(Journal — Robby, Age 7)

  Mom bought me this notebook. Dad to I guess.

  It was in the grosery bags. The yellow ones with the smile. You put it in the cart and said it was “for school or drawing stuff” but I think you ment this. I looked it up in the word book, I know what jurnal is now. You always did that, say one thing and mean another. Moms are wierd.

  I think you knew I’d need somewhere to put things so they dont fall out of my head. You always said that, if it wern’t for my halo everything would fall out of my head. Thats just silly tho.

  I’m writing so you can read it when you come back.

  I wont lie. I promise.

  Also dont read first page. I didnt mean it. I luv u.

  I keep thinking about the last morning.

  About how you said hurry up and I didnt. About how I spilled my ceriel and you sighed. About how Dad said it was ok but you still looked tired. Tired of me i think.

  I should have finished faster. I should have helped more. I should have been better.

  Was I bad?

  If I was bad I’m sorry. I wont be bad again. I swear. Pleze?

  There is a lot of food. Sooooo much food.

  You bought so much it felt silly. Bags and bags and bags. Cans under the tarp. Boxes in the car. Stuff everywhere like you were scared the store might go away.

  At first I ate like normal.

  Then I started counting.

  Now I count every day. Sometimes twice to be sur nobody took nothin. I line things up and then put them back so it still looks neat like you like it. For when you get here, shuld be soon right?

  Sometimes my stomack hurts and makes noises and I tell it to stop. If you come back and theres no food you’ll think I wasted it.

  I dont want you disapointed. You will see i can be good. I promis.

  I tried opening one of the cans today.

  I found the can opener in the trunk. It looked easy when you did it. It wasnt. It slipped and cut my finger.

  It bleed alot. More then I think it should.

  I got scared for a second. Then I sucked on it till it stopped. It tasted like metal for a long time.

  I didnt cry. I swear I was good.

  I saw a Flutterby last night. It has wings as big as my hand and it glowed. No not a liting bug its wings glowed not its butt. If i got to close it would flutter away but then it came back when i went back in my tent. It hung around for hours and i fell sleep watching it from the tent. It made me feel safe.

  The tent is loud. I think its mad at me that i didnt put it up right.

  When the wind hits it, it flaps and snaps like its mad. Sometimes it sounds like something walking around me. I wake up and dont move and just listen. Monsturs dont see u if you stay really still dad always said.

  I talk to it sometimes. I tell it to stop being dumb. I tell it we are suppose to be safe. It didnt lissen.

  I sleep with my shoes on now. Dad said thats stoopid but it makes me feel ready. If you come back at night I dont want to be slow.

  I didnt cry today. Did i do good?

  Every morning I check the road.

  Then I check the car.

  I dont know why it has to be that order but it does.

  Sometimes I think I hear the engine and my heart jumps real hard and I hide.

  Its never you.

  The creek is bigger then it looks.

  From the road it looks small but when you go down its like wide and super loud. The water moves fast in the middle and slow by the sides. So i dont go in the middle, you forgot to teach me to swim. Its ok tho i promise ill lern soon. Too cold now tho.

  I can see fish. Silver ones. They flash and then they are gone like they are laughing.

  I tried to catch them with my hands and I fell in. The cold hurt my legs and chest. So today I lerned be careful walking in the water, rocks are super slippery.

  I laughed for a second and then I got scared because laughing felt wrong.

  I’ll lern how to do it right later. I promise. So you can be proud of me. Then maybe youll come back.

  It rained all night. I mean like allllllll night! And the litning and it booooooooomed! It was scary! But it was kind of pretty too, something diffrunt.

  The tent leaks. Just drops but they hit my face and wake me up. I moved my blanket and pretended it was fine.

  I dont want you to think I complained alot.

  I didnt yell at it this time i promise i was good.

  I swear i didnt cry in the rain either i was brave.

  The air smells diffrent now.

  Sharp. Like metal and leaves. I remember that smell. Dad taught me. I miss Dad.

  Winter is coming! I remember that old show mom liked, they always said that. Winter is coming! But here its reel. It is coming fast!

  The tent wont make it i think.

  Im sorry. I miss you to mom.

  I started building something else.

  You might be reading a pirated copy. Look for the official release to support the author.

  Theres a fallen tree by the creek. I leaned sticks against it like the book says and stuffed leaves and grass in the holes. I kept pushing them in till my hands hurt.

  It looks bad. Real bad. But the wind doesnt go thru as much.

  I call it a fort so it sounds better. And forts are safe from monsturs

  I moved my stuff there today. Two trips.

  The stoopid tent ripped last night.

  It made a tearing sound that felt like it went thru me. I didnt go look right away. I didnt want it to be real yet.

  Its done. stoopid tent. Im so done with it!

  I sat there for a long time.

  I didnt mean to ruin it. Dont be mad.

  It got cold super fast after that.

  Not just cold outside. Cold inside me. My fingers feel stiff alot now. Sometimes when I wake up they dont want to move. But I remembered glove box in car! Should have gloves! No gloves, but i found your smelly stuff. I sprayed a little. It smelled like mom.

  I have socks on my hands, they my new gloves.

  I made a fire easy at first. The matches worked. I felt smart. Like I was doing it right.

  Then the matches ran out.

  Too bad the Flutterby never came back. I bet it knows how to make a fire.

  I tried making fire without the matches.

  Steel and flint like the Boy Scout book says. It looked easy in the pictures. It really wasnt! I hit and hit and sparks jumped but nothing stayed.

