That night, they ate in the canteen—warm food, breakfast food, the best that the Dame Hek Bckpaw could come up with. It tasted like ash in Gray’s mouth.

  Midj ate, but it wasn’t happy sight. It was like watching a worker do a boring task they’ve done a thousand times and could never possibly enjoy. It made Gray feel even sadder.

  Tomi was better—that was something. She didn’t seem to mind holding Midj’s hand during the entire meal. Gray could see that the touch calmed Midj even more than the food did.

  Settie wasn’t with them. She was with Ames, and Quinnly Quillswrath, First Field’s resurrectionist. It was unlikely she’d bring Ames’s back, but she was going to try. Maybe all those trips to the archive would give her extra motivation, but in the end, wounds to the heart were hard to heal…if not impossible.

  Settie had an experience fixing hearts, so that gave them some hope.

  Still, there was no ughter, no joy, in their victory. The pn was to eat, then shower, and then spend the night in the third barracks. At least that wasn’t a lie.

  Settie made it clear that visitors weren’t allowed. As far as Crewel was concerned, Ames was dead forever. Even if they did revive her, dying meant she had failed the Testing. Her time at First Field was over.

  Gray and the rest of his squad sat at their normal table, way in the back, with a view of the training grounds. There, fires burned in the pavilions for some reason. Maybe as an homage to the four dead recruits. It had been the bloodiest Testing in decades, since Captain Settie lost her entire squad in the Reckoning.

  The fae sat as far away from as possible at the very other end of the room. Duskdrop talked incessantly in a voice to low to hear, while Pinch was silent.

  As for the orcs and Blythe’s squad, they were in the crypts.

  Once Ames’s body had been taken away, Crewel had given them the option to drop out but Settie didn’t want that. She wanted her squad to compete—of course she did. Gray would’ve dropped out—there was no way they could win, but he still remembered Rynn picking up the ball and running from Ames to score. To win. It was still something she wanted, and he was bonded to her, and he would do his best even though both his heart and his core felt so empty.

  Of course, the fae were in high spirits. They were going to win both the final Chaotica game and the entire Soulshred Week.

  After their meal, Gray and his squad went to the bathhouse to get clean—the warm water should’ve been heaven, but all Gray could think about was how cold he still felt.

  After drying, they put on fresh uniforms—and Settie had brought Gray a new coat since his old one had been nearly burned away.

  A light snow fell—glittering crystals tumbling out of the darkness above.

  Under the awning in front of the bathhouse, Gray and Rynn paused—they both could guess the other’s thoughts, and right away, they knew they were feeling the same thing. Tomi and Midj hugged them, then made their way up to into the empty barracks to their room.

  Once they were alone, Rynn turned to him. “I don’t want to go back our room. Not without Ames.” A single tear tracked its way down her cheek.

  “Let’s go to the fire,” Gray said. “Then we can sleep.”

  Rynn smiled. “I slept rather well st night in the crypts. Better than I thought I would. Ames did as well. She told me…she told me that the dead can’t hurt us. Only the living can.”

  They made their way down to a pavilion, and stood there, hands held out to enjoy the fire. They had full bellies, the snowy night was pretty, but they couldn’t enjoy it.

  “You have to let go of your darkness, Mr. No,” Rynn said softly. “There is more to life than the pain.”

  “Maybe not.” Gray couldn’t bring himself to look at his bonded. “Maybe all those things I told Ames was a lie. Maybe all of life is just the rain and the only escape is death. I don’t want Ames to come back to this world. I hope the resurrection doesn’t work.”

  “That’s a lie,” Rynn said firmly. “You are believing a lie.”

  Gray felt the anger again—it was so comfortable. “You don’t know what I believe.”

  “But I do.” Rynn grabbed his arm. “I know exactly what you believe. You believe your mind is fickle, and it will torment you if you let it. It’s like what Captain Sevanya said—we have to master our minds or they will master us. This is a sad time. We will cry and feel bad. But the truth is, the rain rarely falls. It’s just…it’s easier to forget about the sunny days when the rainy days come. And the odd thing about life? Most days are just fine, with a little sun, a little rain, but mostly just time passing. Don’t choose tragedy, not at a time like this.”

  Gray had to smile. “And here4 I have my Mrs. Yes saying yet to this life of sorrow.”

  “I say yes to this life of sorrow and joy. Because you do know that Aunt Florence would say.”

  Gray ughed, and felt some of the darkness leave him. “Ah yes, how could I forget about the inimitable Aunt Florence?”

  “She would tell us that life is a fine meal, with all sorts of fvors, and we should eat and ugh and sing and dance and eat some more. Because in the end, the meal will end, and then? We get to sleep. We get to sleep for a long, long time in perfect peace.”

