My imaginary friend is… Wait, is friend even the right word?

  Well I refuse to have an imaginary acquaintance and I am definitely not insane, so imaginary friend it is.

  Now that I have the terminology in order, I can go back to the problem at hand.

  My imaginary friend is in my bed. MY bed. Does she have no concept of boundaries?

  I should say something about it.

  Take a deep breath, look her straight in the eyes and tell her off, it’s that simple.

  My heart is beating too loudly, my mouth is dry and I’m sweating.

  It’s just my imaginary friend, what is there to get anxious about, just say the words.

  “Aah.” A faint sound escapes my lips and brings a smirk to her face.

  I hope my imaginary friend comes equipped with a translator app, because it will be pretty embarrassing otherwise.

  “An interesting way to say good morning.”

  My imaginary acquaintance is cruel and I’m sleeping on the floor from now on.

  I’ll just go make some coffee.

  She follows me to the kitchen and sits on the countertop.

  It seems my heroic “Aah” from earlier didn’t convey the message properly and my heart won’t calm down.

  I’m not good at dealing with other people. That is the reason why I stopped going to school or why I barely leave the house anymore, and it’s probably part of the reason why I started hallucinating, I mean imagining, this girl in front of me.

  Still, I have to say something, and I will, after I drink my coffee.

  It’s just noon after all, it’s way too early to talk to people without the help of coffee.

  But I need to go to the bathroom first, and there is no way I’ll ever be able to go if she follows me there.

  She definitely kept a larger distance yesterday, maybe it was because of all my terrified screaming.

  I should just do that again, rekindle the existential terror of having an overly familiar stranger just showing up out of nowhere in my room and disturbing my solitary excuse for a life.

  I can do it, just close my eyes, take a deep breath and scream.

  “Aah.”

  Oh great, the sound was even weaker than last time, I doubt she even heard it.

  “I think you should go to the bathroom first and we can try the whole talking thing again afterwards.”

  So she did hear it, no solace there… Wait, how did she understand that, can she read my mind?

  I feel dizzy, I can’t breathe and my heart feels like it’s about to blow up.

  “Hey, what’s wrong?” Her worried expression suddenly looks at me from above.

  When did I lie down, did I fall?

  My hands are trembling, I don’t understand what’s going on , and I’m scared.

  “Just close your eyes and breathe in deeply. you are going to be fine.”

  I try to do as she told me, but the air refuses to enter my lungs and my breathing remains shallow, I…

  “You’re doing great, everything is going to be just fine, just keep going, you’re doing really great.”

  Those words keep repeating next to me in a calming voice, and after a while, I finally feel like I can breathe again.

  I open my eyes and a small smile forms on her face.

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  “Feeling better?”

  I need to say something, I try to speak, my lips are trembling.

  “It’s okay, take your time.”

  In response to those words, I quietly get up and go to the bathroom.

  I will do my business, wash my face and then I will definitely speak to her properly.

  I open the bathroom door with a fervor and step back out with determination.

  “G-g-g-good morning.”

  I did it, I stammered a bit and it was way too quiet, but I managed to speak to her.

  “Good morning.”

  She responded so easily, and now I’m jealous of a one day old imaginary person.

  It’s fine though, I’ll just take my time like she said.

  I’ll make some coffee first, then I’ll say thank you for earlier.

  I just need a little more time to prepare myself.

  “Maybe you should go see a doctor?”

  No no no no, there is absolutely nothing wrong with me.

  I’m sure whatever it was earlier isn’t something that needs checking up on and it's perfectly normal to have an imaginary friend.

  So what if I’m already seventeen, I’m just a late bloomer so I got one later than most people.

  Absolutely no reason to go see a stranger in a white coat.

  I should probably say at least some of this out loud, unless she can actually read my thoughts and my whole embarrassing denial monologue.

  Speaking out loud is so hard… Not that I should talk out loud to someone who isn’t even there.

  No, wait, I have a better excuse. I need to look up online what the hell that was before I can respond properly.

  Yup, that sounds good, I’ll go with that explanation as to why I’m taking so long to answer her.

  I’ll look things up while drinking my coffee so that I can prepare a proper reason for why I’m never leaving this house.

  It seems like it was a panic attack, sounds like a one time thing, it has the word attack right there.

  “If left untreated, panic attacks can be severely disabling…”

  Automated AI answers these days, how do you even misspell caffeine withdrawal like that.

  Since I’m already self medicating with this delicious cup of coffee, there is no need to see a doctor.

  “You forgot to add hallucinations to the symptoms there.”

  My imaginary friend can’t read the room and is trying to give me another caffeine withdrawal attack.

  “Ha…” My voice gets stuck in my throat again.

  “Maybe it will be easier if you wrote it down?”

  My hands are trembling and my heart beats violently enough to break my ribs, but I manage to slowly type despite that.

  “Having an imaginary friend is not a symptom.”

  Even through writing, talking to someone else is nerve wrecking.

  My brain feels like its completely shutting down at those moments.

  “But yesterday, you kept screaming that you were hallucinating.”

  Well, yesterday I was slightly too freaked out to consider the best terminology.

  Also, did I really manage to speak so many words yesterday?

  I wonder if I leave a better impression when I'm utterly terrified.

  Well, I’m sure I already destroyed the wonderful impression I miraculously left yesterday, so it doesn't matter any more, and I still need to respond to her somehow. ..

  I don’t know what to write right now, I don’t want to deal with any of this.

  My hands tremble above the keyboard without pressing down on any of the keys for a little while.

  “Okay, so you are my first friend, I’m happy.”

  Ah, she is letting me off the hook, I feel so pathetic.

  I’m so useless, I just want to go back to bed, what was I thinking trying to get up anyway?

  “Let's try starting small, how about you tell me your name?”

  She looks at me with a worried expression, I guess my own expression is not very cheerful right now.

  I slowly type my own name into the computer under the watchful eye of the girl next to me.

  “Nice to meet you, Mai.”

  “What is your name?”

  “Hmm, I don’t think I have a name, want to give me one?”

  “I don’t think I can.”

  “It doesn't have to be now, I’ll try to think of one as well, so just let me know if you have any ideas.”

  “Okay.”

  “Don’t look so stressed, it's really fine even if you can’t think of one. Let’s do something you usually do so you can relax a bit.”

  “Maybe watch TV?”

  “Sounds fun, I wanna try it.”

  Spoken like a true one day old.

  This was the longest conversation I had for the past few weeks, even discounting the frighteningly long time it took me to type each response.

  I probably spent more time outside of my bed today than I have the entire week prior.

  The cup of coffee I forgot to drink from at some point has already grown cold and now has a bit of a weird taste but I drink it anyway.

  She watches the screen with a smile as some random movie plays, and we laugh together at some stupid joke.

  Maybe it’s not so bad having someone else around.