Chapter 1: Blind Obedience
“I’m tired”, Jude thought to himself. “Just tired.” He had become tired of everything and nothing seemed to satisfy anymore. The things that used to bring joy and pleasure, now seemed dissatisfying; boring. A chore. The view of the mosque from his window - putrid. The rambling drone of the call to prayer - incensing. The sound of the potato cutting machine from the restaurant below. Every day, like clockwork. All the time. Over and over again. Just tired.
With a deep sigh, he had come to realise – “this is my life”. He thought to himself, “I feel like I have no gumption to do anything. I feel like all the plans that I have tried to accomplish, all the things I have done, and all the pushing and letters, and reports. The meetings, and continuing stream of emails, everything. Three years of work, for nothing. It has come to nothing. I am tired. I cannot even think about changing. It feels like just thinking about me having to move into something new, or moving from this into a new job or a new direction or anything is just too much to even entertain. I feel like I cannot even think about it. So I dont. I dont entertain it. I dont focus on it. I dont care for it. I live in a world of fantasy because the hope that this can change, that I was working towards something was the only thing that kept me motivated to continue going. Without a goal, it just doesnt feel worth it. It doesnt feel like this is something I care for anymore. I was only willing to continue enduring and pursuing when I believed that I was working towards achieving the dream. When I believed I was working towards building a future that I could be a part of. Now grappling with the creeping thought that there is a possibility that It was all for nothing is extremely distressing.”
As he looked around the apartment and contemplating that he had hit rock bottom, he felt abandoned and like all his “studying” and learning over the past three was for nothing. He had left his faith and became agnostic to explore the so-called “truth” only to find nothing. His mind wondered “Is this how black folks feel or women feel? You work so hard only to be actively blocked from being at the table by people who pretend to be advocating for you, but in reality they are just gaslighting you into believing they did everything they can when they were only ever acting in the best interests of the corporate. It makes me angry. I can feel the rage build within me. I can feel my blood boil and my blood pressure rise as I think of the injustice of it all.”
He continued to reason through his anger, “Is it the injustice that gets to me, though? What even is the injustice? I don’t think it is. I think the thing that makes me the angriest is the abuse of power. The malicious abuse of power coupled with the falsehood of the gaslight. That these swine’s believes that I am that stupid and I don’t know or don’t have my own sources that have already told me that you advocated against me in the meeting. That you “sanitised” the reports and watered down the seriousness of the problem so that nothing would change. Nobody would take it seriously because the swine said it “wasn’t a problem.” Then the audacity to sit across the table from me an insult my intelligence with a worthless attempt to gas light me into believing that you are “on my side”. As though I have not noticed that I was excluded from meetings, that I don’t receive emails or get excluded from decisions about the department. As though I have not been aware all this time that you have been actively working to come up with new and creative ways to help your company steel my skills, steel my data, steel my ideas without compensating me.” At this point Jude needed to calm down. His mind was running away from him and he was going into a spiral.
He found himself in the middle of his living room. He just fell to the floor and cried, “Father, I give up. I thought I could do it without you. I thought I could figure it out on my own but I can’t. I don’t know how. I’ve tried it alone and it’s been the most difficult thing I’ve done. But I don’t know how to get stop being gay either. I’ve tried it, but it just doesn’t go away. I need you. I need you.”
Silence filled the room. The only thing that could be heard was the soft sob of Jude as he sat down on his haunches in the room and cried into his hands. He finally said “You have brought me to this place, I choose you. Over everything else, I choose you.”
The email.
BZZZZ. Jude heard the vibrate of his phone. He wasn’t expecting anything. God had been silent during his bitter rant and ultimate submission to God. He saw the notification in his email app. He could feel the immediate butterflies begin in his stomach – what is this email? There was a sense of fear because he had not left his previous job on the best of terms. He kept thinking “what do they want now? what else could they do?”. He got up and made a cup of coffee – black, no sugar, He didn’t care for the extra liquid calories. He sat back in his usual spot – the corner of the couch closest to the kitchen. He set the coffee down on the table and took up his phone. “Okay father, whatever happens – I know you are with me.” With that, Jude opened his email app and waited for the download refresh. It seemed to take forever.
PING. There it was, the new email. It was from an email he didn’t recognise. Jude opened the email and to his surprise it was his job offer. “Congratulation!! We are delighted to offer you a position at Murry & Fitch as strategist. Please find attached our job offer. Please note this job offer is valid for…” He ignored the rest of the email and clicked on the attached pdf. “Looks good” Jude thought, “no major red flags… anyways, I don’t really have a choice... I have nothing else. Thank you, Father God, for opening the door. I will walk through it.” With that resolution, Jude finished the rest of the email and printed the job offer. After signing it, he scanned it and send it back to the email address as instructed. “Monday starts a new chapter” he said.
Stolen story; please report.
