While I couldn’t eat as much as I wanted due to the corset, the food certainly did help me start to think clearer. The first thing I did was shove Rin into a corner of my brain and lock it. It didn’t do much for the stimulation that had already occurred, but it did stop her from driving the Hunger to greater heights.

  Now all I had to deal with was my own body’s improper cravings, restrictive clothing, and whatever else I had forgotten for the next few hours while smiling politely at nobles and maintaining my disguise.

  First step, I wasn’t drinking tonight.

  Not that it was an easy task. My goblet was already full and there was a lot of pressure from my table, Lady Emma in particular, to drink. I spent far too long trying to decipher if that was because of the enticement field or genuine helpfulness before deciding it didn’t particularly matter. Either way, I couldn’t drink. So, I mimed. I pretended. And tried desperately to ignore the fact that my throat was getting drier as we went.

  Next, I made a point to eat a little of every plate that passed by, eating a bit at a time, almost absentmindedly. Several times I found myself with the wine goblet in hand, looking to wash something down and had to actively put it down. I did, eventually, discreetly ask for water and got some, but at the cost of a very confused looking waiter and a few odd glances at the table. I smiled, shrugged, and asked a follow up question to one of Lord Winthrop’s stories to redirect people away from me. There were a few knowing glances at that, but everyone went along with it.

  Which brought me to my final distraction, conversation.

  It seemed happenstance, but the more distracted by conversation I got, the less glassy eyed Lady Emma became. Thankfully, both Lord Winthrop and his family seemed very interested in our group. It was understandable and given that we also seemed very interested in each other helped it along.

  I learned a lot that evening and though the exact details of the conversations avoided me, mostly due to the sheer amount of distractions that were present.

  For instance, Ignas, for all of his bluster and gruffness, was also a very keen observer of food. He would often comment on the particular blends of spices used by the chefs and their blend. It became something of a game. Each time a new course was brought out, Ignas would sample it, give us a list of ingredients and some observations about the preparations and then one of the pages would be sent to verify with the chef. He was always right with the spices. On the preparations and, what I inferred were local and higher class ingredients, he was close enough that we were still impressed.

  Or the prolonged conversation about what we were wearing. I had been the only one to borrow something from the lord, which told me about how my allies packed and traveled. Cecilia and Dorekilik, who insisted we shorten his name to Kilik, both wore sharply angled trousers, boots, and a tight fitted jacket. A ‘dress uniform’ from the militaries they served in. Similar in the basics, but wildly different in the details.

  Cecilia’s jacket and boots, for instance, were black but the boots only came up to her ankles and looked far more flexible than solid. Her jacket was tight and only had a single piece of adornment over her left breast. What was most impressive was how thin the material was. When she offered us a chance to touch it, I could feel the groves opposite my knuckles through it.

  Kilik’s uniform, however, was a very bright red and his boots nearly came up to his knees. The jacket was also heavily padded, which Kilik explained was because it was a type of armor, made from several layers of cloth and designed with cooler climates in mind. The fact that both had not only brought, but thought it appropriate wear, their military uniforms was just as informative as the materials they were made from. Tellingly, it also seemed acceptable to the nobles. There were a few stray comments I caught, but nothing negative. Most seemed to be amused or trying to place the uniform.

  Unlike Ignas’s furs, which had only seemed to multiply since this morning. While the nobles voiced disapproval in the haphazard arrangement of them, Ignas was telling anyone that would listen about how furs indicated his hunting prowess and would then regale them with a pair of stories about how he caught two of the more notable ones. I, however, spent the entire time wondering how warm he had to be under all of that.

  Faith was probably similarly warm, dressed in a long dress coat that covered them from head to ankle and gave no indication of gender whatsoever. No one else felt the need to comment, so I kept the questions to myself. I would have to sort that out later. Though, it did have me longing for the gender specific forms of address again. Runnan was truly an awful language.

  The most important conversation came later in the evening, near the start of the sixth course, which was a dessert. At this point, I literally couldn’t eat anymore given how confined my stomach felt and was just waiting for the last two courses to quickly pass so I could excuse myself without consequence. Then, with the grace of a wandering granite bear, Ignas turned the conversation.

  “So, how did each of you claim?” he asked with a wicked glint in his eye.

  “Claim?” Kilik and Lady Katherine asked almost in unison.

  “Defeated,” Ignas clarified, “Struck down. Killed.”

  There was a mildly offended gasp from Lady Susan while her two daughters leaned inward. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw concern and interest warring on Lord Winthrop’s face.

  “That is not polite dinner conversation for such a dinner,” Faith gently reprimanded. Lady Susan nodded firmly in agreement, but her daughters looked a bit downtrodden.

