“I will not sit here and let you lecture me!” Dawn yelled.

  “I am not lecturing you. I am asking you to stop cooking fish in the microwave.” I threw my hands in the air. “Both myself and Alexia use it. We do not like our popcorn tasting like fish.”

  “Also,” Alexia said. “Eating fish is cruel. And disgusting.”

  Dawn regarded Alexia. “Young lady, I am one thousand years old. I do not require permission. I will eat what I want, where I want.”

  “Can you switch to sushi? Something that doesn’t make the microwave and Nowhere smell like damp garbage?”

  Colored energy began to coil around Dawn.

  I raised an eyebrow and said, “Really, Dawn? You know that won’t hurt me.”

  Dawn made a finger gun. Her thumb dropped. A green bullet flew across the room, into the kitchen, and smacked the microwave. A small mushroom cloud formed, then dissipated, revealing a pile of ash.

  Dawn cackled, “Now none of us can use it! How do you like them apples, kids?”

  “I am not a fan of apples.”

  “It’s an idiom, Gray,” Alexia explained. “She’s basically saying ‘fuck you’.”

  “I see.” I stomped over to Dawn. “I am as old as the multiverse itself. I have maintained the balance between life and death. I have sustained the universe. If I don’t want fish cooked in our microwave, by your own logic, you must comply with my wishes.”

  Alexia smirked, crossing her arms.

  Dawn’s face turned cartoonishly red, her leg went back, then flew forward. Her foot connected with my genitals, then I crumpled to the floor.

  “Hmph.” Dawn spun and stomped toward her rooms. “I don’t care how old you are, Gray. You’re still my grandson and I will not accept this kind of behavior from you.”

  Alexia handed me an icepack to soothe my genitals.

  “Dawn,” I squeaked. “This is not over.”

  I turned to Alexia. “We must plan our next move.”

  “Are you sure you don’t want to just buy her a microwave for her rooms?”

  I scratched my chin. “That is the most logical solution, but she crunched my genitals.” My face hardened. “This is war.”

  “She’s going to destroy us, Gray.”

  “How? I am a force of nature. I cannot be harmed.”

  Alexia nodded toward my crotch, then raised an eyebrow.

  “Even so,” I declared. “The fight goes on.”

  Alexia rolled her eyes. “You’re lucky I love you.”

  “I know,” I said. “Can you grab the missiles from the hangar?”

  “We have missiles?!”

  I nodded. “We have lots of missiles. Rocks. Arrows. Minutemen. Tomahawks. Tomatoes.”

  “We have ICBMs?”

  “Of course. How else would we maintain mutually assured destruction?”

  “With whom?”

  “Tiger Reaper, of course.”

  Unlawfully taken from Royal Road, this story should be reported if seen on Amazon.

  “Tiger Reaper has nukes?”

  “I’ve never asked.”

  Alexia shook her head. “Let’s plan our next move.”

  “I did. We are going to blow up her rooms.”

  “No, we aren’t.” Alexia grinned, devil horns sprouted from her head. “Let’s go to the store.”

  Alexia and I returned an hour later, giggling about our fiendish plan.

  “Okay,” Alexia said. “Grab that giant tub of glitter, the funnel, and the giant balloon.”

  I brought the items to Alexia.

  “Now, stick the funnel in the balloon and fill it with as much glitter as possible, then blow it up and tie it.”

  Alexia ran to our rooms while I followed her instructions. She returned with a large box, tape, and thumbtacks.

  “We need to disguise this as a package for Dawn.”

  “I have an idea.”

  I took a sharpie and wrote: “To Dawn. You make Rhymetusk’s heart swell with love. Rhymetusk would like you to accompany Rhymetusk on a date this weekend. Love, Rhymetusk.”

  “Dawn has a boyfriend?” Alexia asked.

  I shook my head. “A frost giant attorney is in love with her. She enjoys stringing him along.”

  “She’s evil.”

  “We call it chaotic neutral.”

  The couple placed the package at her door, rang the doorbell, then hid behind the couch.

  “Oh, a package.” Dawn picked it up. “From Rhymetusk. Hopefully he sent some of those candied glow worms from Pluto.”

  Dawn ripped the tape off, pulled the flaps up, and BOOM. A gallon of glitter covered her head to toe.

  We tried so hard not to snicker that we burst out laughing.

  “Gray! Alexia!” Dawn shouted. “You’ll pay for this!”

  The Next Day

  I stretched as I got out of bed. Moved my neck back and forth to feel those exquisite pops. Then Alexia ran out of the bathroom screaming.

  “Saran wrap, Gray! She put saran wrap over the toilet! I’m covered in… I’m going to take a shower. Then we pull out the big guns.”

  An hour later Alexia and I sat on the couch watching “Raising Hope”, anxiously waiting.

  “Gray! Alexia! Kitchen, now!”

  We walked in, innocence painted on our faces. Dawn stood there, coffee cup in hand, eyes blazing.

  “You replaced my coffee with dirt?!”

  “We have no idea what you’re talking about,” Alexia said. “We’ve been binging ‘Raising Hope’ all morning.”

  Dawn turned to me. “Is that true?”

  “Of course—”

  “I’m talking to Gray.” She turned her eyes toward Alexia. “Not you.”

  “We were watching Raising Hope all morning,” I said.

  “While doing that, did you switch my coffee with dirt?”

  I shuffled my feet, looking everywhere Dawn was not, then muttered under my breath. “Yes.”

  Dawn’s entire head turned to fire. “You two called down the thunder! Well now you’ve got it!” She turned and stomped back to her rooms.

  Alexia looked at me. “Gray. We have to work on your lying.”

  The war continued for months.

  Dawn rubberbanded the sink sprayer.

  We filled her rooms with ten thousand rubber ducks.

  She released four hundred snakes.

  Alexia named them.

  We sabotaged eclairs.

  She ruined beer.

  Tit for tat. Month after month.

  Until it went too far.

  Alexia and I entered Nowhere—and froze.

  There, on our couch, sat my nemesis: Tiger Reaper. They had their dirty paws all over Dawn. Tongue down her throat, clothes half off, orange fur mingled with wrinkled skin.

  “What is going on?” I yelled. “That… thing is not welcome here.”

  Tiger Reaper grinned. “Hey buddy. How's the pretending to be human business?”

  I looked at Alexia. “Did you hear the buzzing of a fly just now?”

  “You know I’m talking to you, Reaper.”

  “There is that buzzing again.”

  “Oh leave them be.” Dawn pulled Tiger Reaper’s attention back to her. “Let’s pick up where we left off.”

  “Enough!” My voice boomed. “I will put up with a lot, Dawn. But bringing that monstrosity into my house is too far. If you wish to continue this dalliance, you are welcome to leave.”

  I sliced the air. Space parted. I grabbed Tiger Reaper by the scruff of their neck and tossed them into the Indian Ocean.

  “Will you be following, Dawn?”

  Shock painted her face. Her eyes remained steady.

  She smoothed her clothing, stood up, then said, “I’m quite comfortable here. Tiger Reaper will no longer be coming over. I won't cook fish in the microwave.”

  “Now go to your rooms and think about what you’ve done.”

  Dawn walked past Alexia and whispered, “They’re just about ready.”

  Alexia leapt on me, tearing off my clothes. “That was so fucking sexy! Throwing a tiger around. Yelling at Dawn.”

  Worth it.

  The Adventures of Alison Alistair and The River and Friends series - River and the Bug and The Beagle and the Robin.