-“ There is no place in the army for someone who doesn’t have a level head or can’t maintain their composure.” Subedar Rathore’s voice cut through as cold as the Siachen glacier. “ A soldier who cannot keep his composure or can’t think with cool head is a dead man. Woman in your case.
“ Miss Saha, LOOK AT ME WHEN I AM TALKING! you have two options in front of you. Either you quickly learn to keep your calm, swallow your pride, which it seems you have an abundance of, or book the next train ticket home, do not waste our time and resources.
“ I suppose you prefer the latter?”
My eyes widened at the notion of leaving, “ No sir.” I said.
-“ What did you say Saha? I didn’t hear you.”
-“ No sir.”
-“ Louder”
-“ NO SIR.”
-“ The army operates in harshest of conditions, where only way to survive is to think before you act and think quickly enough before a terrorist puts a bullet through your head. Only fools underestimate their enemies, and the army tolerates no fools.
“ Teamwork and calm composure are two things most important in the army. The quicker you learn that, the better it is for you. We are giving you another month’s time. If you fail to meet our expectations, you are leaving the training centre. Do you understand?”
-“ Yes sir.”
-“ Louder. Sasural nahi hai tumhara.” [ it’s not your in-laws house]
-“ YES SIR.”
-“ If you underestimate your enemy and lose your calm, act on your anger or emotions, you are a -?
-“ Dead woman sir.”
-“ Where is your voice?”
-“ A DEAD WOMAN Sir.”
-“ Hmm. Keep that in mind. Now go.” He gave a dismissive wave, “ and make sure these sort of summons are not a regular thing for you.”
* * * * *
Cringggg cringggg cringgggg……………
Why is it that when you crave to talk to someone, that person takes all the time in the world to pick up the call?
The person in question is my Mom. My dearest, sweet, loving mom. Who can’t pick up the damn call!!!!!
When I had given up all the hope that my phone call will be picked, Mom finally received the call on the last ring. Even though the phone rang for only 30 seconds, I don’t know why it felt like I had been waiting on the line for ages.
-“ Hello!”
-“ Maa.”
-“ Beta! How are you beta?” Her voice picked up a sudden excitement realising it’s her daughter.
-“ I don’t know Maa, I feel extremely frustrated today.” I said. I know that saying such a thing will worry her. I felt guilty for making my Hypertension patient mom worried. But I really needed to talk to someone. The humiliation that I had faced today was chewing at my brain.
Or, was it really humiliation? Maybe not. It was a lesson. A very very bitter lesson. A lesson I had learned because of my own overconfidence. My own lack of foresight. A scolding I have received because of my own loss of composure. As I told Mom, and eventually both Mom and Dad about the day’s event one by one, slowly, I felt much more relaxed.
-“ Tui to chintay fele dili re maa, byatha peyechis?’’ Baba said, concerned. ( you are making us worried. Are you hurt?)
-“ Na Baba, I am fine.”
-“ Oto bhenge porish na, aktai to match herechis. Ar baki 5 te je jitli?” Mom said. ( don’t be so glum. You only lost one match. Think about the rest 5 you won) “ Cheer up!”
I smiled. “ Na Maa, match hara ba jeta ta main factor noy. Jodio primarily hoyto setai amar mushre porar karon chilo. TO er boka tao prothome hojom korte parini. Bhison frustrated lagchilo. Tomader sathe kotha bole nijeke besh halka lagche.
“ Sotti kotha bolte ki jano Maa, akhon mone hochhe har ta hoyto amar Naseeb chilo. Ota akta lesson chilo. A lesson I desperately needed. Boddo ohonkari hoye jacchilam bodhoy. Tai bhaloi holo ohongkar ta churmar hoye giye.
“ Akhon ar oto kharap lagche na. Tomra chinta koro na amake niye. Ami samle nebo. Rate ki baniyecho go?” ( no maa, winning or losing the match is not the main factor. Though maybe it was the primary reason for my glumness. TO’s scolding was also not easy to digest. I was very frustrated. But now after talking with you is making me feel much lighter. Honestly, you know what, maybe losing this match was a fate. It was a lesson. A lesson I so desperately needed. I was getting too proud. It is for good that my pride was broken to pieces. I don’t feel so bad anymore. Don’t worry about me. I will handle myself. Now tell me what have you made for dinner?)