  I tried for hours.

  I went back to the fort and curled up and shook. I told myself stories so I wouldnt think about the cold. I ran around for hours and was ARKNAD THE SPACE PIRATE. On a nice warm spaceship.

  I was cold for three days.

  On the fourth day a spark caught. Just a little one. Then smoke. Then fire.

  I laughed so hard I cried. ARKNAD smiled too.

  I know crying doesnt help but this time it did. I could hear dad saying he was proud i swear, ARKNAD heard it too so i know its tru.

  I remembered the car has solar panels. Stoopid me forgot about it.

  I dont know why it took so long. Maybe my brain was tired.

  I wiped the snow off and moved the car so it gets more sun. It doesnt charge much but its enough.

  The radio works now so you can come home now, I can make the fort bigger for you I promise.

  I listen to the radio every night.

  A couple hours if the sun was good. I sit in the drivers seat and close the door so the wind doesnt steal the sound.

  Sometimes its music. Sometimes its people talking about places I never been. Sometimes its just static that makes my skin feel funny.

  Once I heard someone laugh.

  It hurt real bad and I had to turn it off.

  I pretend its you when its quiet.

  I got sick.

  My nose wont stop running. I dont have any tissues left so I use my sleeve but then it freezes. My boogers freeze and it hurts and I dont know if thats bad.

  My head feels hot but my body is cold. I sleep alot and then wake up scared because I think maybe I wont wake up again.

  I promise Im trying to be brave.

  I was scared I was dieing. I yelled for you mom. But then membered you still not here.

  I didnt want to die alone. I told myself I wasnt allowed to. I drank water and stayed by the fire and read the big books even when the words got blurry.

  After a few days it got better.

  I think Im ok now.

  I lerned how to tie my shoes!!! I was pretunding to be ARKNAD again but kept falling down so i sat by the fire and kept reading the book on nots. It took forever but di did it!!!

  I should have known already. Im sorry.

  They kept coming undone when I ran. I practiced every day. Slow. Watching my hands.

  I threw one shoe once cause I was mad. Then i remember dad yelling at me cuz i did that. Is that why you left me? Cuz i didn’t lern to tie my shoes? I know now so you can come back!

  I picked it up cause I need it.

  I can do it now.

  You would be proud. Luv U Mom and Dad. even if you dont luv me. Its ok i understand i waznt good.

  I read the Boy Scout book every night.

  Even when Im tired. Even when my eyes hurt.

  I made snares.

  The first one didnt work. The second one didnt. The third one did.

  I sat there for a long time.

  I said sorry.

  Im not writing that part.

  I ate tho. I didnt get sick.

  That matters.

  I walked toward town today.

  Just to see.

  It takes two hours. I counted. I didnt go all the way in. I stopped where I could see the buildings and the machines.

  There are lights there at night.

  I dont like them.

  I figgured something out.

  If I sweep my hand over the vending machines they drop food.

  But then the police come. The guardians.

  They come fast. Faster then anything I swear!

  The first time I froze. One of them looked right at me and my heart felt like it would explode.

  I ran anyway.

  They didnt chase far.

  I do it fast now.

  Grab food and run. Dont look back. Dont take much.

  My hand beeps loud when I do it. I hate it. I dont know how to turn it off.

  Im not stealing to be bad. Im stealing to have food.

  I hope you understand.

  Winter is everywhere now.

  The fort sags under snow. I prop it up with more sticks. Snow still gets in. I wake up wet sometimes.

  I sleep curled up like an animal.

  I dont feel like a kid anymore.

  But if being like this makes you come back I will keep doing it. U will be proud of me.

  I found something today.

  At the bottom of one of the grosery bags. I dont know how I missed it. Cept im stoopid.

  An OmniPad.

  It still works.

  It has books. School books. Stories. Big books with pictures of machines and how stuff works. It has its own little solar panel and doesnt need much power.

  I read every night now. To not be so stoopid anymore.

  It makes my head feel full instead of empty. THAK YOU MOM N DAD! Luv u. U will be proud of me i swear. U will.

  Spring is taking foreeeeever to get here.

  The snow melted into mud. The creek got louder. I saw more fish.

  I still cant catch them.

  Yet.

  I think its been a year.

  I dont know for sure. I stopped counting days when it got cold.

  The car is still here.

  Im still here.

  I dont write every day anymore. Only when things change. Or when I need to talk to you.

  If you read this later I was alive. I tried. I stayed.

  Please come back.

  I’ll be good.

  — Robby

  (Not from the journal)

  The car is dark except for the dash lights, dim and tired.

  Robby sits curled in the driver’s seat, knees pulled up, chin resting on them. The door is closed to keep the wind out. Frost feathers the edges of the windows, creeping inward like it’s alive.

  The radio crackles.

  “…The latest reports are in, the battle for Lith has collapsed, the window to change the course of Lith is almost closed. All we can do now is…”

  He accidentally turns it off, then back on with the volume back down. Robby presses the buttons to change the radio to try to find some music.

  Static fills the space between words. Somewhere far away, a song starts, broken and warped, like it’s coming through water.

  Robby leans his forehead against the steering wheel.

  For two hours, the car is warm enough.

  For two hours, the world feels less empty.

  When the radio finally clicks off and the dash lights fade, the dark rushes back in.

  Robby stays where he is for a long time, listening to the quiet, before he goes back to the fort.