There was an axe in my tiny hands.

  I swung it at an old wooden door.

  It did not move.

  Splinters filled my arms and legs.

  I grit my teeth and forced myself through the pain.

  It was never enough.

  I had to keep on going. Winter was coming.

  I needed to loot everything I could and salvage whatever was usable.

  I couldn’t have her suffering from a cold.

  No matter how hard you tried, it was never enough.

  Empty rooms.

  Day after day.

  I felt my stomach hollow out.

  No matter how many houses I cleared out, it never felt like it was enough to get us through the winter.

  You were always too weak, always too slow.

  I was carrying someone on my back.

  I needed to get her medicine.

  She was sick.

  I couldn’t let her die.

  I screamed out into the void, desperately praying that someone would answer me.

  No one did.

  I felt all the light in my world drain away.

  I suffocated in the terrible feeling of despair.

  You never managed to protect anything with your own power.

  I choked in burning hatred.

  Oxygen was smothered by lashing flames, greedily devouring the world around me.

  My flesh melted from my bones.

  I screamed, only for the noise to evaporate in the hate.

  I tried to use my magic to heal myself.

  It did not answer me.

  Exposed bones crumbled into ash.

  Everything was consumed by fire.

  I was left with nothing.

  I reached out into the darkness, trying to find anything to hold onto.

  No one. Nothing.

  Help.

  I just-...

  I just didn’t want to be alone.

  Please.

  I just wanted anyone.

  You were never strong enough to grasp it with your own two hands.

  I fell to my knees.

  I felt the warmth of the sick body on my back slowly fade.

  Please.

  Anyone.

  I looked up, and found a woman.

  Her eyes were bright gold.

  You always had to be handed salvation by someone else.

  She looked up towards the moon on a lonely balcony on an isolated mountain home, smiling with tears in her eyes as she traced the moon with her fingers, dreaming of holding it in her hands.

  I looked upon her expression, mystified, something ugly brewing in my heart.

  How nice.

  I was jealous.

  I wish I had that strength.

  If I called you Mother, could you lend me your smile?

  Clinging onto whoever came your way.

  That is all you were good at.

  You, alone, by yourself, are nothing.

  I was cold and hungry.

  I saw a little girl on the street, crying as she was taken away from an orphanage.

  I thought about the little sister I never got to meet.

  I was bitter.

  So I stole her away.

  It wasn’t for her own good. I was just being selfish. I didn’t want to suffer alone.

  “...no… t-that’s not…”

  I looked up at the woman’s bright golden eyes.

  It must have been nice, finding it so easy to live, to find strength, to find reason.

  It was just shallow greed.

  “...t-that’s not right… no, no… I-I don’t…”

  I wanted those feelings for myself. So I latched onto her, like a tumor.

  “...it isn’t true… it isn’t true… it isn’t true, it isn’t true it isn’t true-”

  You never had any strength.

  I never had any strength.

  You cannot hold onto anything.

  I never held onto anything.

  This city. These people.

  Mother. Luna. Arden. Setsuna. Kagura. Hayate.

  The old man I bought mushrooms from every week. The kind lady who lent me her garden. The merchant who brought spices from the east.

  The adventurers and knights who worked so hard to protect this place. All the innocent people who just wanted to live peacefully. The engineers and scholars who were giving all they had to fulfil Mother’s impossible dream.

  How can you expect to protect them?

  The faceless man and his cold colourless eyes.

  Remember your oath.

  The world’s cruel and lonely tide is naught but sanity. If that means kindness is madness, then the mad riptide I will be.

  Luna would live and be happy. No matter what.

  At any cost.

  …

  Are you prepared to pay the price?

  “No, no, no, no… no no no no no no no no.”

  No matter where this path takes me.

  No matter how many others scorn me.

  It doesn’t matter if everything else breaks, carried upon the cold waves, crashing upon the world’s uncaring shore and its rocks.

  I will stand above the cruel tide.

  At any cost.

  “Let me out, let me out! Let me out let me out let me ou-”

  There was a knock on the door.

  I gasped, almost screaming as I fell out of bed, slamming into the floor.

