Chapter 1

  "And then I reached behind my back to find the gun I'd taped to my back and said Yippee-ki-yay motherf..."

  "Focus!" Joan's voice immediately cut off my incredibly accurate recap of the events of our previous adventure. "I wanted you to just get it all out of your system so maybe you wouldn't be completely worthless when we're finally able to leave this room... But I'm regretting giving you an inch."

  "Like in that If You Give a Mouse a Cookie book?"

  "You are literally the worst." She groaned and turned away.

  "But that was a literary reference. You love those." My pleading fell on deaf ears. Instead of responding, she left me wallow in the silence I created. Unfortunately, that just meant my mouth felt it needed to fill the silence. "Did you know they made a bunch of other books like If You Gave a Moose a Muffin, If You Give a Cat a Cupcake, If You Give a Dog a Donut, If you Give a Pig a..."

  "Focus!" Her words caused me to sit back in the leather desk chair. Apparently at some point I'd become so animated that I'd left my seat. Joan just turned to glare at me, I could tell I'd crossed a line.

  "Sorry." My chest hurt as I lowered my eyes to the cluttered detective's desk. Since getting dragged into this death game by that god, Joan had been forced to deal with my insufferable tangents. For her sake, I wish I could keep them in check, but sadly my medications were on the boat that got dragged to the bottom of the ocean.

  We'd been on a couples cruise... Not together! In fact, we were the only two single people on the entire cruise as far as I know. I'd been alone because of some situation regarding the names Kyle and Stacy that I'd rather not delve into for the sake of trying to avoid becoming more emo than poetry on a Neopets chatroom. Joan was alone because... To be honest, I never really found out, but now it was too awkward to pry.

  Either way, we were there when a giant eldritch beast dragged all of the passengers into this Call of Cthulhu style table-top role play game brought to life. Except it was being run by this stupid eldritch deity who acted like a complete spoiled brat. They weren't even good at running the game. I mean, half the NPCs in the last investigation were named stuff like Townsperson #48, and I'm still not convinced Sheriff Placeholder was actually his intended name or if that god just forgot to go back and add a real name. And the mystery was all over the place! It was just a complete mess.

  We'd finally managed to finish the dumpster fire of an investigation, so we'd been rewarded by getting sent to a completely different location and being forced to participate in the next investigation. So Joan and I were stuck inside what appeared to be a 1930s private investigator's office while we waited for a timer to reach zero.

  Accompanying us was my tiny little eldritch fur baby, Dalos. I'd acquired him as a familiar after a long series of events that would be much better experienced if you were reading it from a book about the events taking place... But the book where those events took place, not the sequel book after those events already took place. I'm not really sure why my mind wandered there, obviously nobody would read a book about my life, even if it involved eldritch deities, a mysterious blonde tsundere, a cute punk girl, and the most adorable miasmic canine ever written. In fact, I'd feel bad if someone had to suffer through my tangents and manic outbursts. I mean, who really cares that the guy who made Invader Zim also made a comic called Johnny the Homicidal Maniac, and that there was a spin-off comic called Squee? I mean, I would care because they're awesome, but it would be really distracting to have random stuff like that brought up when a reader was trying to focus on advancing the plot.

  It would just be the absolute worst.

  I'm the absolute worst.

  So anyway, I got this awesome yellow fedora... Actually Joan got the yellow fedora and I got a different one, but I traded so I could look like Dick Tracy. Joan had paced around the office letting me give incredibly accurate recaps of the events of our prior investigation, and then she finally got tired of it and told me to focus, which was like her catchphrase or something.

  We knew that when the timer hit zero, we'd hear some sort of announcement. It would be fair to assume that the announcement would give us information for the new investigation, and that it'd be presented by that god. I wasn't looking forward to hearing their annoying voice... And if I felt their voice was annoying, that's really saying something. We'd tried the door to the office, but found that we weren't able to leave until after the announcement. It was all really dumb, and felt like we were trapped in an annoying plot device created by a lazy TTRPG GM... I mean, it didn't just feel like that, because that was literally what we were dealing with.

