IV; Cup of Tea

  Once again, I had returned to the dark. There was no climax this time - that pain was gone. Buried, practically forgotten. Perhaps one day, I’d feel it again. And then I’d realise I never forgot it. But until that day comes, I welcome the dark and the peace. The solace it brings. The comfort it gives. I welcome feeling … anything other than what I felt today. For today, I felt nothing.

  Why, I threw jokes out here and there, and I probably thought I felt something when I saw the girl with the—Alice, her name is Alice—I probably thought I felt something when I saw her, but now I know it was nothing. Or maybe it was something. I can’t claim to know my mind, but I know it felt like something and now it feels like nothing. Why, pray tell, would it feel like nothing if it was something?

  At least here, in my dreams of the dread dark, I feel something. I feel something and I don’t worry about ever forgetting this. I feel fear—fear that the pain and the turmoil and the fire—the frenzy and ruin—I fear the fire should come again. I feel fear—and I know I’ll never forget it and never misremember it.

  Thankfully—or was it painfully, I wonder? Either way, the dark did not last like it did last time. I eventually awoke, my body slouched with my head against a tree.

  That could’ve been bad. I’m surprised I didn’t snap my neck… more importantly, I’m surprised Professor Riscard left me here. Pretty fucking rude.

  Re-adjusting myself and laying against the tree, I sighed and looked at the ascendant moon, beaming through the green leaves against the backdrop of a fallen sky.

  I must say… I never expected to feel that again. The dark, I mean. It was… it was reminding—to say the least. I was allowed what felt like years to adjust to it, to understand it, to know it was never going to stop. And then it did.

  And I didn’t understand why it stopped, but I couldn’t either. I felt so—I felt so normal… if for but a moment. Even when I was trying to snap Gett's shoulder, I was… I wasn’t entirely empty. There was a reason—and I figured Professor Riscard would have fixed it, anyway.

  I never thought I’d feel it again. And now—now I dread the night, come so soon. Now I know what awaits me, every night for the rest of my nights. Is this what life is to be for me? A waking nightmare, a valley of fear?

  With my eyes welling up, I wiped them away and tried to hold myself together. But I couldn’t. I… I…

  I miss my mum.

  I miss her smile and her red hair and her beaming eyes and her strong jaw and her beautiful breasts and her—what’s the matter with me? What am I on about?

  Rising from the tree, I wiped away the rest of the tears and did some stretches, trying to take my mind off it. In the distance, through the shrubs and the foliage, I saw the black manor of the house of Bren, its bottom floor and front balcony lit up with orange lanterns and candlelight from within.

  From the building, I could hear the faintest laughter. “I guess they’re having dinner,” I told myself, looking up at the moon, only barely risen. “Or something of the sort.”

  The moon itself was close to the spire. Sigel. It seemed to rise with it. I wonder what should happen was Sigel to fall? Would the moon fall too? I suppose that was a rather stupid assumption, but I’ve just been knocked out by a tree, so I’m not the epitome of smart right now.

  Shaking my head, I manoeuvred through the dense bush and made my way to the dorm. Breaking out of the woods into the training ground from before, I slowly walked to the left as my eyes closed in on the open door of the dorm—and the scene inside.

  Gett—practically good as new—Ran, Fedwin, Isla and Medlyn… all of them were eating and drinking and laughing. Like a family. Like how… never mind. Gett was conceding something—probably my great victory, I could only imagine. Medlyn was laughing at him—but it was a nice laugh, mind you. Even Isla was chuckling, and I don’t think I ever saw her make an expression before.

  Crouching, I rubbed dirt in my hands. Did I ruin my chances of getting into this family? All because I couldn’t stand that he hit my lip? Or was that just some anxious filth, and they truthfully didn’t care? Some self-doubt? Some weakness? Some dirty fucking remnant of humanity… like my hands?

  I can still see the blood.

