My imaginary girlfriend is an amazing masseuse.

  Her massage doesn't actually feel like anything, because she is imaginary and all, but I’m playing along because it’s incredibly cute how she tries so hard regardless. The whole situation is making my heart beat so wildly that I’m pretty sure it works as a proper massage anyway. And since I don’t have anything to compare it to, as far as I’m concerned it’s the best massage in the world.

  “A-a-amazing.”

  “See, I told you I’ll be great at it. Totally worth letting me decide what we watch for the next week, right?”

  “Y-yeah.”

  I have been enjoying all this coupley stuff more than I thought I would, so I can’t say I regret making that decision, especially since she made it for me. She decided things all on her own, got so excited saying no wasn’t an option, and even charged me for it. I don’t really care about the TV part, but I was kind of hoping to avoid another shortcut to a heart attack. Now that I have a girlfriend, dying just doesn’t sound quite as appealing as it used to. But life is not worth getting dumped over and being a good girlfriend unfortunately means I either get used to this kind of thing or die trying, and the latter is much more likely.

  “Ok, that’s ten minutes. Are you feeling more relaxed?”

  I’m feeling more tense than ever, but if it makes her happy, I’m more than willing to lie. I have to get my girlfriend points here because I’m messing up so hard on everything else she asked me to do.

  “S-super relaxed.”

  “I can keep going if you want, but you have to say it.”

  How generous of her. I’m not sure if there is a hidden charge for continuing this very exciting and probably fatal activity, but I’m going to need to say it anyway so I might as well get the bonus reward. Not to mention I can’t look her in the eyes from this position so it’s actually a bit easier this way.

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  “I-i-i-i-i l-l-love y-you.”

  “Good girl. You were so close that time too.”

  That wasn’t close at all but it sure is nice of her to lie. Nice little lies like that really are the foundation of a good relationship, especially one with an imaginary narcissist. She acts like I’m doing well in the things she forces me to do, and I act like her massages are great… Which they are. The day I manage to say that line without stuttering is still far away, but at least I managed to say the whole thing in one try when I wasn’t looking into her eyes.

  “You aren’t making the noises they made when they did this on TV, are you sure we are doing this right?”

  Not at all, this is my first time and my masseuse is imaginary. But it doesn’t matter because I wouldn’t make those suggestive noises regardless. Having her sit on my back like that is embarrassing enough.

  “I-i won’t m-make those.”

  “Aww. I was hoping you would. Maybe just a little?”

  What is she thinking ? Even on TV it was just a dirty joke they threw in there.

  “T-too embarrassing.”

  “That’s the whole point Mai, you are cute when you’re embarrassed. Why do you think I make you say I love you so much? You act so flustered it’s adorable.”

  She just said I was close this time, what happened to the nice lies? It’s the foundation of our relationship, if she sees me for how I really am there is no chance we can stay together.

  “Well, if you aren’t going to be making any noises there’s no point in continuing this any further.”

  At least I survived this whole thing against all odds.

  “So how was it?”

  “B-best massage e-ever.”

  “Great. Hopefully this will help you sleep better today. You’ve been looking so tired lately.”

  I hope so too, but as long as she is kissing me goodnight and whispers I love you to me when I close my eyes, I don’t see things changing much. Our routine is just too exciting for a good night's sleep. I think I’ll get used to living with only two hours of sleep each night before I manage to properly fall asleep after experiencing something like that.

  “H-hopefully.”

  “Okay. my turn now. Show me your massage skills Mai.”

  We were taking turns ? I had to pay for mine… How am I supposed to give her a massage anyway. I can’t exactly touch her, for more than one reason.

  “You are seriously adorable when you’re embarrassed."

  My imaginary girlfriend is a bully… Somehow I love that about her too.