ZE LU JIN (萴露瑾)

  Day 8, 4th Month of the Lunar Calendar, 6000th Year of the Yun Dynasty, Taishan Province, Tian’an Sect

  They’re laughing at us.

  The Hall of Supreme Harmony mocked us, with its candlelit eaves and flower decorated murals. There had been no welcome, no cheer for our arrival. Except for the scruffy half-of-a-man before us.

  The eunuch grunted and gestured at a seat. The last seat in the entire hall and the closest one to the exit. There was a time when I held the second seat beside the throne.

  The eunuch grabbed at my son and ushered him forward. Zhiwei stood his ground and raised his voice to say, “How dare—.” But when the eunuch made a noise likened to an agitated pig, my son hesitated and looked at me instead.

  “Go where you have been assigned,” I found myself saying. There was no point in arguing with the mute thing over a seat.

  I offered a smile and nodded at my son’s tight fist. He relaxed his fist as if to show me that he had brought it, returned the nod, then followed the eunuch to his placement. It didn’t matter what or how they tried to shame me today.

  Today, I was going to have the last laugh.

  I sat down on the seat cushion and brushed down my clothes. It had been eons since I last dressed in finery and attended a banquet such as this. The Liantai Sect was not the wasteful type; banquets were only held for very special occasions. I stared at my reflection through the polished metallic bowl on the tabletop.

  That wasn’t exactly true. They had let me have a banquet whenever I asked. They gave me the first pick out of all the clothes and jewellery delivered to the palace.

  They were the only people who had cherished me.

  And they were long gone.

  A sweet smell wafted to my nose. I scanned the room. Each guest had a different tea set, with a different beverage. I returned my gaze to the tea that had been set before me. Chrysanthemum. Someone had remembered my favourite tea. Who? I lifted the cup and examined the silver surface. Greasy fingerprints lined the lips of the cup where there should have been none. I scoffed. Just another way to bully me.

  Poisoning my favourite tea. What did they use this time? Laxatives? Of course they wouldn’t remember my favourite tea without some trick.

  Knock, knock.

  Who’s there?

  It’s me. I’m back. Did you miss me?

  I thought we were past pleasantries.

  We are. And we also aren’t. You see, you chose to keep those pleasantries.

  I didn’t.

  Yes you did.

  …

  I ruffled through my sleeves, searching for brown. The hessian sachet that contained the key to my sanity.

  You didn’t answer my question.

  I took my pills already. You aren’t meant to be here.

  Ah yes. What a restful sleep I had those days.

  Get out of my head.

  Make me.

  A flat and empty sachet lay in my hands. The pills were not there. No, no, no. I did not waste years waiting for this opportunity, only to foiled by—my chest tightened as if an invisible hand was squeezing my lungs and my breathing turned shallow and sharp.

  But it was not enough.

  Oh Jin. You’re so predictable.

  …

  Nothing to say? Has the cat’s got your tongue?

  …

  Well, if you don’t want to listen to me, why don’t you look over there? Trust me, it will be interesting.

  My will screamed to escape, but my body obeyed the voice that occupied my mind. I lifted my eyes to look.

  A phantom haunted my vision.

  People bustled around me but all I could hear, and feel was thudding in my throat, in my ears, and in my fingertips. My hands trembled with a crawling, tingling sensation, even though I knew that there was nothing.

  The teacup flipped over.

  Scalding liquid splashed onto my skin, but I took no notice. Voices in my head were spiralling out from their hiding places, unfurling their limbs and shadows.

  It cannot be.

  I told you it would be interesting.

  You see her too?

  She looks like that very precious person doesn’t she?

  Help support creative writers by finding and reading their stories on the original site.

  The girl waved her hands before the floral mural. Immediately, all the wilted flowers perked up and looked even fresher than before. Some of her chestnut hair was neatly pulled back whilst some tumbled down her back.

  My vision narrowed—like the world was being swallowed up by black ink—and all I could see was her petite figure.

  Another servant rushed past her.

  Clat. Slap.

  Her wooden hairpin slipped from her head, and onto the floor.

  The girl raised her head, as if she were a puppet being controlled by strings. And her eyes shone, alluring as a galaxy, decorated with silver speckles. Amethyst that screamed that name.

  I remember the last time we saw those eyes. Do you?

  …

  Those eyes were trembling that day. Filled with tears and a touch of fear. Especially when you plunged the knife...

  Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!

  Feisty aren’t you?

  I opened my mouth to scream. To shout. To release the demons that plagued my mind. The words were sitting at the tip of my tongue, thick and heavy like sweet and sour soup.

  But another voice—one I had hidden so deeply that I had almost forgotten its sound—escaped.

  “Ah Dan (阿亶)!”

  A childish and high-pitched girly giggle. The young girl bent down and picked her hairpin off the floor.

  “My Lady, I beg you not to mention that name,” my attendant said, glancing around nervously.

