CHAPTER 35

  MELTING ICELAND

  The day we docked in Iceland, we had planned to go ashore and visit Reykjavik. Reykjavik was the first settlement in Iceland and was also the capital. We planned on taking a charter tour to see the sights that day. The air was brisk, but the temperature was mild in the fifties. Jonas joined Mimi and me on the charter. The Sissoffs went off on their own for the day.

  During the course of the day, Jonas made no mention of the last evening’s discussion. I, of course, could think of nothing else but Edik’s comments and my dream. I asked Jonas what he thought about what Edik had said.

  Jonas said, “What did he say?”

  I couldn’t believe he didn’t know. After explaining myself Jonas smiled, “Jack, do not let that paranoid communist gets under your skin. You and I just see things differently than they do. They say we need to better understand to their beliefs and yet they have no empathy for the world outside the walls they have built around themselves.”

  It dawned on me that this was exactly what I was doing. My problem with what Edik had said was it was stirring up questions about my own beliefs. I was questioning whether any physical proof would actually mean something to me. I realized it was not the physical proof that made me believe.

  So, what was finding it actually going to do? I was confused. For the time being, I was holding on to the fact that it was the evidence I needed to secure myself in what I had believed.

  That evening, the boat set out for Greenland as our next stop. At dinner, the Sissoffs sat at another table, and we were joined this time by some of the graduates heading for Greenland to do field studies. The conversation was more optimistic than the night before. The students were filled with joy, conviction, and optimism. It was reassuring to me.

  I did not say a word about my own quest and what we had really been in Europe for. I noticed Mimi seemed to be enjoying the trip more because of it. There was this intense pressure, and I could not wait for us to get home. I was beginning to really look forward to getting a fresh start now. I wanted to put all of this behind me.

  The nightmares only intensified what I was feeling. Things were so unclear to I was now fighting to clear everything out of my mind. I was scared of what lied ahead. I was unsure of where we were really going. What would be there when we got home? I was also unsure of what I believed. I had come so far on this journey but still had nothing to show for it.”

  Grandpa Jack paused his reading. He looked out over the farm from the porch of the house. The summer winds blowing hot, taking him out of the present.

  “Let’s stop here,” he said. “We’ll continue again tomorrow. Why don’t you two run in and see if your grandma needs any help before supper?”

  I let my stomach get the best of me and ran into the house to see what Grandma had for me to snack on. I’d later wish I had stayed and listened.

  Later that night, Darby told me what she and Grandpa talked about when I left to fill my stomach. Always the wrong motives at the wrong time.

  Darby told me she stayed because she couldn’t move. She just sat there staring at the cover. She said Grandpa Jack wasn’t sure why she stayed so he asked, “Is there something you have a question about?”

  It is funny to note that both Darby and I recognized that Grandpa would never say our names to us. It was like he still couldn’t bring himself to say our names out loud.

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  Darby admitted that she was afraid to ask, but more afraid not to and have the moment pass. She finally mustered up, “There is something that scared me.”

  Now, I know Grandpa Jack well after all these years. There was nothing scarier to him than a question like that. With all of his travels and life experiences, he missed out on plenty of opportunities to learn how to handle questions from children. He had no idea what kids like me or Darby or dad when he was our age scared us.

  He asked her, “What scared you?”

  I imagine the fear that was probably coming out of him at that moment. Yet, he did it afraid. Darby said he continued and said, “It’s okay. You can tell me.” The words today still give me goose pimples because for Darby and me, we had lived nearly a year when no one ever listened and offered us an ear.

  He then placed his hand on her back, and Darby said the words just seemed to flow from inside out of her. “That dream, you talked about, you know the one on the boat where the people are drowning?”

  “Yes, what about it?” he asked.

  “I had that same dream.”

  She looked right at him as she said. She needed to see his reaction. She wanted to make sure he was actually listening to her. She said his eyes told her he was hearing her.

  “What about it was the same?” he asked.

  “It was me on this boat, and I was alone. I have never really been on a boat before. So, I didn’t know what it felt like. In the water, while I look over the edge of the boat, are my parents, my brother, Aunt Jane, and a bunch of other people. And just like you said, I couldn’t move. They need me to move, and I cannot do a thing. I am frozen with fear. I am scared that they are dying, but I do nothing to stop it. Then they begin to fade away into the water until they are finally no longer there. Then the dream is over. There is no light in my dream. There is no light on me. But I know they know that I am there. They do not call out, but they see me as much as I see them. It’s a horrible dream.”

  Grandpa Jack had to be shocked to hear that she had had such a similar dream.

  Darby continued before he could say a thing, “I just wish that I would jump off the boat myself and go with them. I wish we could all be together. If I could just get my strength, I could jump off the edge of that boat into the water and be with them. I just wish I could be with them. I do. I miss them. But I am too scared. So, in my dream, I never do a thing.”

  Darby said she began to cry but quickly stopped, realizing she was crying in front of her grandpa, so she forced herself to stop.

  I know Darby hated to show such weakness, especially in front of someone she seemingly didn’t trust. She was surprised by her weakness in front of him.

  The experience was very likely just as awkward for Grandpa Jack as he likely didn’t know how to handle these girl things. Grandma told us later that the shared dream scared Jack just as much. She’d say, “Imagine, sharing such a similar fear with someone you didn’t know and then realizing that the truth is you are actually connected to that person through blood and family. Oh, how that had scared Jack,” she said with a smile. For her, this fear of connection Jack shared showed a moment in him that she had not seen from him in the longest time. She said she and Fitch could never imagine that such progress would come in such a short time during our visit. Sometimes the thoughts scared him, and now he is wondering if those thoughts are ones his granddaughter shares. The moment crushed Jack in that moment and he admitted to Mimi that he could not have imagined how much Darby must have been through thinking these things.

  That admission from Grandma Mimi would hang around with me for years later. I know it also knows Darby held onto that for years after.

  Darby continued, “I am the strong one, Grandpa. Sometimes I just want to be the one who breaks down and lets Darius pick up where I leave off.”

  Grandpa consoled her, “You know, Darius is a pretty strong kid himself. He has gone through all the same stuff you have, and he is still here. You both are. You are both much stronger than I ever was.”

  He ended with, “I am also proud of how the two of you have turned out. Your dad was just as proud.”

  Darby and I were shocked that he mentioned Dad.

  And, just like that, Grandma Mimi came out, “Jack, I need you to run and get me some sugar. I can’t believe I am out. I guess with all the jams, I used up everything I had. Can you go get some for me? I need some for dinner.”

  Darby said he got up quickly. “Sure thing.” He handed the journal over to Darby and walked down the porch steps, searching for his keys in his pocket.

  Just like that, he was off in the old truck down the road. He does not look back. Grandma Mimi had no idea what had just happened between the two of them. She was, however, very aware of the fact that Jack felt comfortable enough to hand his journal over to Darby for safekeeping.