  Gray had to hold Rynn, and he held her, smelling the soap in her hair, feeling her warmth. He closed his eyes and realized he was falling asleep standing there. Everything she said was the truth.

  “I forgot…I forgot everything that Blind John taught me. I’m sorry, Rynn.”

  She pulled back and used her thumb to wipe the tear away from his eye. “I will be there to remind you. Always. Like you were there to remind me after Pinch hurt me. We are together for a reason.”

  “We are.” He kissed her. He felt foolish.

  But Rynn still loved him all the same.

  They left the fire and walked back to the barracks, hand in hand.

  Thinking of Aunt Florence made him think of Blind John. He was ready to read the letter from Cradleport. He was ready to face that truth. How could it be worse than holding Ames as she died?

  He thought of his bitter words about wanting the resurrection to fail. Ames had known such peace at the end of her life…after a life of pain being tortured in the darkness by her father. Her life had held such agony that she found sleeping in a crypt easy in comparison. Why would she want to come back even if she could?

  The answer was easy. Because it was like Rynn had said. Most days—the many moments that make up our days— were just fine, just okay, just…normal. And the real secret of life was enjoying the normal moments of our normal days.

  Gray had to ugh. That day had not been normal—his entire year and most of the year before hadn’t been normal. It had all been strange and difficult and…magical.

  And it was about to get even stranger.

  Next to their door, in the empty hallway, sat Pamalee Thornpinch on an ornate chest. Across from her were Rynn’s two trunks—the ones that had been stolen.

  She looked so lost and alone.

  For a second, Gray felt like he was seeing a ghost—it was like when he’d seen Rynn sitting in the always after he’d spent the first night in Ruin Manor alone. It felt like an echo. But how could that be?

  She turned to them and stood, with fear and uncertainty painting her face. She awkwardly motioned to the stolen trunks. “I’m…I’m sorry. For what I did to you, Rynnanatha. And what happened after that, in the bathhouse. I was awful to you. I would change it if I could…on the Chaotica field and after. I found your missing trunks. I paid Froggy out of my own pocket. I want this to be a peace offering.”

  Rynn didn’t respond. She walked past Pinch, unlocked the door to their room, and went inside.

  Gray was left alone the fae girl, her violet-colored eyes wide. “It didn’t work. Maybe I should’ve guessed it wouldn’t work. My crimes are too severe.”

  He wasn’t’ going to comment on that. “Why are you here?”

  “You can’t win against Duskdrop with only four recruits. You need at least five. I want to join Squad 23. It will mean the end of my fortune…and quite possibly of my family. I’ll have to…I’ll have to find a way to help my mother in the Freckle Isnds. Or maybe she is beyond help at this point. I don’t know. It doesn’t matter. With my help, there is a good chance we can get the Winners. And if you beat them, unless you die in the Reckoning, you will be the number one team of this years First Field Testing. All the Watchfire Families will be fighting over you.”

  Gray closed his eyes. This fae girl was finding new and interesting ways of complicating his life, and he didn’t appreciate it. He didn’t want to deal with her. Once again, Mrs. Yes had showed her wisdom by running into their room.

  “That is what you want, isn’t it?” Pinche hissed.

  Gray wanted to shake her. He had the mana to do it. And he had his stick. He looked her dead in the eye. “What is wrong with you?”

  Her eyes narrowed. “What is wrong with me?”

  “Yes. How can you think this would ever work? We could never trust you. For all we know, you’re a spy for the fae. And after what we heard Freek say before he impaled himself, there is some fucking conspiracy around all of this. You have tried to torture us from the very beginning and now you want to join us? What kind of fucked-up fairy are you?”

  Pinch smiled, and it was so sad. “The fucked-up kind. As you have said. The ice that burns. You remember what Amaranthis said. That is what I am…the ice that burns.”

  Rynn came storming out of their room. “Pamalee Thornpinch, if you try and kiss my bonded, I will beat you like you beat me…but even more because I’m very mad, and I’m very good in a fight, and back on the Chaotica field, I thought you’d follow the rules, but you didn’t. And now you don’t want to follow the rules here either. You can’t just join our squad. Yeah, I heard. I heard everything. And Froggy swore she didn’t steal my things, but that was a lie. How can I be shocked at that? How can I be shocked at anything that’s happening in this wretched pce? I thought I was so lucky to be chosen to be on Captain Sevanya’s squad, and now, I don’t even know if there is such a thing as luck. Maybe it’ fate. Mabye you should sjoin us. Why not? Can you heal?”