  “I don’t think it’s polite conversation in general,” Cecilia rebutted. “Tracking those you defeat is impractical and foolish at best.”

  Ignas laughed, ignoring all the signs around him. “Ha! That is short sighted. There are plenty of reasons to count foes.”

  Kilik looked over his wine glass, a difficult task made easier by the fact that he stood on his chair instead of sitting at it so he could be at eye level with the rest of us. “Besides another contest?” he asked dryly.

  Ignas nodded, “Is most important reason, but not only. How many did we fight today total? How many men did we deprive from those attacking Winthrop? Gives useful information about your enemy.”

  Cecilia and Kilik shared a glance at that and then reluctantly nodded in concession.

  “That would be a useful bit of information,” Kilik agreed, “Give me moment, and I’ll figure it out.”

  “Two,” Cecilia said after a moment, “Though, I spent most of the fight distracting people and allowing the guards a chance to fight back.”

  “And while that was helpful,” Ignas said with a swagger, “I felled four of them.”

  “Are you counting ones you attacked or ones you landed the final blow on?” Faith asked curiously.

  “Final blow,” Ignas responded incredulously, as if any other way of counting was just uncalled for.

  “Then four for me as well,” Faith said with a sigh.

  Ignas seemed frustrated at that for a moment before nodding vigorously, “A tie. We will have to compete again.”

  “But what about the rest of the Starborn?” Lady Katherine chimed in.

  The look of utter disdain across their mother’s face made Katherine and Emma’s abashed curiosity all the more amusing. Sheepishly, Lady Katherine continued. “That means there are at least ten attackers, but was that the final number?”

  Ignas turned and looked at us expectantly. “Yes, weigh in. Is good bonding activity.”

  With a sigh Kilik counted on his fingers, muttering to himself. “If I recall, the guards defeated three before we arrived and one fled. Add in the three I put down that brings our total to sixteen attackers.”

  “And still, Faith and I share our victory,” Ignas said, raising his hands triumphantly.

  It was amusing that despite both Cecilia and Kilik’s insistence that keeping track of enemies defeated, they still had exact counts of how many people they had struck down.

  “But what about Lady Kara,” Lady Emma said pointing to me.

  “Feh,” Ignas said. “She didn’t touch them, doesn’t count.”

  There was a pause followed by Faith and Kilik laughing very loudly. “No, no, that doesn’t count,” Faith eventually managed in a mocking tone, that was probably meant as an imitation of Ignas, “It would make me lose.”

  The way Ignas’ lips curled told me they weren’t taking it quite as jokingly as the rest. “Is matter of combat prowess, not casting ability. Like comparing sheep and pigs, similar but not same.”

  I nodded, not interested in bragging, “Seems reasonable to me.”

  Ignas smiled at that but Kilik interrupted with a shake of his head, “Regardless of whether or not it matters for the sake of competition, it is important for our data.” The ways his ears twitched however told me that he was taking some pleasure in this process. He probably was still remembering the argument about honor duels from earlier in the day.

  “Well,” I slowly said, casting my thoughts to earlier in the day.

  I could feel Rin beating at the barrier I had set up, probably looking to give me the exact count in morbid detail. Or give instructions on how to turn these numbers into a method to get someone into my bed. I shook my head and cast that aside, playing the fight backwards in my head.

  “The four on the cannon,” I said tapping my fingers in turn, “Then the three before that.” I froze, realizing that my count would have to include the man I....

  Oh, empty earth, I had killed someone today. What was my world? I had been so distracted by clothes, Rin, lust, and food that I hadn’t had time to really think about that. The tears I had felt earlier that day were threatening to well back up. I shook my head, trying to focus back on the moment, but the image of the man slamming to the ground, his flesh charred, came into my mind’s eye.

  The tale has been stolen; if detected on Amazon, report the violation.

  Faith reached out and put a comforting hand on my shoulder, “And one more would be eight.”

  “Feh,” Ignas said dismissively. “She also got Kilik. Friendly fire counts as negative.”

  Kilik laughed, “Even so, she still got more than you.”

  “Pigs and sheep,” he insisted.

  “And this is why I was suggesting comforts of the flesh,” Rin said.

  I wasn’t even surprised that she was there. She had already been battering at the wall I had shoved her behind and now I was too distracted to actively keep her out.

  “Twenty-six,” Kilik counted. “Twenty-six attackers.”

  “Twenty-seven if we include the man who surrendered,” Cecilia added.

  I became very interested in my food, trying to hide the potentially welling tears while Faith discretely rubbed my back. It was soothing. I knew that at some point I’d be mortified that I needed to be soothed in public, but right now it was a point for me to focus on that instead of replaying that scene again.

