“Hold fast, Prince Heart!” the knight bellowed as he spun the horse around. He threw his free hand up toward the sky and called down a golden beam from the heavens. It bathed the dying prince in its holy light, sealing his wounds and renewing his Vitality.

  I sighed. “Franking paladins…” We were back to four-on-one.

  I wasn’t sure which was Club or Spade, but I grabbed the closest prince by the back of their leather harness and belt, waiting for the knight to charge me again.

  “Unhand me, you wretch!” the prince yelled, his voice cracking halfway through. He tried to slap me but couldn’t reach. I held him in place with ease.

  The hooves of the mighty steed pounded the road as it raced toward me. I had my back toward them, presenting a target he couldn’t resist. My plan was to wait until the last moment and then give the prince exactly what he asked for.

  That moment came, and I spun with his harness and belt firmly in my grasp. His royal highness yelped as I lifted him off the ground and tossed his ass in the way of the mounted knight.

  SirPartyPooper saw exactly what I had tried to do. Abandoning the reins, the golden knight threw out his left hand, casting another spell on the tool of a prince. A silver shell enveloped the prince as the steed smashed into the immovable object.

  While the horse had come to an abrupt stop, SirPartyPooper didn’t. He sailed through the air and slammed into the dirt. His armor clattered as he tumbled, dust bursting up and swallowing him in a choking cloud. Eventually, he rolled to a stop.

  The golden bastard stepped out of the cloud and into the light with his mace in hand. He marched at me, shouting, “Princes, lend me your song!”

  The Prince of Hearts looked up from kneeling over his friend’s corpse and said, “But Prince Diamond is dead.”

  “All the more reason to best this mockery of life. Come now, lad. On your feet. Sing for victory, sing for justice, sing for our fallen!” SirPartyPooper raised his mace at me and charged.

  Prince Heart’s voice broke the air in a trembling note that rose into melody.

  “Remember the fallen, but fight for the living.” He pushed himself upright, eyes blazing, and leveled his gaze at me in defiance as his voice continued. “Their memories our fuel, our strength unforgiving.”

  I hopped back to dodge the first swing of the mace and saw the knight’s chest pulse with a red aura. It was stronger than the faint rainbow aura surrounding him.

  I rushed him, closing the gap before he could swing with a backhand, but my knuckles slipped off his armor with each punch. Whatever the armor was made out of, it wasn’t gold. It was far too durable and slippery.

  Another voice rose behind the Prince of Hearts, low at first, a hum that wove around Heart’s melody like a second thread. Prince Club stepped beside him with squared shoulders, his face growing tight with resolve.

  “Our voices are the tool, to forge the pact.” His tone swelled, fuller now, pressing against Heart’s grief. “Take it to the fool, we’ve got your back.”

  The knight’s weapon ignited with golden flame, his mace glowing like it had just been dunked in the sun.

  That’s when I realized they weren’t squires or princes. They were bards. I was facing off against a goddamn boyband.

  SirPartyPooper shifted to a one-handed stance, trading power for reach. I caught a low strike just below my knee. Something cracked, but I stayed upright. The next two blows I intercepted with my arm. The flames didn’t catch my clothes, but my hand came back charred when I tried to yank the weapon from his hands. Whatever that enchantment was, I didn’t like it.

  The silver shell behind me splintered, sounding like shattering glass. From its shards stepped Prince Spade, his eyes wide and glowing as if lit from within. His voice slipped into the melody, slow and steady, with a haunting tone that crawled under my skin.

  “Back from the brink, we have no fear…” He raised his head, staring straight through me as his voice cut sharper. “We can’t be silenced, your end draws near!”

  Blue light rippled down the knight’s legs, pooling at his boots. SirPartyPooper surged forward, suddenly faster on his feet.

  “I judge you in the name of the Four Houses!” he shouted, then danced the empowered mace up my body with a series of swings. They all connected. One smashed my knee again, the next struck my elbow as I tried to block, and the last caught me across my jaw.

  [Your Intellect has dropped to level 9.]

  I growled and flexed my jaw from side to side.

  “Frank your houses. It’s my turn now.” I lunged at him.

  He slipped my grip and cracked me in the back for my mistake. At least it wasn’t the back of my head.

  They were beating the shit out of me with the power of friendship. But at least I’d taken one of them out before they reached their final form.

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  I had to put an end to those buffs, and fast, or I wasn’t winning this fight.

  Circling back to plan A, I broke away from the melee to take out the bards. SirPartyPooper didn’t take too kindly to that.

  “Come back here, you coward!” he taunted. “Taste my wrath!”

  I shouted, “Kiss my ass!” as I tactically retreated.

  I ran up to Prince Club and socked him in the gut. He couldn’t sing with the breath knocked out of him. The Prince of Clubs folded in half as I pushed his head down farther and locked it between my thighs.

  [Your Grappling skill has increased to level 3.]

  I chuckled at the notification, brought both my arms up, and slammed him between the shoulder blades with a double-fisted smash. With him being grappled, I was free to use all my considerable might.

  He let out a wheezing whimper and went limp. I let him drop, knowing I needed to finish him before the stupid paladin healed him.

  SirPartyPooper’s mace lost its fiery glow. Prince Heart stepped away while still harmonizing as the knight caught up to me and cracked me in the back again. While it wasn’t the powerhouse of a minute ago, it was still a damn mace.

  I bent down and grabbed the prince by his harness and belt. Honestly, it was like they’d designed these outfits with built-in hand grips. I picked him up, wielding him like a living improvised weapon, and swung him at the knight.