  Why am I thinking like this? It’s the moon, I swear. Not me. Letting the dirt fall from my hands, I turned away from the hall, intent on wandering until they were all asleep and I could steal some food and sleep on a couch or something.

  “Where are you going, then?”

  Turning back to the dorm, I saw no one.

  “Up here,” the voice called out. It took a second, but I recognised it as Alice’s. Up on the balcony, she sat on a small chair in the dark, sipping tea while her hair was tied up into a loose bun behind her neck. “Enjoy your nap?”

  Even in the dark, I could see her red eyes. “It was alright. Why’re you up there?”

  “Same reason you’re down there, don’t you find?” she chuckled, but it was a light chuckle and it felt neither real nor fake—it simply felt like a chuckle. I’m not quite sure what she meant by that, but it doesn’t really matter.

  Hmm. Looking at the balcony, I saw the pillars underneath. They were relatively small - and thin. “Mind if I come up?”

  She scoffed. “Are you man enough to walk through that hall?”

  I shook my head and ran up to the pillar, wrapping my hands and feet around it. Shimmying myself up, slowly but surely, I reached the balcony whilst Alice’s quaint laughter echoed through the air.

  Climbing over the rail, I came face to face with her, sat on a small chair next to a circular tea-table. Looking around, inside I saw a bunch of chairs around another table. Taking hold of one, I lifted it out onto the balcony and placed it on the opposite side of Alice, the night sky and the cool winds to the left of me and the right of her.

  Sitting down, I watched her watching me while sipping her tea. “Where’d you get the tea?”

  “I brought it myself,” Alice answered. “From my home.”

  “Huh. Never had it, myself. I’ve had… fermented spit… which is quite nice the first couple times, but then you grow to find it distasteful.”

  “That’s disgusting. Was it at least a woman's spit?”

  Scoffing, I turned away. “I don’t let biases guide my actions.”

  She laughed at that, and I was reminded of how she had laughed earlier today—and how I regretted making her laugh for whatever reason I had. I don't regret it now, however. Now it felt nice—and it was a welcome relief from the… well…

  From reality.

  Darting her eyes around, Alice sighed and held out the cup of tea. “Here, taste it.”

  Taking the cup—and noticing how nice of a cup it was, not like the clay bowls my village used—I held it to my nose and breathed it in. “Smells like—”

  “—better than spit, I imagine,” she cut me off, smiling. Her teeth were a little crooked, but by the Gods were they white.

  “I was going to say wildflowers, but yes.” Chuckling, I took a sip. It tasted like wildflower too, however that tasted like. Instantly my mind bounced back to a different time—a time when I was a boy—a time I used to pluck petals and eat them. A pretty odd time. Why’d I do that?

  “How is it?”

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  I nodded, handing her back the cup. “Tastes like—”

  “—wildflower, yes. I thought you’d say that. You’ll never guess what they use to make it?”

  “Wildflowers?”

  Alice shook her head, smirking. “Just flowers. Roses and orchids and … and I think lavender too, but I imagine every flower tastes like a wildflower to you.”

  She turned her head, looking out at the stars with those red eyes. I looked at her face: her prominent bridge, her dimpled cheeks, her strong jaw, her golden hair, and most especially, her barely faded smirk—I bet she felt proud about that bait. Yet, I must say, when was the last time I cared about a girl’s face like this? Have I ever? Enough to look at it like I do now?

  And all this made me think about why I am looking at her like that? Was it truly the fact that she had fire magic—like me? I don’t even know why I’d think that was it. That it was something so vapid, so narcissistic—yet for some reason my mind summoned it up like some black ichor bubbling from the depths of my persona.

  “So where are you from, then?” she asked me, turning back. Her left eye, lit up by the lanterns inside, seemed far more vibrant than her right.

  Probably best not to tell her the village—in case whatever happened there ever got out. “Kingdom of Raelad.”

  “No, I know that. I mean, where are you from? What’s your home like?”