  “Twenty-seven mercenaries. Trained ones at that,” Cecilia mused. “What’s the going rate on that in the area? Anyone know?”

  Distractions. Faith’s hand was good. Food, food had proven an able distraction this evening. But as I reached for the fork, my hand froze and my sides hurt. Right, corset. Full. Not an option.

  “Engaging with Lady Emma’s coquetry would certainly be distracting.”

  After I took the moment to decipher what ‘coquetry’ was, I was startled, followed swiftly by angry.

  “Easily a hundred gold pieces,” Lord Winthrop said, “Though, depending on the skill and reputation, it could be far more.”

  “Truly?” I seethed at Rin mentally, “I am trying to accept and comprehend the fact that I have deliberately taken another’s life today and you continue to advocate for indulgences that could possibly take another is foolish at best.”

  “You choose larger words when you are angry,” Rin commented.

  “More,” Kilik said somewhere nearby, “Each of the attackers were wearing leather armor. That’s expensive.”

  Ignas laughed, “Especially if they have to buy from hunters. Many Freeport merchants buy skins and leathers from us. Very good trades. For us.”

  Lord Winthrop agreed with a nod, “Leather is a luxury in Freeport. Islands, even ones that heavily trade, have a hard time with cattle or the like. We’re far more likely to use metal or cloth armor.”

  A stray tangent of my mind latched onto that and started thinking about how they would renew those resources and the implications. A task for later.

  “You’re deflecting Rin. Why?” I asked, mentally glaring at her, before a far more salient question occurred. “How?”

  Before this she had been single minded in her pursuit of my preservation, but now she was attempting, in some way, self-preservation. In fact, last time I had confronted her, she had said nothing rather than try to lie. Deflection represented an escalation in her abilities.

  Unless she wasn’t.

  Errant scraps of the past few days came to mind. Quotes I hadn’t been able to source. Advocating for satiating Hunger despite how I normally panicked even considering anything adjacent. A complete lack of desire to even attempt to suppress the enticement field.

  “You’ve… grown.”

  “Debatable. But correct in the broad strokes. I am more aware than I was previously.”

  Panic welled and the world around me fell away. Oh, I had been so panicked about the Hunger and the Darkways that I hadn’t been paying her enough attention. I had written this off, trusted in the self-interest, but now there was something more. Something new I had failed to notice. And while she didn’t have control before, was that still true?

  “I do still want you to survive because it’s in my own interest.”

  Not exactly comforting, but what could I do? My mind started to think of methods to confront, if not solve, this problem but then I felt Lady Emma’s hands at my side and flinched back to the moment. She was looking at me with concern and I gave her a weak smile. Across the table, conversation continued.

  “So, what the question we should be asking is who could afford to hire twenty-seven mercenaries and outfit them in leather armor,” Faith inquired to my right. “Be that through purchases or through having access to the materials. Including a Menic cannon and the smokepowder to make it work.”

  Lord Winthrop drummed on the table for a moment, before Lady Susan spoke up. “That is a rather short list. Or at least potentially so. We’ll see if we can’t find something involving that information by tomorrow.”

  A thought of how to deal with Rin occurred. She was of, or at least in, my mind. So if I could interact with my mind… Wouldn’t work today, I was too tired. But tomorrow perhaps.

  But that was tomorrow. For now I would have to take her at her word. Which brought me back to the original question I had asked.

  “Why am I deflecting? You’ve made very astute observations and conclusions about my character. Apply those same skills here.”

  That felt more like mocking than helpful, but she never said she was here to help.

  “And if I figure it out myself, I’m far more likely to trust it since it didn’t come from you.”

  “Obviously.”

  Facts. Rin was intentionally provoking me. By deflecting questions or encouraging behavior she knew I didn’t approve of. She also claimed I had made an accurate read about her abilities.

  “That would be very helpful,” Cecilia said, sounding pleased. I was distantly aware of a bell being rung. Seventh course.

  She had encouraged me to… engage with Lady Emma. If engaging with Lady Emma had a similar result to Eninald, then that could potentially be based on more power. I hadn’t verified or really explored what it meant that I had someone’s soul in my pocket, but given my understanding of kolim and lifeforce, at the very least it was a potent energy source.

  But, that didn’t feel right. There was no guarantee that Lady Emma would end the same way. She had implied otherwise, but I had no way of knowing for sure. The, event, that had occurred with Eninald might only be possible between a male and female. Requiring, uh, the particular logistics of that coupling. I shuddered at the half memories there, but pushed past them with now practiced ease. Also, there was the fact that I had never had an interest in that before, which would be a notable barrier for her to cross. And while breaking my barriers and pushing me from where I was comfortable was part of an outsider's method, it felt like too much of a gamble right now. Further, that didn’t explain the rest of her actions.

