Stupid dragged me by the sleeve past several very loud, very flammable-looking aisles, chatting the whole time in the high-pitched enthusiasm of someone who had no idea what health violations were.

  “We start weef Safety Training!” she announced proudly.

  She sounded like she took it so seriously, I could hear the capital letters.

  I glanced at the room she’d led me into.

  It looked like someone had tried to cross a boiler room with a playground and then gave up halfway. Things sparked. Something hissed. A sock slithered away behind a pipe.

  I flinched.

  “That’s… not a safety room.”

  Stupid gasped, offended. “Eez training room. Very different!”

  Something exploded behind me.

  She proceeded to pat my arm. “Training room where we learn about Safety!” She nodded vigorously, ears flopping wildly.

  “And Safety room is where we do the Safety,” she finished seriously.

  What.

  “So what is in the Safety room?” I humored her.

  She looked at me with her big, round eyes; glistening with admiration. “In the Safety Room, we has the Safe! Only Boss goes in the Safety Room.”

  I blinked.

  I blinked again.

  Stupid held up a tiny finger, a spark fluttering off of it and distracting her for a second.

  “First rule of Safety Training” she straightened up and spoke as one reciting a pledge:

  “Rule number one. If eet makes money for the Safe, eet eez good. If eet does not, eet eez very Unsafe!”

  What in the nine blasted hells have I gotten myself into.

  “Stupid?” I asked weakly.

  Stupid dropped her salute and nodded at me, throwing herself off balance when her ears flopped too quickly for her to adjust.

  “What about…being careful? And protection?

  …And not getting hurt?”

  Stupid the goblin looked at me like I was stupid.

  “If eet makes money, eet is safe” she answered. “Stupid just said this?”

  She sounded so confused.

  I felt so offended.

  So I gave up.

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  “Ok. OK! ok….”

  I could feel my breathing quickening.

  “I…ok…just…..ok”.

  Stupid was beaming as she watched me. “Isn’t eet wonderful! We are all about Safety here!”

  I’m ashamed to admit a small sob escaped my lips.

  ——-

  I was too tired to fight her logic anymore. My brain had folded in on itself sometime between the sock slithering behind the boiler and the phrase “very Unsafe.”

  “Do I… need to sign something?” I asked, weakly.

  She gasped again, scandalized. “NO! Paperwork is Unsafe! Boss calls it a something hazard! A Lying Billy Hazard!”

  “Liability?” I croaked softly.

  “Beeg Ugly so smart!” She gasped.

  She was so happy, I was pretty sure her face was casting light.

  No seriously, literally shining.

  Like magic.

  … or madness.

  I shrugged and nodded numbly.

  Something above us crackled. I didn’t look.

  Instead, she grabbed my hand—again—and yanked me back into the store. We passed a stack of what looked like enchanted toasters (one growled at me), a display of candles that were also knives, and a rack of robes that whispered things I definitely wasn’t supposed to hear.

  Or maybe was supposed to hear.

  At one point, a jar tried to sell me insurance.

  “I thought this was training?” I exclaimed in exasperation.

  “Eet eez!” she chirped, her ears knocking a bottle off a shelf. “We don’t buy anything from zeee jar! Very unsafe!”

  “Unsafe” I mumbled.

  The store lights flickered overhead in a rhythm I didn’t like. A soft, distant hum pulsed through the walls, like the whole building was breathing.

  “Stupid,” I whispered. “Is this place… alive?”

  She looked at me with a grin that was all teeth and pride.

  I found it was a grin that did not make me feel better.

  “Of course Beeg Ugly! Would be very Unsafe otherwise.”

  I opened my mouth to argue.

  And then a bell rang.

  The whole building seemed to inhale in anticipation.

  Stupid gasped again, ears flaring. “Night comes. We must go!”

  She pulled my hand. “Come, come, come, must get to Boss! We must leave before night!”

  ——

  I stood dejectedly before Clipboard Tyrant. He had already sent It and Stupid away, and was now staring down his nose at me.

  Which was impressive, considering he was two feet shorter than me.

  He was either about to fire me or promote me. Hard to tell with that clipboard.

  “Good work today” he began, squinting at my name tag. “Beeg Ugly…” he muttered, looking me slowly up and down.

  “Fits” he said, shrugging.

  I was morbidly offended, but before I could say anything, he flicked a coin my way.

  I reached out and grabbed it on reflex, glancing down with disbelief.

  “Are you joking right now?” I croaked.

  It was a gold coin. The pay in the human quarter had been half that.

  And I couldn’t even land one of those jobs.

  Clipboard Tyrant winked at me.

  “Remember our motto” he said cheerfully, pointing to a sign I was sure hadn’t been there earlier.

  “Safety first.”

  And he shoved me out the door.

  ———

  I stared at the sign hanging above the store a moment longer.

  The irony was not lost on me. When I had people I cared about, I couldn’t make enough to take care of them.

  Now I had all I needed, but no one to take care of.