Gwen: Seriously?!

  Gwen: My heart is exploding right now.

  Gwen: Keylynn has invited us to her house!!!

  Dauven: Keylynn, did someone steal your comms?

  B and B: She can’t respond if they did. Also, it was written like she typed it. Who else feels the need to introduce themselves in a group chat?

  Riv: I say we go. I have her coffee secrets to unravel.

  Gwen: Yay! I can prepare brownies, cookies, and cupcakes!

  B and B: How about you wait for her to respond?

  Keylynn: Salutations. Yes, this is Keylynn, and yes, I have invited you all to my dwelling. Gwen, you are welcome to bring whatever baked goods you desire.

  B and B: You shouldn’t have given her free rein on baked goods.

  Dauven: When would you like us to arrive?

  Keylynn: This is Keylynn. I didn’t think about that. Would you like an evening meal? Or would midday be better?

  Riv: She doesn’t want us to steal her caffeinated crown.

  Gwen: Riv, I think you need a nap.

  Riv: You need a nap.

  Dauven: Afternoon it is. See you then, Keylynn.

  Keylynn looked around her dwelling. Who would wish to take one step within her dwelling? She has fungus on every surface, and her floor was literally made of dirt. Her floor was home to countless insects. She was sure even Gwen would pause at the prospect of so many insects.

  She could always cancel by telling them never mind and that she made a mistake. Someone stole her comms device and wanted to play a cruel joke on her. Eugene oozed up her arm and soothed her anxieties away.

  She sucked in a deep breath and slowly let it out. She needed that. “My thanks, Eugene. I haven’t had guests. Ever. The last time I had someone inside my dwelling was Dauven, when I was purchasing it.”

  She could always tidy up. She can’t do much for the dirt, but there must be something she can do to make her home more welcoming. She looked around, biting her lip, trying to see what others would see. She saw fungi everywhere, clinging to her walls and most of her furniture. Her filamentous fungi hung down from the roof, adding a jungle appearance to her already lively home. Her largest puff shrooms occupied a corner of her sitting room. Underneath their large round mushroom caps, smaller ones have begun to grow. In another corner she had small button mushrooms and bell shrooms coexisting.

  She asked the slime moulds and the fuzzy spot moulds to leave her couch be because her friends wouldn’t enjoy sitting with mould. She looked up and asked all of her fungi on the roof to refrain from dropping down upon anyone’s heads, as they are so fond of doing. A blob of slime mould dropped on her shoulder and oozed down her back in response.

  She told all of her fungi that if they aren’t comfortable with guests, they can seek refuge in her humid green room or her bedroom. She can surely keep her friends out of her bedroom, but the green room was another story. What if they grow curious about the colonies that live there?

  Her kitchen was as clean as it usually was because her colonies rarely let true messes last long in her home. They always absorb everything after her when she makes a mess of her kitchen, which truthfully wasn’t very often.

  She paused. All she had to eat in her home was a sampling of raw vegetables, a rotting roast chicken, and her kitchen mushroom cultivation. She had nothing to feed her guests, except BEEG. He could possibly eat everything in sight.

  She chewed on her fingernail thoughtfully. She needed burning pine mushrooms and a hive of bees to keep the slime golem entertained. At least that was if he was coming. She couldn’t imagine Barnibus leaving him home, but still. If he isn’t in attendance, then a beehive would be ridiculous to have in her sitting room.

  A crisp knock on her door startled her. It was far too early for them to already be here. She wasn’t prepared. She looked around for help, but none of her fungi seemed to notice or understand what she needed.

  “Keylynn, it’s Dauven,” he called from the other side of the door.

  She sucked in a deep breath and let it out. She can’t send them away now, as that would be rude. She walked over to her door, wiped her hands on her skirt, and opened it. She can do this; these are her friends after all. The worst that could happen was that they leave immediately, signalling that she should never invite people over ever again.

  “Salutations, my apologies for my delay. Welcome to my dwelling.” She stepped back and gestured towards her home, as she’s seen many do hundreds of times. It felt awkward, and she regretted it instantly. She will never be doing that again.

  Dauven paused at the door with an incredulous look. “Why did you invite us here?”