  Cold. Cold.

  It was so cold.

  I was panting. I was shivering.

  The last remains of the nightmare I suffered slowly started to slip from my mind.

  I choked.

  Tears welled in my eyes as the last of the terrors were expelled from my system.

  I was left feeling numb, like there was something missing, something I couldn’t forget.

  What… what was it?

  No, no…

  Everything was fine. It was okay.

  Everything is still alright.

  I heard the echo of someone knocking on the door again.

  What was I doing?

  I looked around the room, finding it cluttered with scattered books and papers, littered around messily.

  Oh, right.

  It was mid-day already.

  Mother and Luna already left.

  I stayed home, still finding myself restless and frazzled.

  “Young Lady Estelle, are you home?”

  I heard an unfamiliar voice call out to me.

  I regained my breath, steadying my shaking body.

  I gulped.

  “G-give me a minute. I’ll be there in a moment,” I shouted back.

  I shakily stood myself up and hobbled towards the front door.

  My weak fingers wrapped around the door knob, pulling it open.

  A helmeted knight saluted me.

  “Miss, a suspicious figure approached the gates earlier this morning. Though not hostile, and passing all the Citadel’s scans, she was unable to pass any identification checks, so according to protocol, she had to be detained. She claims to be a friend of yours, on the same team at your school, to be exact. Though we wanted to write her claims off due to her… eccentricities, that would be irresponsible. We were hoping you could either deny or verify her identity for us.”

  “Y-yeah, sure… could you describe them for me?” I nodded tiredly, still feeling drained.

  “Blue hair, green eyes. Elven ears. Dressed only in a tattered robe, carries around a rusty sword, speaks strangely.”

  I perked up at that information.

  “Setsuna?”

  The knight nodded.

  “That was the name she gave, yes. Would you like to come in person to check?”

  “Sure,” I smiled, feeling a bit more relieved, “just give me a second to get changed and grab my stuff.”

  “Do not touch my blade with thy unpracticed hands, lest thou wishest for it to be drawn upon thee.”

  The story has been taken without consent; if you see it on Amazon, report the incident.

  “Ma’am, we’ve been over this, all unauthorised personnel cannot be allowed to carry weapons on them, even if they are as dull and rusted as yours-”

  “Art thou insinuating that this blade is harmless, simply because it hath no edge? A fool, truly. Only the unenlightened require a sharp blade to cut apart the sky.”

  “-ncludes provisional Adventurers, until the local Guild is able to confirm your registration and license. Unless you disarm yourself and give yourself up for further security checks and interrogation, we cannot let you into the city, no matter your intentions.”

  A huff.

  “Then so be it. Here at this gate, behind this line drawn by my sword, I shall remain. I shall not give up my precious blade.”

  “Ma’am, we’re going to have to request you to turn away, then. As stated before, Arden is currently to be considered a warzone. At any minute, a battle could break out, and we cannot guarantee your safety.”

  “Dost thou doubt mine art? Art thou in need of demonstration? Are Sangferrian knights so ignorant, so unrespectful of art?”

  An annoyed drawl.

  “No, ma’am, this is just… us exercising proper vigilance. Even if you were an S-Rank as you claim, the same protocols would be in place, and as far as I’m aware, the only one we’re expecting is Professor Avernus Sibyl.”

  I smiled as I approached, looking at the knight guiding the way.

  “I thought you said you had her detained.”

  He awkwardly scraped his helmet with his armored finger, as if he was scratching his hair.

  “Er, well… it’s functionally the same, no? She isn’t moving from the spot, nor is she taking any action. Well, um… maybe I did take a few liberties when I described the situation.”

  I giggled.

  That sound caught Setsuna’s attention.

  I gave her a small wave as I walked up.

  “Estelle,” she simply nodded in greeting, her arms folded over her chest, “it seems this farce can be concluded then, thou askt for a guarantor, and she hath appeared.”

  I looked to the side, glancing towards the witch on standby, who, in classic Citadel mage fashion, was just sitting off to the side tinkering with her own work, not caring much for the conversation at hand.