  What is it like, I wonder? Scratching my cheek—and in the process staining it with the dirt I’d barely gotten rid of from before—I leaned forward and pushed my tongue to the side of my mouth. What to say…

  “It’s…” it was never my home, “it’s a place of community. Of family and friends. Everyone’s nice there.” Not to me. Never to me. “They drink well into the night, and they sleep well into the day. They rarely work, sustaining themselves on fish—mostly eels, disgustingly enough—although there was a case of some madman eating a dog.”

  Covering her mouth, Alice leaned back and sniggered. “Was it you that ate the dog?”

  “Please,” I laughed, shaking my head. “I’m not that bad.” The guy who did was, however. “What about you? What’s your home like?”

  Her sniggering died off, however much she tried to hide it, as her fingers slid across her red lips and she turned to the stars again. “It’s the same as yours, really. Although I never had to stomach an eel, thankfully.”

  “No, just tea that’s made from roses and orchids and you think lavender too that tastes like wildflowers to me.”

  She raised her eyebrows while scoffing. “Correct. You catch on quick.”

  “Yeah, I’m known for being rather quick.”

  Alice scrunched her face, turning to me and smiling. “Was that some kind of innuendo?”

  “I don’t know what that is,” I told her, covering my face with my right hand and looking away. Dispelling myself of the need to jump off the balcony, I looked back to her. “So why’re you up here?”

  Alice didn’t reply. Not instantly, at least. She just sat there, watching and smiling, with her big red eyes. “Like you,” she finally sighed, looking inside at the rails atop the lower dining hall. “I came late to the party. It’s not like they didn’t welcome me, mind you, but I can’t say I ever truly make the effort—and I’m not a fan of eating with people anyway.”

  “But you’re eating with me?”

  “I’m drinking,” she smiled. “And you’re here, watching me drink… and I felt pity, and gave you a sip of my precious tea, but we’re hardly drinking together.”

  “Well,” I exclaimed, touching my lower lip with my finger. “I can still taste your tea, so we’re practically sharing a cup at this point—I’ll be sure to return the favour with spit brew some time.”

  Alice bit her lip and swirled her tea. “I’ll pass. I’m sure it’s quite delectable, however.” She looked at me before drinking the last bit, and tilted her head a moment. “I’m surprised you haven’t asked me what happened after our professor slung you to kingdom come.”

  “Ahh, yes!” I pointed, my eyes darting to the dummies down below for a moment. “You beat him?”

  Pucking her lips, she shook her head in exaggerated confusion—as if it was a given she’d lose. He must be pretty strong. Strong fighter—I’ll beat him. “I meant why you were left in the woods.”

  “Oh, that.”

  “Yes, that. The professor and I fought after you, I lost, and whilst he facilitated the rest of the duels, he sent me to make sure you were alright.”

  “That doesn’t explain why he slung me.”

  Alice shrugged, rolling her eyes. “It was probably your frankly despicable use of dirt that angered him, but how would I know?”

  It was rather rude, but I can’t imagine he would’ve used magic—wind magic, even—on me with the chance that I would die. That old fool wouldn’t have kept me alive for however long I was just to let a professor kill me. He must’ve cushioned my flight, or something along those lines… so why would he send you? “Why’d you leave me in the woods, then?”

  “Well,” she smiled. “I saw you… peaceful like, slumped against a tree and I didn’t want to wake you, so I left and told Professor Riscard you had wandered off.”

  “Awfully kind of you.”

  “Yeah, I’m known for being rather kind.”

  …

  Ha! I couldn’t stop myself from chuckling, and I knew I couldn’t stop it from becoming laughter. She’s rather quick, this Alice—you don’t meet many people like that. Most everyone back in the village were dolts, fools, such a bore it made you want to kill yourself… especially the girls, mind you. Ah yes, I’d love to hear about this fucking tunic you’ve been weaving for the better part of a week for the thousandth time! But not her. Why, she’d not said much of anything, really, but this conversation dwarfs a thousand others I’ve had. It’s… it’s really something.