-“ Rooti and Alur Choka. Tui kheyechis?”(Have you eaten)
-“ No going to eat only. Bye.”
-“ Bye”
I put down the receiver of the centre’s landline, and turned around. My eyes met with the last person whom I wanted to face at the moment.
Rafique.
And he had the nerve to give me an amiable smile. Urgh!
I hastily smiled back, averted my eyes and started to walk towards the dining room.
-“ Hey! Wait!” Rafique called after me. As much as I wanted to sprint out of there and never face this person who had beat me up badly, ever again, I would seem cowardly to do so. So I turned around, “ Yes? What do you want?” I found myself snapping.
Miss Saha, that was veeeerrryyy rude. I had not meant it to come out so harsh. But ’guess the memory of myself sprawled on ground was blocking the slightest of etiquettes I have inside me.
-“ Nothing serious really.” Rafique seemed taken aback. Oh god, why am I so rude?
“ Can you wait a few moments?” he said hesitantly. “ I wanted to talk to you for a bit. If you are okay with it of course.”
I spared a little smile and nodded. He wants to talk. About what? Must be about how easily he had defeated me today.
I started to chew my lips. My hand reached up to flick my ponytail, only to find it missing. Uff!!! I forgot again that my hair is now as short as any regular boy, thanks to the training discipline requirement. At the moment telling myself that at least they didn’t shave me bald! wasn’t going to help.
Rafique was dialling a call, probably to his parents, while I stood at a side awkwardly dreading the humiliation and mockery that is going to follow.
Him defeating me wasn’t even the worst part, it was that I had jumped up a moment later and tried to fight him again, punching his nose hard while he was not ready at all, even if Ustadji had already blown the whistle in Rafique’s favour. Maybe he was also going to blame me for being such an unsport.
“Hey! Sorry to keep you waiting.”
I jolted up from my chaos of thoughts, forced a smile, and shook my head, “That’s okay.” And anticipated his next words.
“I heard Subedar Sahab had summoned you?”
Here comes the mockery.
“What did he say?”
Yeah, that’s exactly what I would love to talk about to you!
“How does that concern you?” I said.
“N-no, I – I mean it doesn’t…”
He stuttered.
Oh, how I love to see people stutter. Especially this guy.
“Do you have anything more to say? Or should I head for dinner?” though I did not have any right to be so stern with him after he had kicked my ass, and his stuttering was a marvellous sight, the interaction was irritating me.
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“Urm….. I just wanted to say… ah… umm…. You fight really well.”
What?
“ If you just want to sprinkle salt on my wound, I suggest be quick with it.”
“ No.. no.. I… no I am serious, you really do fight well.”
“Look, I have already had enough for a day. So you can drop the act and call me whatever you like, weak, dumb, useless, snicker at me all you like, and be done with it.” I snapped. How dare he? “You fight really well.” My foot!
Rafique frowned, “ Why are you getting so upset? I am really complementing your combat skills. Why would I be mocking you?”
Now it was my turn to frown, and frown deep.“Wait what?” I could not believe my ears. That is the last thing I expected to hear from him. “But why?”
“What do you mean why? You took down five guys in no time, and three of them double your size. What else is a sign of good fighting skills?” He said, still donning a confused frown.
“So for confirmation, Mere maaje lene nahi aye ho?[ not here to mock me?]
“ Why would I mock you?”
“Why not? I made a complete fool out of myself.”
“Nooo . . . yeah well, I do not certainly appreciate that last punch on the nose after Ustadji had blown his whistle, but just losing one match out of 6 is not making a fool of yourself.”
I blinked hard in confusion. Is it real? “But you kicked my ass. Won’t even take a brag for it?”
“You had fought five matches before, clearly you were exhausted. I did not need to be Bruce Lee to unfoot you. And to be honest, that knee kick? that nearly knocked out my breath, were you planning to break my sternum?”