  “Excuse me miss, have you confirmed with magic that-”

  I was interrupted by a silent thumbs up, followed by a shooing motion, with the witch not even bothering to look up from her papers to answer me.

  I just chuckled, reminded of Luna’s behaviour.

  I nodded towards the knight on duty, who greeted me with a salute.

  “I’ll take it from here, sir. Thank you for your work. Sorry about her, by the way, I know she can be a bit frustrating to talk to.”

  A sigh echoed from inside his helmet as his shoulders slouched, visibly spent.

  Yeah, I understood that feeling. Trying to talk to Setsuna as someone who wasn’t well-acquainted with her was like talking to a brick wall.

  “Young Lady, I assume by your presence and reaction that your… friend is telling the truth? If so, please remind her in the future to always carry proper identification on her at all times. As far as I am aware, even students at Nindo are given proper provisional licenses. If she carried even just that much, this whole fiasco could have been avoided.”

  Behind him, Setsuna scoffed.

  “I am not a mercenary, I am a wande-”

  I smiled wryly.

  “It’s a work in progress. She can be a bit stubborn when it comes to her lifestyle.”

  Six years living together, and we still couldn’t manage to convince her to take anything aside from her sword with her when she went outside.

  Half the time she still forgot to even bring her textbooks and stationery with her to class.

  It was a wonder how she had managed to survive on her own before coming to Nindo.

  “Alright, come on, Setsuna, let’s get you inside.”

  I gestured back towards the city.

  It was a shame that it was so desolate right now.

  “Here you go, as always.”

  A cup of steaming herbal tea was set down across the table.

  “I thank thee for thy hospitality.”

  “...I’ve told you before, you can drop the gratitude.”

  “And thou shalt tell me countless more times. Regardless, thou art my host, and to thee my respects shall be paid.”

  I sighed, but smiled nevertheless.

  It was good to know some things never changed.

  Is that so?

  The wheel turns.

  Her eyes flicked up, looking at the wide hat that sat upon my head.

  “I see much has changed since the last time we spoke.”

  I looked up, pulling at the brim slightly and tracing its edge, smiling fondly.

  “Yeah, I can properly call myself a witch now. Mother finally gave me the right to wear the hat.”

  Setsuna just nodded tersely, taking a sip of tea before closing her eyes, calling upon an old memory.

  “I remember when my master passed his sword down to me. One of scant precious memories of my younger years. At the time, despite the honour that was graced upon me, ‘twas just confusing to my little self, I could not understand why my master left such a little, ignorant girl his most precious possession and legacy. It was only years later, at the time of his passage, that I understood his intent.”

  She frowned, opening her eyes to stare at the withered handle on her ancient blade.

  “Cherish the time thou spends with thy family. Cherish all that is bestowed upon thee. Thou wilt never know when it could all crumble into dust.”

  All is impermanent.

  My smile became brittle.

  My fingers twitched around the teacup in my hand.

  I calmed myself down.

  I had to be strong.

  They were all just pointless worries. Frivolous nightmares I would look back and laugh at.

  Nothing was wrong.

  It was okay…

  It had to be.

  “What brings you here, anyways? Hardly the best time of the year to be visiting Arden,” I tried to change the topic, taking a sip of tea to calm the nerves.

  Setsuna furrowed her brow, her face settling into a serious expression.

  “So I have heard, and so the whispers say. The students of Nindo murmur. They say that Arden hath gone to war. Thy little sister hath not returned to its halls. Both Sangferrus and Tenmai have been swept with tension and unease. Many rumours have spread of the nature of thine enemy, though none in agreeance with one another. I have heard from some ‘tis an ancient evil, and from others they are a new faction, dissatisfied with thy mother’s ambition. I felt myself filled with concern, so naturally, I came to witness the situation with mine own eyes.”

  I raised an eyebrow.

  “I’m surprised the headmaster was willing to give you time off.”

  She just scowled, clicking her tongue.

  “‘Twas not without effort or sacrifice. That wretched bag of skin agreed to let me see thee only if a single condition could be fulfilled, take a single victory from him in a spar. For a whole blasted week mine effort was fruitless, leaving thee alone in thy peril. I apologise.”