  It wasn’t very effective, but damn if it wasn’t fun.

  SirPartyPooper, unwilling to risk smashing his charge by accident, backed off. That gave me time to drop Prince Club on his face, take him by the legs, and twirl him around like a goddamn ballerina.

  I whirlwinded my way over to the Prince of Hearts, trying to hit him, but he kept moving. He dashed for a tree. I followed, but Prince Club caught the trunk of the tree with a brutal thunk.

  [Your Dancing skill has increased to level 1.]

  [You’ve earned: 200 XP.]

  “No!” the Prince of Hearts cried.

  I dropped the dead prince and went for the one behind the tree before the pipsqueak could start singing again. SirPartyPooper was all over me again, bashing the crap out of my spine as I chased the prince around the damn tree.

  Dickhead chimed in, “Frank, you’re at a quarter Vitality.”

  Dammit. That meant I couldn’t wait for him to run out of Mana; I’d run out of Vitality first.

  Out of the corner of my eye, I saw the damndest thing.

  Prince Spade was dancing.

  He wasn’t just shuffling his feet or bobbing along, either. No, he’d lost his damn mind. He was out there giving the performance of his franking life, pointing to an invisible fan, spinning in place, and belting his lines to an equally invisible mic.

  His arms swept wide, his legs kicked high, and for a second I swear he was about to do that stupid boy-band spin-and-kneel routine. He didn’t, but that’s because he was too busy thrusting his hips, flourishing his damn hands, and glancing dramatically over his shoulder. The dumbass poured his little princeling soul into it.

  Which made it all the easier for me to blindside him, putting an end to the show. He didn’t even hear Prince Heart calling to warn him.

  I tackled him mid-spin as our chests collided. Like the music had stopped for him, he finally saw me for the threat I was. He cried out as we landed on his back, and I went for the quick kill.

  “No! Sir Royale, please! Save—”

  His cry for help ended the same as his life: a gurgling mess. I held his hands down as he bled out. I wasn’t taking any more chances with these pricks.

  Apparently, Sir Royale was the name of the golden jackass with the backup singers. He grabbed me by the shoulder, ripping me off the prince’s body. But it was too late to save him.

  [You’ve earned: 200 XP.]

  Sir Royale seethed. “You—you monster.”

  His words weren’t fancy anymore; they were raw. I could finally hear the anguish in his voice.

  I wondered if the System wanted the NPCs to suffer. Why else would it let them feel this much? Unfortunately for Sir Royale, his suffering wasn’t over yet.

  The knight turned his back on me to yell to the prince.

  “Run!”

  “I won’t leave you!” the Prince of Hearts replied with balled fists.

  He tried to sing again but couldn’t push past the grief for his friends. Only mournful sobs escaped his throat.

  The knight planted himself between me and his last charge as he watched me get to my feet.

  “I’ll be right behind you, my prince!” he shouted over his shoulder.

  He adjusted his grip on his mace as he stared me down. That’s when I saw his eyes behind the slit in his helmet. There was flesh underneath all that armor.

  “You and I both know that’s a lie,” I said to him.

  “Maybe.” The golden knight shrugged. “But he doesn’t know that.”

  I thought about rushing past him. I could outrun them both. Eventually. But it didn’t feel right.

  The knight must have heard the prince’s boots as he tore down the road away from us.

  He sighed and muttered, “Thank the Courts…” His shoulders sank in relief before he squared up to me.

  We didn’t exchange any last words. He simply readied his mace and waited. It would’ve been rude to make him wait long, so I didn’t. I tucked my shoulder and charged his shiny metal ass.

  I juked left, diving in on the right. He fell for my feint and couldn’t recover in time without his speed buff. The swing went wide, glancing off my arm as I rammed my shoulder into his breastplate. We tumbled to the ground as I scrambled to find a nook or cranny to pry at his armor. I came up empty.

  He dropped his mace and socked me in the ribs with his gauntlet. I was lucky he didn’t know about—

  [Your Intellect has dropped to level 8.]

  My head snapped back from an armored headbutt. I clinched him in a tight hug, making sure he didn’t have an easy shot at my head. But we were at a stalemate.

  All of my knees and elbows bounced off his damn shiny armor while he repeatedly clapped me on the back. It did little more than make me burp.

  After the third forced belch, I said, “Frank this,” and pulled out my damn sparkler. I grabbed it with a reverse grip and stabbed it into the slit of his helmet.

  Even if all I did was blind him, that might be enough to break the damn stalemate.

  I took a big breath and screamed, “Bipbity-Bopbity-Boo!”

  Sir Royale joined me in screaming a moment later.

  “My eyes!” he cried out.

  His fingers found my mouth, but I kept yelling around them. He forced them farther down my throat, gagging me.

  I stopped to turn and spit the taste out of my mouth. It was soapy and bitter, with a nasty metallic aftertaste.

  I bucked up and held him under me for a proper beatdown. His damn greedy fingers couldn’t reach me up here. I kept the sparkler pressed to his eyes and shouted the incantation again, holding on to that vowel like this fight depended on it.

  “Bipbity-Bopbity-Boo!”

  He squirmed, he struggled, he kicked and screamed. But I sat on his shiny metal chest and booed a goddamn laser through his head.

  [You’ve earned: 1,500 XP.]

  [You’ve unlocked a World-first Achievement! Royale Hunter.]

  [Hidden Quest: Stop the Tour, complete.]

  [New world questline started: A Court of Cards.]

  [A Court of Cards sealed until second expansion.]

  I put my sparkler away and asked, “Dick, what the hell just happened?”