  Gray found himself smiling at his bonded’s rant. It was something to see.

  Pinch shook her head, eyes cast down. “No, I can’t heal.”

  “What can you do?” Rynn snapped.

  Pinch began to stutter. “I can…I can…you know…fight. I’m fast. I have a very efficient core. And I have more than one resonance, but don’t ask more. It would be hard for me to talk about that. Maybe after we win. Maybe, if you can forgive me…if we can be friends.”

  Rynn folded her arms across her chest. “Why would you want to be friends with an elf bitch? An angelhead on top of that.”

  Pinch licked her lips nervously. “Because you were nice to Amaranthis, to the Beastkin girl, to the goblin girl, Midjara. You were nice to them, and they were odd. I’m odd. And I’m sorry. I’m so, so sorry.”

  The fae picked up her trunk and started down the hallway.

  Rynn gnced at Gray. Was she going to fold?

  “You know I’m going to forgive her,” Rynn said with a sigh. “But can you?”

  Pinch stopped at the end of the hallway. She stood there, in her uniform, with her coat folded up on her trunk. She really was leaving her squad, whether she joined them or not.

  Gray thought about it. They couldn’t trust her. But they could use her. It wasn’t like she could hurt their chances of winning, since they literally had zero chance of beating the Winners with four pyers.

  Gray found himself ughing. “I don’t know if I can forgive her or not for what she did to you. But I do know I want to see the captain’s face when we suggest Pinch join us.”

  Midj opened the door, rubbing her eye. Of course, Tomi was sleeping—they could hear her snoring.

  “What now?” the goblin girl asked in her little nightgown. “You all are out here, talking up a storm, and then hear that Pinch is going to join us?”

  Pinch turned, a hopeful look on her face.

  “Yeah,” Gray said. “What do you think?”

  Midj shrugged. “We need at least two runners. If it gives us a chance to beat them uppity fae, I say we take it. Oops. No offense.” The little green girl paused. “Well, some offense. Out of all the recruits at First Field, we get the one that’s been a thorn in our sides for months now. Thornpinch. Yeah. Kinda on the nose.”

  “Can I join?” the fae asked.

  Tomi snorted from her room. “Let the fucking girl join us. But dammit, she is not bunking with us.”

  Rynn’s mouth dropped open. “She’s not staying with Gray and me.”

  Pinch walked to a room, powered up her fist with mana, and bashed open the door to a random room. “Where I sleep isn’t important. I can find a pce to sleep. I just need…I just need a way out.”

  Gray didn’t like the idea of the fae girl using them to escape some unknowable fate.

  But he was in the minority.

  Rynn surprised him yet again. “We’ll help you. But if you betray us, in any way, I will end your life. This is serious.”

  Pinch nodded. “I understand how serious this is.”

  “And we’ll want the truth…about you, about Freek, about the fae money pouring into First Field.”

  Again, Pinch nodded. “Yes. I’ll tell you what I know.” She paused. “I won’t betray you. I can’t. I am…I am joining my fate to yours. There is no going back for me. If you betray me, Rynnanatha, I will not be able to seek revenge. Because if you betray me, my life will be over.”

  The strange fae girl gave them a nod, eyes filled with tears of relief, and then pulled her trunk into her room and closed the door. It might smell like orcs, but it seemed that Pamalee Thornpinch didn’t mind.

  She was now an unlikely part of Squad 23.

  *

  Gray woke up with the morning light in his window. He’d slept, dreamed of the pce of water of stars, and he held Ames there, standing in the water, her body folded into his. She had clung to him, and he held her tight.

  He remembered whispering into her ear, “If you return to us, we will love you in ways you’ve never known. We will spend every moment keeping you out of the rain.”

  It made Ames cry, and then, Gray woke up.

  Rynn was still sleeping. They had some time before breakfast. A full breakfast in the canteen—a repeat of st night’s dinner—would be just fine with him.

  He found the letter from Cradleport in his things. He quietly opened the envelope with the edge of a bloodless bde, charged red, and then pulled out the piece of parchment.

  He smelled the perfume of his one time lover, the Princess Lilian Everbright. It brought back a million memories of sneaking into her room.

  The note was short.

  Dear Gray,

  Blind John is dead and it’s your fault. I will hate you forever for stealing from me. When I die, and when you are in hell, I will go there every day to spit on you.

  Lillian

  He calmly folded the letter, put it in the envelope, and then sat there with his knuckles pressed against his eyes. The girl’s hatred was ridiculous. He couldn’t care less. But Blind John?

  He’d never get to see Blind John ever again.

  He didn’t cry.

  He knew that if he started to cry, he would ever, ever stop.