God is watching…
“There we go Jude, a sprinkle of Hope. I’ve got you. I know this has been a difficult road for you. But I’ve got you.” Says God just as Michael walks in to report. “Michael”, “El Shaddai, I have the news you were looking for...”
While Michael was given his report to God, in a different part of the spiritual realm, the principalities Jezebel and Ahab were discussing their plans. “I’ve found the one that we can use” Jezebel says, “Yes, He is perfect. Attractive enough to catch attention but frankly ugly enough to not be intimidating… She’s not the best looking. We can’t send somebody too gorgeous because she might feel intimidated or become suspicious.” replied Ahab. “Yes, that last catastrophe when that useless thing didn’t trust that somebody that hot would care for somebody like her…”, Jezebel quipped then sneered “Obviously you dumb bitch – nobody would. They only care because I make them care.” Jezebel glared at Ahab who withdrew instinctively. They’d been working together for millennia, and he know what that look meant. “Exactly” he muttered…
“Thank you for helping with the promotion Mammon. This one would not have gotten there without your help. But the two are now perfectly positioned for our plans” Jezebel said to Mammon. The three of them chuckled to themselves and continued to mock the stupid humans. Their mockery is justified in their view – the same familiar patterns played out over and over and people falling for them every time.
The patterns being spoken of was a constant source of discussion amongst God’s kingdom spirits. The same discussion points around the meaning of Hosea’s prophecy: “My people are destroyed for lack of knowledge. Since you have rejected knowledge, I also will reject you from being My priest. Since you have forgotten the Law of your God, I also will forget your children. The more they multiplied, the more they sinned against Me; I will change their glory into shame. They feed on the sin of My people, And long for their wrongdoing. And it will be, like people, like priest; So I will punish them for their ways and repay them for their deeds.” The kingdom spirits usually debated the meaning of terms like “priests” and who was feeding on the sin? Some of the higher order angels would claim that the priests are the non-kingdom spirits who are worshiped at the alters and serve as priests to those who worship them. The lower order angels would normally put forward the argument that is was the human priests who were misguiding their followers.
After every lengthy debate and discussion, the conclusion was always the same – spiritual leaders on earth had been corrupted by non-kingdom spirits who were using them to influence their flocks. The people were destroyed because they simply had no understanding of the spirit and could not engage in spiritual realities. They would often highlight Paul’s teaching to the Corinthians “Yet we do speak wisdom among those who are mature; a wisdom, however, not of this age nor of the rulers of this age, who are passing away; but we speak God’s wisdom in a mystery, the hidden wisdom which God predestined before the ages to our glory; the wisdom which none of the rulers of this age has understood; for if they had understood it, they would not have crucified the Lord of glory; but just as it is written: “Things which eye has not seen and ear has not heard, And which have not entered the human heart, All that God has prepared for those who love Him.” For to us God revealed them through the Spirit; for the Spirit searches all things, even the depths of God. For who among people knows the thoughts of a person except the spirit of the person that is in him? So also the thoughts of God no one knows, except the Spirit of God. Now we have not received the spirit of the world, but the Spirit who is from God, so that we may know the things freely given to us by God. We also speak these things, not in words taught by human wisdom, but in those taught by the Spirit, combining spiritual thoughts with spiritual words. But a natural person does not accept the things of the Spirit of God, for they are foolishness to him; and he cannot understand them, because they are spiritually discerned. But the one who is spiritual discerns all things, yet he himself is discerned by no one. For who has known the mind of the Lord, that he will instruct Him? But we have the mind of Christ.”
Monday.
BRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGG. The sound of the alarm woke Jude up. “It’s been a good weekend” He thought to himself, “peaceful knowing I’m not unemployed anymore.” Jude got out of bed and went to turn off the air conditioner. A daily ritual – he likes to sleep without clothes but gets cold. So he adds extra blankets and then turns the air conditioner on to the lowest temperature to make it cozy and comfy for sleeping. Looking down at his naked body, Jude quipped “Yup, that is how cold it is…” and chuckled to himself. After showering he made some coffee and contemplated breakfast. “I can’t eat now, I’m a bit too nervous. It might come back on me and cause me to need the bathroom at work today. I can’t be the new employee who stank up the office on the first day.”
Jude got dressed, It was a bit weird for him because he had only warn uniform his entire career. Now deciding what civilian clothes to wear was new to him. He chose light brown leather sneakers, olive green slim-fit chinos, and a grey button-up shirt. His only belt was brown and seemed to match the different brown tones in his shoes, “what a happy coincidence” he thought. Feeling happy with his clothing choice, he walked out the door and to the car.
It would be his first time commuting to work at this location and he wasn’t knowledgeable on the traffic or route. Feeling anxious, he put on his Christian playlist and began singing the songs as he drove to work. He found his parking, close enough to be easy to walk, but far enough not to look too excited.
Click. BEEP. The car door locked and the lights flashed. He turned and made his way to the elevator in the parking lot.