  I had no control over the voice that possessed my body. And I didn’t plan to regain control. The voice within called again and my body stumbled onto its feet. The girl still didn't turn toward the voice, as she focussed on sticking the hairpin into her head.

  Look at her face.

  Perhaps she was a phantom.

  A figment of my imagination.

  “My Lady! Please!” the attendant tugged at my skirts from the ground, where she half-crouched, half-prostrated.

  I saw myself ripping my skirts from the attendant’s grasp, and my body lumbering towards that girl.

  Phantom or not, the voice needed to know.

  Look at her face.

  “You’re alive!”

  I heard the voice cry over and over. Like a puppet, my hand pulled the girl’s shoulder aside in obedience.

  Look at her face.

  The young girl stared at me with brown eyes, before widening her eyes in confusion. She kneeled.

  “This servant begs forgiveness for disturbing Your Ladyship,” she said.

  Look at her face.

  Why should I? It’s not her.

  You never listen do you? Stop being stubborn.

  My body bent down, and hands that were mine helped the girl to her feet. She kept her head down. The moment she was upright, she stepped away and tucked her hands into sleeves.

  Look.

  She dodged my eyes by lowering hers.

  I told you to look.

  I already looked!

  My left hand gripped her shoulder, and my right hand forced her chin to face me.

  “What is your name?”

  A youthful voice I didn’t know I possessed, echoed from my throat. I only spoke like that with her.

  The girl tensed. Blood ran from her cheeks like startled birds and she harshly exhaled. “Your Ladyship, please let go.”

  “Who are you?”

  She dipped her head against the hand on her chin. “I don’t understand your meaning, Your Ladyship.”

  “Really?” My face drew near hers.

  Stop it, stop it! I don’t want to look at her anymore.

  You didn’t listen to me before. This is the only way I can make you listen.

  Give me my body back!

  Sigh.

  The girl sharply turned her head away.

  “This servant does not understand, Your Ladyship.”

  How about I let you in on a secret?

  “Don’t lie! Tell me now!”

  The voice turned shrill, and my right hand regripped her chin.

  “Your Ladyship—” she started.

  “Look!” She lifted her eyes, and the voice came again. “Girl, I said: look!”

  What is this secret?

  Blank eyes stared at me.

  “Look!”

  She twisted out of my grasp. “Your Ladyship, you are unwell. I will call a physician.”

  “Look at me, girl! Don’t you know who I am?” I screamed at her.

  It seems you have discovered the secret.

  It had been me. Not the voice.

  I had been the one who was screaming, gripping, and chasing the girl. I had the power to stop the whole time. But I didn’t. Because I really wanted to know too. I clutched at my chest, trying to steady myself, but the ground wobbled away. I need to get out. I need air. I need—I don’t even know what I need.

  What you need is me. After all, I am you.

  Right.

  “Your Ladyship—” the girl started again.

  “Shut up. She must be alive.”

  I grabbed her with an iron fist and began shaking her body.

  The girl pushed at my hand as if she were trying to scrub off a stubborn stain. “Please let go. Let go of my arm, Your Ladyship!”

  “She is alive! Where is she? Stop lying!” I yelled.

  She smacked my hand off. I regained my composure and grasped at her arm again. I felt a sharp pain on my finger. Her teeth left a semicircular ring of blood.

  “Your Ladyship, get off!” she roared.

  I glared and slapped her face. She raised her hands reflexively as she tried to guard herself from my attacks.

  “You insolent wench! How dare you?” I screeched.

  The girl mumbled something and hurried away as I chased her with a pointed finger.

  But a man stopped me. His broad build stood like a wall, blocking my line of sight. It was at that moment, that I realised the hall had become silent.

  “Mother, please take a seat,” Zhiwei said.

  “But…” We are not finished.

  “Please sit…mother,” he lowered his voice, “the banquet is starting.”

  He forcefully guided me back to my seat, keeping his head down in his usual demeanour.

  Grasping the sides of my head, I crouched over the tea table.

  My son leaned over.

  “I have done what you wanted, mother,” he whispered.

  I waved him away. He was trying to comfort me in the only way he knew how. But I didn’t want to be comforted.

  Do you see it now, Jin?

  Shut up.

  I won’t shut up. I told you already: I am you.

  You are not me. You only know how to get me into trouble. You make me look stupid. You make me look crazy.

  I am you. And you know it. We know it. Only we know who’s the real lunatic.

  I leaned over the table and placed my face between my hands. Where were my pills? I want my pills. I need my pills. My eyes traced the figure of the girl. I was mistaken. My eyes had betrayed me. My mind had betrayed me. That person was dead. I had seen her corpse laid out next to my little girl. The memories rushed to me.

  The betrayal.

  Smoke.

  Fresh blood on white tiles.

  Under the table, I clenched my hands together.

  The Empress had to pay. A body for a body.