  I just chuckled.

  “No, don’t apologise for anything, I’m just glad you’re doing okay.”

  Setsuna frowned, staring right into my soul.

  “I wishest the same could be said for thee. Thy face is terrible.”

  I flinched, almost spilling my tea.

  I shook my head in denial.

  “I-I’m fine, y-you don’t need to worry about me.”

  She just continued staring at me.

  “Thou liest.”

  “...”

  They were simple words, self-evident and almost pointless to even say, but still, even a truth as tiny as that was enough to silence me.

  I stared into the off-coloured reflection within my drink.

  I was pale. My hair was messy. The bags underneath my eyes were obvious.

  “Even one as ignorant and academically ungifted as myself can see something so simple, Estelle.”

  I bit my lip and trembled.

  I slowly set the teacup back down on the table.

  “What hath happened to thee in this intermediary period, Estelle? What plague is it that befalls Arden, to reduce one as valiant as thee to such a pitiful state?”

  She believes in you.

  Will you disappoint her?

  I hung my head, my shaking arms slowly coming up to clutch my scalp.

  Everyone believes in you.

  They all need you.

  Can you live up to that?

  “I don’t know.”

  The faceless man. Endless worlds of ice and fire.

  “I-... we don’t know, Setsuna. We don’t know where they’re coming from, we don’t know how many of them there are, we don’t know why they want the Paradox Engine so badly.”

  I continued to tremble.

  “The only thing I know is that he’s there. Just waiting. No one else knows. Even if they read my report, they just won’t get it. They can’t. They weren’t there, but I was.”

  Setsuna’s frown just deepened.

  “And what is it exactly that thou wast witness to?”

  I paused.

  “A monster, Setsuna, a monster. He’s nothing like what we’ve seen in our exams. None of the beasts on Yrd compare to him. The only person in Arden who could match him is Mother.”

  Every night, over and over.

  That brief moment of hesitation on Luna’s face.

  A field of fire that could only be compared to Hell.

  I kept on seeing it, playing in my mind whenever I tried to close my eyes.

  Barriers shattering like flimsy plates. Flesh that melted faster than I could restore.

  How was I supposed to sleep?

  My fingers dug into my hair as the hat on my head slowly slid off my back.

  “Estelle…”

  “He bypassed all the security and defences, not even the Citadel knows how he got in. The generators just exploded and he didn’t even care, he just walked off. I-if I wasn’t there, if it was anyone else, what would have happened? Would Arden still even be here? What if he’s there, what if he comes again? Who even knows why he hasn’t appeared again? Any day, it could happen, and no one would notice him. And they won’t even know what happened to them, and it’ll be too late. What am I supposed to do, Setsuna?”

  “Estelle-”

  “Luna almost died!” I screamed, my voice slowly tearing as the hysteria started to shake me, “I was right there, I was right in front of her and it still wasn’t enough! Everything I’ve ever learnt and it still isn’t enough! What was the point of any of our time at Nindo if after all of it, I still can’t save anyone!? And at any time, it could just happen without warning and none of us would know! None of us would make it in time!”

  To be exact, I wasn’t afraid of dying.

  I wasn’t afraid of being hurt.

  I was afraid of being powerless. Afraid that everything would slip through my fingers right in front of me, and afraid that there wouldn’t be anything that I could do to stop it.

  “Do you know what would have happened if Mother was just a single second late!?”

  “Estelle!”

  “She would be gone, I wouldn’t have a sister anymore!”

  You remember the hospital room, don’t you?

  You remember what it did to you once.

  What would you sacrifice to stop it happening a second time?

  “What is any of this for if it will all just crumble away in an instant!?”

  “Estelle!”

  A harsh slap froze me.

  I felt my mind cool down from the built-up panic as my cheek stung and burned.

  Setsuna scowled, balling her hand into a fist out of frustration as she regarded me with a look of worry.

  She opened and closed her mouth repeatedly for a few seconds, only growing more frustrated as she failed to find the proper words.

  “I have never been deft with words. My tongue hath always been my weakness, but ever were you by my side for those matters.”