  “Because I felt it was time to see my friends outside of the office since we are no longer working day to day with one another. Is that so wrong?” She inquired in response. At least she hasn’t lost her ability to converse. If she had Dauven, he would surely think she is a shapeshifter attempting to steal the life of his friend.

  Gwen elbowed her way in front of Dauven with a large container filled with her baked goods in her hands. “I told you so, Dauven! No one else would say 'salutations' or introduce themselves with every text message. Our Keylynn is impossible to copy.” She walked straight into Keylynn’s home without a second thought.

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  Keylynn raised an eyebrow at Dauven. “You’ve been discussing this invitation amongst yourselves?”

  “Of course we have. We were worried. You’ve never invited anyone to your home. Ever.” Barnibus stated. “Glad you’re still you. I’d hate to have BEEG eat you.” He joined Gwen inside.

  BEEG lumbered past her and placed one of his arms on her shoulder with a smile. “Is Kiki. BEEG happy.” He followed Barnibus into her dwelling cheerfully.

  “There were plans to feed me to BEEG?” She asked Dauven, shocked. “I didn’t think you would resort to such extremes.”

  “It’s one way to ensure your coffee empire’s demise, is it not?” Riv muttered. “I’ll be with the books.” He walked past Keylynn, making a point to avoid looking at her.

  “You didn’t invite us over just because you missed our company,” he stated bluntly.

  “You mean to tell me that Riv is perfectly fine?” She countered.

  “Point taken. Can you convince him to sleep by any chance?” He sighed in defeat.

  “I haven’t failed yet.” She turned to join her friends in her home.

  BEEG was entertaining himself by poking her puff shrooms and catching the spores on his tongue. It seems she won't need to summon a beehive or burning pine mushrooms at all. She let out a sigh; she was worried for no reason. Everything was fine.

  Riv walked out of her book room with one of her rare acquisitions, a tome detailing the ancient magical practices of the Fae Folk. Everything is not fine.

  “Rivaneil! The books do not leave the book room!” She scolded, feeling like her mother.

  Riv froze and stared at her like a child. “You don’t have any furniture in there,” he responded, sounding like a petulant child. “Where am I supposed to sit?”

  “The floor. That book cannot be replaced easily, and the colonies cannot resist my tomes from the Fae.” She attempted to explain calmly. If that tome got digested, she would have to be exceedingly lucky to be able to replace it. The last rare book that got damaged was one that took her months to track down. It felt like she sent out requests to every known bookseller. There was one willing to sell her a copy, but they weren’t willing to deliver it, meaning she had to use vacation days and book a trip to the city of Sigil in order to pick it up. And that particular tome was a gift from a friend back home.

  “I told you she is a tyrant!” He hissed before stomping back into her book room.

  Dauven looked at her perplexed. “Why is there no furniture in your book room?”

  “Because I moved it,” she paused. What would be a rational reason to have her furniture elsewhere? “For cleaning.”

  “Enough about the books and furniture. You live in a fungal forest, Keylynn!” Gwen exclaimed, looking around.

  Keylynn watched her, unsure if it was a good thing or not. “Is this a good thing?”

  “It’s exactly what I imagined your home to look like. That is when Dauven informed me that you didn’t just live in a tree,” Gwen explained happily. A small trail of ants started to crawl up her dress. Gwen shot her eyes to Dauven quickly, who gave her a disapproving look. “Uhh, no offence.”

  “Thank you, I think. You can leave your baked goods on the table, and please take care not to feed my insects too many crumbs,” Keylynn said, looking at the open container. A quick look inside revealed cookies, small cakes, and brownies.

  “How much is too much?”

  Keylynn let out a sigh. She should have said not to feed her insects at all. “One cookie. I know you will feed them anyways. So one cookie.”

  “I can feed them?! Thanks, Keylynn!” Gwen hugged her tight before flopping on the floor. She selected the perfect cookie from the container and began crumbling it in a pile. Another colony of ants began the slow climb up the container’s wall.

  Barnibus and Dauven found their way to her green room and started talking about the merits of her different fungal species. Barnibus took samples to subject BEEG to later. That was fine. Everything was fine. They were all having a pleasant time even though she lacks a television. All that was left was to make Riv sleep, as that will be the only way to end his madness.