  Which left her making sure no one could hurt me. But that didn’t fully track either. There were no assailants here. There was no looming threat. In fact, I had been doing perfectly well until I had been…

  “Finally,” she said. It sounded a bit condescending on the surface, but there was an undercurrent of pride beneath it.

  “You were trying to distract me?” I asked.

  “Self-loathing is not a helpful trait. It distracts you from potential threats and observations you’d normally make.”

  Keeping me safe so that people couldn’t hurt me, included keeping me safe from myself.

  “You will eventually need to come to terms with the fact that you have killed people. That you will kill people on this journey. Even if you keep strictly to self-defense, there will be times, like today, where you will be required to kill. And the only way that happens is through exposure, which given your squeamishness, requires time.”

  Anger. Lust. All had been distractions. Or?

  I got the impression of a sigh. “Yes, had you taken Lady Emma to your room it is very likely that what happened with Eninald happened again. Which would have been further exposure. Help cure you of aversion.”

  I pinched my nose and sighed. There was so much to contemplate there. That ‘likely’ gave the implication that having relations with someone wouldn’t kill them. Or maybe that was just a ruse to get me to trust her. But what I really found troubling was that I could not only understand her logic, but also respect it. More exposure would certainly help desensitize me to the affair.

  No. Not respect it. Appreciate it. It was almost caring. In a very twisted way, but caring. I still had many questions and couldn’t help but wonder if this was all part of some deeper ploy, but she had been trying to help.

  I wasn’t sure what to make of that. The intentions were good even if the actions were questionable. Did I thank her? Chastise her?

  I sighed aloud and gently took Faith’s hand from my back. They gave me a questioning look and I responded with, what I hoped, was a comforting smile. I wasn’t perfect, but I would function.

  “Thank you,” I said to Faith as much as Rin.

  “Of course,” Faith said.

  Rin didn’t respond, but I hadn’t expected her to. I looked at the seventh course. A small, brown square I could probably eat in a single bite. To my left, Lady Katherine was speaking a question, but I wasn’t paying attention to her words. Most of the other squares had small corners missing with grooves from the cutlery. Careful to use the same fork Faith was, I reached forward to take a small bite. Once this course was done, I could leave and go back to my rooms. I took the fork and stuck into the brown square, separating a small corner like everyone else had.

  I paused mid-scoop. There was something here. Missing. The missing bits of the square was connecting to something. I blinked, and played my conversation backwards. What was it Rin had said? That self-loathing distracted me? Makes me miss things that…

  Oh no, what had I missed?

  I continued backwards, going further through my evening. Dinner had been simple enough. Outside of Lady Emma’s coquetry it hadn’t been…

  I glanced at the wine glasses again. They were full, but I didn’t recall the servants coming by. Or at least actively remember. I was passively aware of them, but my focus had been on the conversation and the food, not the people. But, in the annals of my memories, if I tried, I could see their faces. Every single one of the people waiting on the tables.

  But I had never seen Sarah’s. Which was odd and would’ve required some dedicated practice and motion on her part. Merciless spiders.

  “Excuse me,” I said standing up. “I’m afraid I’m not feeling quite well.”

  The ladies gave me sympathetic glances, but Faith’s look was far more calculating.

  “Let me help you,” they said, standing next to me.

  “Many thanks,” I said, letting them take me by the arm.

  Once we were away from the table. I quickly whispered to her. “I just realized I had never seen my maid’s face. Struck me as a bit odd.”

  “Maid?” Faith asked. “You had a maid?”

  “To help me get dressed,” I said. A pause where the question finally registered. “And let me guess, you didn’t?”

  They nodded and we started walking even quicker. Through the crowd, up the stairs, and down the hall back to my room. We paused at the door, each of us pooling energy for easy use. Then, with a nod, she opened the door and burst into the room.

  My items were everywhere. Kimono stretched across the floor. My family’s writings laid out on the bed. My kaiken and sheath separated, but laid side by side. This wasn’t haphazard, but rather a methodical accounting of the items and search. Sarah, the maid, stood next to the bed looking through the items one by one. But her hair was a brownish red, not the black I remembered. Then, I spotted the wig next to her.

  “Ah,” she said, her voice familiar. It wasn’t Sarah’s voice, if it ever truly had been.

  “Revayne?” I asked incredulously.

  She stood and smiled, “I was wondering if you were going to figure it out before dinner ended. Come in, we have much to discuss.”