Now I found my lips moving towards a smile, then that smile widened and spread into a grin. “ Believe me, if I wanted to break your sternum, I would have.”
And at that, we both burst out laughing.
This Rafique guy is cool!
“Anyway what language were you speaking back there?” he asked after we were done laughing. “Not that I was trying to eavesdrop, just it sounded oddly familiar, but yet very different.”
I smiled, “Of course it sounded familiar to you, that was Bengali, it has many similar words with Hindi, just there is much difference with the pronunciation.”
“You are Bengali?” he asked, a little baffled, “You are from West Bengal?”
“Yeah, why are you so shocked?” I asked, confused. What’s different about being a Bengali?
“No, not shocked, just Bengalis are not really that common in army.”
“Really? Maybe because an ideal career for most of us Lyadkhor Bangali people is a easy 9 to 5 job.” I laughed.
“Lya- what?”
I laughed, “Ah, nevermind. Bengali thing. Anyway how do you know that Bengalis are rare in army?”
“I belong from an army family.”
“Oh! I didn’t know that.” I said.
“I never told you.” He said non-chalantly.
I chuckled. “Point”
“I am hungry, I think I should head for canteen.” I said after a pause, and turned around to leave. An odd sort of satisfaction had filled my heart. A few minutes ago, the person, whose existence was infuriating and frustrating to me, that very person now seemed like one of the nicest men I had ever met. At that moment, I silently realised something: the army is not only about learning how to fire a gun or kill an insurgent. It teaches things way beyond. Just like at the moment I learned how humility can take a person much farther than simply sitting and being proud. And how we can find kindness at most unexpected places.
“I am hungry too.” Rafique said, “Let’s go.” And honestly? I didn’t mind he tagged along.
“By the way, you are an amazing fighter too.” I said as we walked, “And sorry for that punch. Is your nose okay?”
“Thanks. It’s alright. But the punch was very strong. Do you always react that way when you lose? Or am I special?”
“Ah, don’t flatter yourself.” I said. In reality, I myself was not sure why I reacted like that. “Not a fan of losing. And everybody was laughing, that irked me maybe.”
* * * * *
[ Third person pov ]
When Tanisha entered the room, Rubeena was sitting with her knees to her chest.
Tanisha went about her business, going to the bathroom, brushing her teeth, washing her face and changing into night clothes. When she came out of the bathroom, Rubeena was sitting in the same way. Staring blankly into the opposite wall. Yet Tanisha paid her no heed.
She circled the room, and flopped on the bed beside Rabeena, babbling about this and that.
After a whole minute of continuous talking non-sense, Tanisha noticed it.
Her odd posture, stoic face, and glazed vision. Tanisha, who considers herself a very loud person, had been speaking continuously. But Rubeena had not heard a single word.
“Rubeena?” Tanisha called. “Rubeena? Are you okay?”
No answer.
“Rubeena! Are you having cramps?” Tanisha asked, concern etching over her face. Still not a word.
Confused and worried, Tanisha stood up, “I will go see if I can find some hot water to ease the pain.”
“Mujhe ghar wapas nahi jaana.” Rubeena croaked out, just as Tanisha was about to open the door.[I don’t want to go back home.]
“What?”
“Mujhe ghar wapas nahi jaana.” Rubeena repeated.
“Kya ghar wapas jaana? kya bol rahi hai?” Tanisha was hella confused.
“mujhe ghar wapas nahi jaana! Nahi jaana! Nahi jaana!” she started to wail, then broke down into heavy sobs, muttering the same sentence over and over.
Tanisha could not understand anything that was going on. But she understood one thing : Rubeena was not okay. Trying to understand what was going on would not do much good. So Tanisha put her confusion aside for the moment, and slowly sat beside Rubeena, putting one hand across her shoulder, and using the other to rub her arm to sooth her. Tanisha did not try to stop Rubeena from crying. For she looked like she needed it, she needed to let it out.