  But isn’t that something in and of itself? How I looked down on everyone else? Maybe that tunic really was interesting?

  “What’s so funny?” she questioned, her white teeth reflecting the moonlight as she smiled.

  “Nothing much, I—”

  “—just got interrupted,” Professor Riscard chimed in from nowhere. The two of us turned to see him standing by the balcony door. “I’m glad to see you’ve returned from your little escapade, Gram.”

  I scoffed. “I imagine you’re happier I’m alive, really.”

  “Naturally,” he replied, his grey eyes bearing not a hint of shame for throwing me through a thousand branches. “Both of you, come down to the hall. I’ve an announcement.”

  The two of us followed him through the upper floor as the other students watched us from below the rails. I paid them no heed, though, rather paying attention to the numbered doors on the upper level we were walking past. I, II, III, all the way to XV… which number am I, then? Seven? “Which room’s me?”

  “Eight,” Professor Riscard curtly replied, knocking on Room VIII as we passed it. “Your belongings are inside.”

  I’ve belongings? “Why not seven?”

  “Room Six is supposedly cursed,” Alice informed me, “thus I got seven—and you eight.”

  We walked the stairway past Room I down to the lower hall and stood there as Professor Riscard held a hand up and took the attention of the house. In the meantime, I got a few looks from Medlyn, Ran and Fedwin, plus a rather ominous glare from Gett. I don’t think he likes me much.

  Standing in the light of the lanterns, the professor with the long, dirty brown hair clenched his fist and addressed the class: “I’m to journey to Raelad’s greatest dukedom, Estain, by the command of Grandmaster Sig and the request of its duke, Giscon. As such, you’ll all journey with me. If you’ve any questions, now’s the time.”

  Medlyn raised her hand. “Where will we sleep?”

  “In the castle,” Professor Riscard answered her. “Duke Giscon has graciously provided you all with accommodation. On the way there, we’ll camp—naturally. I’ve neither the money nor the want to rent a room for all of you.”

  “What are you going for?” Fedwin asked, holding up his hand.

  Professor Riscard shook his head. “Not your concern. Not yet. Any other questions?”

  Duke Giscon was the overlord of Sandel Village… or, at least, I think he was. “We’re not going to visit—”

  “—no.” He cut me off. He’s fond of doing that—as if he can read me like a book. “Rest assured, we’re not. Put your hand up next time, however.”

  In the corner of my eye, I saw Alice looking at me—not at the professor. I wonder what she’s thinking? And just like that, she raised her hand. “What place are we not going to visit?”

  “Again, none of your concern,” the professor rather crudely told her. “Alright, final question.” No one raised their hands. It seemed we had exhausted all our questions. “Well that was useless,” he sighed, rolling his eyes as he turned towards the exit. “Get some rest, we leave the day after tomorrow.”

  As I moved towards the stairs, I looked at Alice. “Thanks for the tea.”

  “It’s alright,” she told me. “Thanks for the company.”

  With that, I moved faster than my peers and made my way to Room VIII, turning the handle and revealing a small dorm room with a single bed on the left, a cupboard on the right, and a small window with red drapes in-between.

  Well, this is rather nice. Closing the door behind me, I walked over to the bed and touched the sheets. They were very nice—very comfy—but I couldn’t help but wonder what these so-called belongings were?

  Walking over to the cupboard, I opened every shelf—from top to bottom—yet, apart from a bunch of white tunics and—very thankfully—a few sets of sandals, it wasn’t until the very bottom shelf that I saw something different.

  It was a black ring with a ruby embedded within it. I took hold of it and held it up, twisting it in my fingers before my eyes. It was… well, I recognised it instantly. It was my father’s ring. “A fake ruby,” she’d mock, as was her lot—and it very well could be fake, yet…

  Yet it was good to see it.