  She poked her head into the book room and found Riv on the floor with a stack of books beside him. He was leaning against the bottom of her shelf of mostly elven tomes. His ears drooped with weariness, and his eyes didn’t seem to acknowledge the words that he was reading. It didn’t help that the book was upside down. The bags under his eyes were dark purple and reminded her of a raccoon.

  She felt pangs of guilt looking at him. His state was entirely her fault. She should have been paying better attention to him. He knows entirely too much about magic for such a young age. That amount of knowledge was dangerous for anyone, especially someone not prepared to have it.

  “Riv, I understand that you are irate with me. I also understand that you are not caring for yourself,” she said, sitting beside him. Underneath them both, she compelled the soil to be soft and welcoming.

  He huffed and ignored her, focusing on the book. The book that was upside down.

  She gently took the book from him, closed it, and set it down on the pile on his other side.

  “Hey!” he squeaked. “I was reading that.”

  She thought for a moment, then smirked. She knew how to get him to agree to sleep. “You wished to know the secret of the caffeine crown, did you not?”

  His ears perked up. “Yes, I did, not that I expect you to share.” He crossed his arms.

  “I couldn’t very well tell you where prying ears are hearing. My fungi will ensure none hears what I am to say,” she answered simply. She reached her hyphae into the soil and compelled her soothing winter’s kiss mushrooms to grow.

  “I’m all ears.”

  “Dirt naps. They are how I obtained and maintained my hold on the coveted caffeine crown.” She felt her mushrooms grow around them and begin to release their soothing aroma.

  “Dirt naps? You died for the crown? You’re dead?” He asked, staring at her. “That explains too much.” He reached out to squeeze her face.

  She pulled his hands away. “I’m not dead. And no, that is not my meaning. My meaning is a nap in the dirt with the feelings of life around you to comfort you. Fungi and insects working around you to envelope you in the comforting embrace of soil.”

  He thought about it in silence. She hoped he was going to be amiable, if not, she was at a loss. She could only hope she filled the book room with enough spores to cause him to fall asleep while protecting her books.

  “What do I get if I let you try to kill me?” He asked, narrowing his gaze at her. He knows she was trying to manipulate him.

  “You can borrow three of my books,” she offered casually. When their desks were closer, they used to trade books all the time.

  “Five books,” he snapped back.

  She pretended to think about it to draw out the silence. She wanted him to think he was manipulating her. “Very well, five books. Now please lie down.”

  “Fine,” he huffed and shimmied until he was lying down on the soft loamy soil.

  “Now I will move the soil to encapsulate you gently. Fret not, for there aren’t many colonies in here to disturb you.” She began to envelop him in the warm loamy soil. She asked her insects and colonies to keep it at the perfect soothing temperature. She hoped with the relaxing spores of the winter’s kiss he would fall into a restful sleep.

  “Does it work better with fungus?”

  “Does what work better?” She asked, pausing her soil’s hug.

  “The dirt nap to earn the caffeine crown!” He snapped, sounding frustrated like an overtired toddler.

  “It does,” she answered. She asked slime Eugene to ooze down her arm. She didn't need to ask to know that they were ready to try to help her friend. “With a very special fungus. The first of his kind. Eugene. They gave me the knowledge that I needed for the acquisition of the caffeine crown.”

  She gently placed slime Eugene on Riv’s chest and asked her slime mould to help her friend relax enough to sleep.

  As the slime oozed over her friend, she saw him visibly relax.

  “The snot from your desk?” He asked, stifling a yawn.

  She smiled and completed enveloping him in her soft loamy soil. “Yes, that is the one.”

  He nodded. “Thank you. Now be gone. I need time alone with your magical coffee genius goo.” He dismissed her.

  She coughed to cover up a laugh. If his hands were free, she imagined him waving her off like a noble dismisses their servants. She bowed her head. “As you wish.”

  Standing slowly, she compelled all of her friends in the room to help her friend sleep blissfully and fitfully. Her insects all agreed, just as long as they get ample cookie crumbs.

  She stepped out of her book room and gave her fungal colonies a very firm warning of what should happen to them if they dare look at her books. They have one purpose and one purpose only: to allow Riv to sleep.