So she sat there, trying to comfort Rubeena, as she sobbed her heart out.
After about 20 minutes, her sobs died down slowly. Rubeena looked at Tanisha with a tear-streaked face, still hiccupping, “ Rathore Sir told me, if I can not get my game straight within a week, he will send me back home. And if I faint one more time, he would immediately do so.”
“But you have not fainted in last 2 week.” Tanisha frowned.
“He must have noticed me panting and clutching my abdomen.” She said with another hiccup. “I don’t want to go back home Nyssa, I can’t.”
Tanisha could see the point in not wanting to go back home. She herself would not appreciate being sent back, because she was not good enough. It would be extremely humiliating. But the way Rubeena said it, held something else, something deeper, darker even. But as much as curiosity was overwhelming her, Tanisha did not ask her any further. If Rabeena wants to talk, she will eventually.
“I come from an extremely conservative society, and an even more conservative father. The kind where women are just a piece of property, whose only job is to produce children, and do household chores.” Rubeena spoke after a long silence. “I ran away from home you know.”
Her each sentence was a shocking revelation to Tanisha. She was impatient to know more. Rabeena’s long pause was killing her.
“I have a brother and a sister ahead of me. My Didi was married off at the age of 15. She had her son when she was 16. Her husband is a drunkard. He hits her. I do not want to end up like Didi.
“God gifted me a sharp brain. I used to excel at school. My father hated that. Said, none will marry an educated girl. He did everything possible to distract me. Even started to look for prospective grooms when I was in class 10th. Is marriage the only thing that matters in my life?”
Tanisha did not know what to say. This was the horrible truth many girls still face in this country. What wrecked Tanisha’s heart even more that, the girl she has been living with for the past couple of months had faced that horrible life, yet she did not get a single hint about it till now.
“My 10th results were marvellous, much to my father’s displeasure, and my delight.” Rubeena’s lips quivered into a thin smile, laden with a mock humour. “I fought with Father, and took science in the higher secondary. I think I was the first girl to do so in my village. The whole village despised me, people kept their daughter’s away. My only escape was school, and the teachers my only friends. And my brother. He is my support system you know.” She paused again for a bit, as if appreciating the role of her teachers and brother.
“And then, on the day my 12th boards ended, Father announced that he had fixed my marriage. And do you know who was the groom? A total spoiled, drunkard guy, who was rumoured to had molested his own cousin sister. His only qualification? 8th pass, and son of a well-off brahmin.” She spat.
“Then? What happened next?” At this point Tanisha could not control her curiosity.
“I ran away.”
“what… how? Where did you go?”
Rubeena’s eyes glazed over in some distant thought.
#FLASHBACK#
“Beena, are you sure? What will you do there alone?"
“What choice do I have Bhaiya?”
“Beena, please, think again.”
“Bhaiya, kya aap chahte ho main uss harami se shaadi karlu? Jee te jee mar jaungi bhaiya. Jaise maa mar gayi. Didi bhi kuch khas jinda nahi hai.” [Bhaiya, do you want me to marry that fool? I will become living dead. Just like mom is. Neither Didi is much alive.]
“Lekin anjan saher mein tujhe kuch ho gaya toh?” [but what if something bad happens in the unknown city?]
“Hoga to hoga. Who ek possibility hai Bhaiya, lekin yeh saadi meri ho gayi, toh confirm mai maar jaungi. Sayad mera sarir chalta firta ghumta rahe, par who meri lash hogi. [if it will, it will. That is a possibility bhaiya, But if I go on with this marriage, it's confirmed that I will die. Maybe, my body will be working and going around, but that would simply be my lifeless corpse.]
“Bhaiya, mujhe aur band nahi rehna iss pinjre mein. Mujhe udna hai bhaiya, mujhe khulke jeena hai. Mere pinjre ki chabi aapke haath me hai. Aj mujhe chordo, to mai azad ho jaungi.” [Bhaiya, I don't want to live in this cage anymore. I want to fly Bhaiya, I want to live. The key to my cage is in your hands, if you let me go today, I will be free.]