  She tried to comfort me, calming my still-shivering hand by wrapping her palm around it.

  “But here I stand, watching as unknown terrors plague a dear friend. I know not what hath befallen Arden, nor what fright thou hast endured, but ignorance and a lacking tongue is no reason to sit still as dear friends suffer. Perhaps my voice is weak, but where reason doth falter, action steps forth, and mine own hands have always been mine one faith.”

  She frowned, peering straight into my sleep-deprived eyes.

  “How long hast thou been at the whim of these dreadful thoughts?”

  It had been close to two months since our birthday had passed.

  Luna was supposed to be in Nindo right now, looking forward to the beautiful view of the autumn forest. Instead, she stubbornly refused to leave, thinking that the city still had need for her skills.

  She discovered the cultist’s subject of worship.

  What have you contributed?

  “Two weeks,” I whispered.

  That was how long it had been since the incident at the energy district.

  Setsuna clicked her tongue, upset.

  “Two weeks,” she repeated, “two weeks have I left thee to suffer by oneself. What hast thou been doing in the interim? Hast thou no other companions, what of thy friends, what of thy family?”

  “The knights pulled me off active duty, I can’t be on the frontlines anymore.”

  Why?

  Why won’t they just let you help?

  “And Mother and Luna… Mother has been spending most of her time at the war council, doesn’t have the time for much else, and Luna… she spends all day in the libraries, trying to dig for information.”

  “So thou wert alone? What hast thou been wasting thy days doing?”

  “Studying,” I mumbled, “Mother’s notes on Samsara… trying to understand as much of it as possible. I-it’s the only thing that can help, it’s the only way I can stop anything bad from happening.”

  Setsuna snarled as she looked up, her eyes darting around the doors, as she seemingly tried to recall her mental map of this place from when she visited years ago during her last stay at Arden.

  She jumped up and started marching away.

  Where was she going?

  Was she… going to my room?

  Is she trying to keep you weak?

  “W-wait, Setsuna!”

  I stumbled after her.

  “P-please, don’t go in! I’m doing fine, you don’t need to worry about me!”

  Why does everyone want you to stay away?

  You don’t need to be protected.

  You have to protect them.

  The door slammed open.

  Endless piles of books and paper were littered about the floor. The wood beneath was barely visible.

  Setsuna gingerly picked up a piece of paper, appraising it with a frown.

  Illegible, maddened scribbles fraying outside margins – it was messy, even worse than her own writing.

  She gripped it tightly, scrunching its edges.

  “This is poison to thy mind, Estelle.”

  “It- it isn’t!” I tried to raise my voice, but I was barely able to manage even a scrap of volume, “Samsara, it’s the only thing that worked! It’s the only method I have that can defend agains-”

  I was interrupted by the ripping of paper.

  “Setsuna!” I screamed in panic, “What are you doing!?”

  She snatched my hand, storming away from the room, dragging me along with her despite my best, futile attempts at resistance.

  “Taking thee away from this accursed place. ‘Tis poison to thy weakened self. Thou art in need of peace. Of rest.”

  “How am I supposed to sleep!? Let go!”

  “A warrior with no rest is no warrior at all. One needs strength and energy on the battlefield to lift a shield. Thou can protect nothing in such a sorry state. Thou art in need of distance. Away from thy studies, away from thy worries. This place is not so fragile as to collapse in the blink of an eye, fret about it just a little less.”

  “Where are you taking me!?”

  “First, away from here. Thou shalt find somewhere else to sleep for the night. Then when thou art well-rested, I am taking thee and running. Away from Arden. Away from the source of thy terrors and off to Yrd to replenish thy mind.”

  “I-it’s not safe outside the city! Mother will never let me just run off!”

  “Do not forget by whose side it is that thou stands. If thy mother believes my blade to be insufficient to keep her daughter safe, then I shall prove it to her like I did the headmaster, and take her down in single combat. ‘Tis the least I can do to lend a hand for one in such a sorry state.”

  Short one today.

  Next chapter is going to be another ‘internet’ chapter, and its gonna be weird.