  I had to admit it was effective. I hadn't been this anxious for a timer to reach zero since I was ten and watching the microwave timer count down as I cooked my chicken nuggets Kid Cuisine frozen dinner. The bright blue tray was just in the microwave spinning around as my delicious nuggets, mac and cheese, and brownie reached perfect mouth burning temperature. I think there were veggies in it too, but fuck that. I was ten, I didn't care about veggies. I was a man! Men don't need veggies!

  "Do I want to know why you're puffing out your chest like you're proud of something?" I was brought back to reality by Joan. At some point she'd stopped pacing, and was watching me out of boredom.

  "I don't need to eat peas. I'm a man, damnit!" I delivered the natural continuation of my thoughts, which obviously made no sense to Joan who couldn't read my mind.

  "Veggies are important, Clay. Eat your veggies." Her deadpan response surprised me since I expected some sort of insult or confusion. Did I break Joan with all my craziness? I hoped I didn't because she was the only reason we'd survived up to this point. Joan was the absolute best. She was a complete goddess like one of those Valkyries or like a miniature Amazon, and I was just some worthless comic relief henchman. Comic relief was a stretch since nobody ever seemed to laugh.

  Unauthorized content usage: if you discover this narrative on Amazon, report the violation.

  "Yes ma'am." I resolved to add more veggies to my diet.

  Congratulations on surviving the first investigation. To be honest, I'm surprised so few of you made it. It's absolutely pathetic. But that just means that the ones who survived are battle tested and ready for the next investigation. And boy is this one going to be a doozy.

  The obnoxious voice boomed directly into my head, and I assumed it was also rattling around in Joan's head as well. The voice belonged to that god, the one running this farce of a death game. I guessed the timer had hit zero while I contemplated the importance of veggies in my diet.

  I didn't properly introduce myself last time since I wanted to wait until I got rid of the worthless dead weight. I mean, if a person can't even survive the prologue, what does that say about them, am I right? Anyway, I am the all powerful deity Azathoth, your Keeper for this campaign.

  I'd already known that god's identity. They'd personally beamed their annoying voice into my head to remind me that I wasn't invited to their game. If anything perfectly encapsulated the life of a person with severe social anxiety, it was feeling like you weren't wanted at a group event. Referring to themself as a Keeper meant they were committing to the whole Call of Cthulhu mechanic. Keeper was the term for a game master of a Lovecraftian themed table-top role play game called Call of Cthulhu. I had a vague understanding of the game before getting dragged into this game, but I was nowhere near as familiar with it as other table top games. But even with my limited understanding, to consider that god's death game a proper representation of Call of Cthulhu would be generous at best. Honestly, it was more like they bought the Keeper's Guide, read the first few paragraphs, and then decided they were an expert. Wasn't that god supposed to be omniscient?

  Welcome to 1930's Boston. You are a private investigator. Somewhere out in the city is a mystery that requires your attention. Just like the last investigation, you will not be able to advance until someone inside your world fully solves the mystery and completes the investigation. Time is not unlimited, if events progress too far before the investigation is completed you will fail and everyone in your world will be terminated.

  So far, this information wasn't much different from the first investigation. I'd actually been unconscious when that god delivered the announcement for the first investigation, but from Joan's summary I figured it had to be something like this.

  Each world is its own independent investigation and recreation of 1930s Boston. There are at least three parties in each world. Whoever you were teamed with at the end of the last investigation is in your starting party, so if you were alone, that just makes things harder for you, doesn't it? The investigation will end if any of the following occurs: All players die, the time limit runs out, or the investigation is fully completed by any player. Good luck, try not to die.

  It seemed as if the announcement had concluded. I was about to get up to see if the door had unlocked when the lights in the room flickered and the entire world seemed to shake.

  This is a special announcement for the occupants of this specific world. There is an unwelcome presence among you. Somehow they made it through the first investigation, but for your sake, they should be eliminated as soon as possible. Of course, that would mean nothing without proper incentive...