The young man of 22, small of frame but humungous of heart nodded. “Tujhe azad dekhna chahta hu, isiliye to le aya hu aaj. Didi ko to main Bacha nahi paya, par meri pyaari behna ko mein akhon ke samne mar ke jeete nahi dekh sakta.” [ Want to see you free, that's why I have brought you here. I could not save Didi, but I can't bear to watch my dearest sister die inside.]
He paused for a bit, searching in the eyes of his little sister, who has matured greatly in just two weeks. The girl who used cry when just stung by an ant, now sported a rock hard determination in her eyes. “Waise tu jayegi kaha?” [anyway, where will you go]
“Nahi pata bhaiya.” [I don't know, Bhaiya.]
“Par Mujhe kaise pata chalega ki tu thik hai ki nahi?” [But how will I know if you are okay?]
His sister looked away, maybe trying hide the fear she holds in her heart, “Bhaiya, ab mujhe jaana padega. Bus mere liye rukne nahi waali.” I need to go now, the bus will not wait for me.]
She climbed the bus with a heart aching with fear of uncertainty, but blazing with hope. But before stepping fully into the Bus, she turned around, one last time. “Bhaiya, aj jo main jar rahi hun, wapas tab hi ayungi jab apne pairon pe khari ho jaungi. Aur Agar ek mahine ke andar maine koi chitthi na bheji, to mujhe dhunte huye mat aana. Bas inta yaad rakhna, ki aapne mujhe jeene ka rasta diya tha, magar apki Chiriya udd na saki.” [Bhaiya, I am going today, and I will only return when i stand on my own feet, And if I do not send a letter within a month, take it as that you gave me a chance to be free, but your little bird could not fly]
#FLASHBACK END#
Rubeena let out a small chuckle, “Long story. Now thinking back at it, it was quite the plan. You know, father was very eager to get on with the marriage before my results came out. The date was fixed, there has been an engagement kind of thing, the groom’s side gave me a ring and all that. One day Maa and papaji went to the neighbouring village to invite some relatives. It was just me and Bhaiya at home. He secretly took me to another nearby village. I borrowed 3 thousand rupees from him, took all my documents, and took a bus to Lucknow.”
“Alone?”
“Who will come with me? I sold that ring, collected some good money, and then started to find a job. The most suitable one was to take care of an elderly lady. It was an 24 hours job, they provided me a roof to live under, and 3 meals a day to eat. The wage was not bad either.
“The Moushi, whom I had to take care of was very supporting. She aided me to enroll in a college for graduation.
“It’s funny how a complete stranger, who had nothing to do with me can care more than my own father could.”
Tanisha nodded gravely. “One can find kindness in most unexpected of places.” She reflected, “But how did you end up here?”
“Quite an odd story really. I was returning from the market when some roadside romeos caught my hand. Was really in a bad mood. So instead of screaming for help, I smashed one’s head with a broken brick laying around. Then went to the police station. Some army officer was present there, he asked me to run the rally.”
“Didn’t your parents search for you?”
“They did. Police even came to the house I was working at. But I did not budge. And Moushi told them off.
“I promised bhaiya I will only go back home after I get a job, otherwise never”
Tanisha closed her open mouth long after, “And you keep on going that I am good at stuff. But Girl, you are fire. A blazing fire.”
The two girls sat in silence for a long time. The two of them hail from two complete opposite background. Yet at the moment, they were working towards the same goal. Maybe the motivation was completely different. One was here to survive, the other to gain identity. But there was not a hint of jealousy. From this moment onwards, the bond between them was stronger than ever. As if an unspoken pact to have each other’s back was sealed.
After a long time Tanisha spoke, “If you don’t mind me asking, what did your parent’s call you?”
Rubeena frowned, “Beena. Why ?”
“Hmm, that is the name from a past that made you suffer. So from Today, forget it all, and Come forth anew. From now on I will call you Ruby.”
Rubeena frowned, “So I am a stone now?”
“Not just any stone. A gemstone. For you are extremely precious, just need a few calculated cuts and polishing to shine as bright as the stars.”