine. A geyser of molten liquid erupted. Everyone clapped politely.
[LOOT DISCOVERY]
I wandered into the Lost & Possibly Cursed Items Room, which was basically a closet on fire. Items shuffled like they had lives of their own.
A sword levitated past me. It looked heroic. It glared.
‘Choose me,’ it said. ‘I am Legendary… and I’m very judgy.’
A helmet hopped onto my head. It was clearly alive.
‘Nice brain,’ it whispered. ‘We’ll see how long it lasts.’
A small chest scuttled across the floor, mumbling about taxes. I opened it. Inside:
Gloves of Mild Annoyance (+2 Dexterity, Insults Wearer)
Boots of Slippery Slopes (+1 Speed, May Trip at Random)
Map of “Where Did I Put That?” (Rerolls every 3 minutes)
Bob clapped. ‘Perfect! Now we can cause chaos AND look stylish.’
Suddenly, the system screeched:
[WARNING – ROAMING MINI-BOSS #2 DETECTED]
Threat Level: Exponentially Confused
The new mini-boss wasn’t huge, just very offended. It carried a clipboard. It was angry that the first mini-boss had survived while it had not.
Bob twitched. ‘Do you want to do the honours?’
I stared at my active skills. ‘Total Chaos…?’
Bob grinned. ‘Exactly what it says on the tin.’
I tapped the screen. A portal of glitter, smoke, and something that smelled like burnt rubber erupted. Out poured a parade of random summons:
A tiny dragon that coughed fire like a nervous cough.
A gelatinous cube wearing a bowler hat.
A three-headed bunny, each head screaming a different opinion.
The new mini-boss froze. It looked at my army. It looked at me.
‘…I quit,’ it said and fled.
[SYSTEM LOG]
Accidental Summoner LVL 3 → LVL 4
New Passive: “I Swear It’s Safe” – Summons Ignore Player Instructions 42% Less Often
New Active: “Chaos Parade” – Summon 3 Random Creatures (Cooldown: Please No)
I slumped to the floor. My helmet whispered, “Good luck, you’re going to need it.”
Bob climbed onto my shoulder. ‘Next stop: armour and weapons. We might also accidentally start World War 1B. Minor Apocalypse is optional.’
I groaned.
Somewhere in Infernum-7, a demon clerk sipped coffee. ‘They will break at least 17 more rules today,’ it muttered. ‘Optimistic.’
And I had to admit, it was starting to feel like home.