  My heart sunk as my eyes met Joan's. We knew that god wanted me removed from their game, but during the first investigation they had at least tried to be somewhat subtle about it. A message to every player in this world was a big step up. The first investigation had been bad enough. I dreaded finding out what that god had planned to raise the stakes and get rid of me for good.

  For this world only... If any player kills the unwelcome presence, your investigation will be treated as successfully completed and you will be able to move onward. The player who delivers the final blow will get an extra special reward.

  Joan grimaced as she heard the announcement. I could see her fists clenched tightly. It was rare to see her genuinely enraged. Despite the terror of what that god's words meant, I couldn't help but feel my heart race knowing that Joan was so protective of me. She truly was the only human I could fully trust.

  If that isn't enough motivation, I have also altered your world's investigation to compensate for the different rules. If you take pity on the unwelcome presence and choose to let them live, you should know that this world's investigation is practically impossible to complete. I have added a secret stipulation that only the unwelcome presence can complete, and I know for a fact that they will never succeed. So unless you have faith that this worthless trash can do the impossible, it is in your best interest to eliminate them. Have fun, I trust you will make the right decision if you actually cherish your lives.

  Once again, the announcement ended. Dalos had hopped onto my lap and started to lick my face at some point. It was clear that he could sense my growing anxiety.

  "Clay, we'll figure this out. I promise that we..." Joan's voice was cut off as that god's voice once again invaded my head. This time, the voice was no longer trying to act remotely professional. I was hearing the version of that god that they hid from the public.

  You just had to ruin my plans! You couldn't just roll over and die, so now I'm going to make sure you suffer! I hate you! I hate you! I hate you!

  "I'm getting the impression you're not to fond of me, Azi." The last time they had directly spoken to me I had been able to have a conversation. I figured I would test to see if the same was true this time. Out of the corner of my eye, I could see that Joan was confused. She couldn't hear that god's voice, she could only see my reaction. I chose to call that god by a nickname I'd heard a certain other deity use, if nothing else I thought it might cause a rift between two deities that I'd rather not ever have to interact with.

  Azi?! You insolent little... You know what? It doesn't matter, because you're dead this time! I might not be able to do anything to you directly, but I learned your weaknesses, I know so much about you. Experience total despair!

  "Azi, are you feeling ok? I left some of my meds on that ship you sank. I'm sure you could find them and take them if you like. It sounds like you need them more than me."

  How dare you?! You are ruining my game and now you're making fun of me?! Don't you understand the severity of your situation?! I won't stand for this!

  "Oh yeah? So what are you going to do about it, Azi?"

  You're so smug, but you don't realize the position you're in! I know more about you than you think! I know that you are your own worst enemy, especially when it deals with the opposite sex. You're absolutely hopeless.

  "So what? I don't see why it would matter. I don't need that kind of relationship, especially now. Are you really so desperate that you're trying to use that kind of stuff to get into my head?" He must really have been grasping at straws if he needed to attack my insecurities like that. I was beginning to think he didn't really have anything planned other than sending the other players after me.

  You're wrong. I made absolutely sure that unless you get a specific individual to fall in love with you, it is impossible to complete this investigation. So even if you survive the other players, there is absolutely no way to win.

  "What? That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard." Fuck! That's brilliant! It sucks, but that's absolutely brilliant! I'd have to get a woman to fall in love with me? I'm fucked! That's literally the one thing that I know I CAN'T accomplish!

  Even if you're acting cocky now, you'll understand once you see my full plan. Although, I doubt you'll survive that long. Unfortunately, because I can't actually watch you like the others, I'll never see your face when you finally realize you've lost.

  I felt the pressure dissipate from my head as that god's voice went silent. If what that god had said was true, I honestly didn't know how I would manage to overcome this. Glancing between Joan and Dalos, I grasped at any possible strategy I could find.

  "Hey Joan, girls like puppies, right?" I petted Dalos' adorable head. Joan met my question with stunned confusion. I turned to look into Dalos's big yellow eyes. "Hey boy, do you know what a wing man is?"