I had somehow found my room after many false attempts; the alcohol was hitting me hard because of the pain medicine Poppy had given me for the beating I had taken. Finally, standing in front of my door I waited for it to slide open only to find that it was already occupied: Poppy sat on my bed, sad smile plastered over her face.
I said nothing as I knocked my shoes off and half stumbled, half fell onto the bed next to her.
I closed my eyes and allowed the soft mattress to take away some of my aches and pains.
“How do you get over it?”
“Get over what?” she asked, her voice sounding far away.
“Get over their faces, the images that won’t just go away. No matter what I do, I keep seeing their bloody battered faces. They won’t leave me alone. Whenever I think I’m about to have a good night’s sleep they appear again, just staring, not saying anything. Always just staring.”
Poppy pulled herself up beside me and lifted my head till it rested in her lap. She stroked my hair while tears ran down my cheeks.
I allowed the words to pour from my soul, as I closed my eyes against the flow of tears.
“And the craziest thing is, that isn’t the worst thing that happened to me that day; I also found out my wife has been sleeping with my boss for years and the two kids I raised as my own aren’t mine but his. My entire life has been one big lie.
“I’ve wasted so many hours, so many opportunities, so many—”
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She kissed me then. Kissed me full on the lips till she stole my breath away. It was the first fragment of peace I had felt in a long time. I can’t remember how long we stayed like that, but it was long enough for the voices to quieten down and go away. Long enough for my tears to dry away.
Long enough for me to feel like the person I had been ten years ago.
She parted from me and hovered above my face; her dark hair cascaded around us creating a little protective shield for our faces to hide under.
“Some faces you forget, some faces you remember, some you regret, others you take great joy in knowing they are no longer alive and the universe is a better place without them.
“I wish I could make it go away, I wish I could stop the pain, but it’s just something you must learn to deal with, something that time will partially heal but mostly won’t.
“After a while, it will just become part of you. The only advice I can give you is to never enjoy it.
“Never enjoy the kill. Let it be what it is, but don’t seek it out. Otherwise you’ll go mad looking for reasons why you do what you do.”
“Like Willis?” I whispered.
She kissed me on the lips and only smiled; I tried to return the gesture but it felt like my face was straining against an immovable object.
“Does it make me a monster, that part of me won’t miss them?”
“No, it makes you human,” she said, kissing me again.
“My wife and I had stopped loving each other before we got married. The kids… I always tried to connect with them, but they always felt like strangers to me; now I know why. I will never see them again, will I?”
“José isn’t a tyrant; you can come and go as you please when we haven’t got a mission on, but I think it’s for the best you bury the hatchet while you can. Your enemies may use them to get to you; the further you’re away from them the best thing it is for everyone all around.”
I nodded my head at her words and drunk in the beauty that was her eyes; they made my heart skip a beat. She leaned in to kiss me again but I pushed her gently back.
“Why are you doing this?” I asked. “You barely know me.”
“That’s a silly question. How can you explain why your favourite colour is red or why you prefer one flavour of ice-cream over the other? You just do. In this life, time is short, and you learn to act on gut instinct. Now let me see what I can do about those nightmares of yours,” she said, leaning towards me.
