But Respawn Rangers is not the only RiftElite party here. A dozen other teams stand nearby, arranged in neat rows along what can only be described as a starting line.
I’m in a race.
New Quest! To Rob a God
The Volcano God Xiuhtecuhtli is angry! The local islanders are making an effort to keep him calm with their music and offerings, but the eruption is imminent. While the islanders are distracted with their worship, you must race to the heart of the volcano and steal Xiuhtecuhtli’s Legendary magic ring before he really blows his top. This is a No Participation Trophy quest! First one to grab the brass ring wins it all.
PvP Inactive | No Respawns
Difficulty: Veteran | Lvl10 Party
God Loot: 2000XP ea. + 1,500,000 gold ea. + Exotic LootBox x10 + Quest Prize x3 + Unique God Badge: Brass Ring
Good luck against Xiuhtecuhtli! What, you’ve never robbed a god before? I’m sure he won’t mind, maybe just ask him politely?
“She-ootie-cutie!” Pepper chirps. “She’s a ootie-cutie fire god! Yes she is!”
The horn goes off like a cruise ship swallowing a chainsaw and a dozen teams heave toward the volcano’s mouth. Several of them have speed boosts, and at least two of them can fly. The Rangers trail immediately and are in next-to-last place when we enter Xiuhtecuhtli’s navel.
Inside the god's belly, thousands of banana slug worshippers dance and sing in their feathers as lava boils up from Xiuhtecuhtli’s loins. I realize I’m inside a god, and he’s got some hellish acid reflux. Lava explodes sideways from a crack in the wall and wipes out four Elites. Before they hit the ground, mobs emerge from the magma, large humanoid lavamonsters.
Xiuhtecuhtli Harem
Being married to a volcano god and competing with 200 other wives for his attention could make some women a little cranky. The Xiuhtecuhtli Harem is perpetually furious, perpetually at war with each other, and perpetually pregnant. They have babies to spare, and they’ll use them to protect their position in the hierarchy of a god’s favor.
One of the lava monsters reaches into its stomach and removes a screaming magma baby. It's on fire, and angry as hell. Mama rears back and slings the baby at an Elite. The flaming fetus hurdles through the air, eyes wide and burning, giggling as it smashes into the Rifter’s chest and drives a slag hole right through him. I can’t believe what I’m seeing as the cooing baby melts the guy to ash, then crawls away giggling like Jack-Jack from The Incredibles. I look up to see a dozen mamas cock their arms back to sling more infants.
“Rangers form up!” Arrogorn’s voice is cold and amplified, a voice that expects to be obeyed. “Twins, eyes up for the sides. New guy, hit the buffs. And Pepper—” He shoots her a plastic smile that reminds me of Blap Blap. “Keep the feed pretty.”
The Rangers charge into the harem. Swords flash and laser rifles pop, spraying lava blood everywhere. I haven’t used my combo attack skill yet, but now’s the time.
Hannibal’s Gambit Active
Suddenly the Rangers are lit in smoky A-Team red halos in my HUD. The pale light strobes with every hit, and I feel the connection between the men and the violence. One of them strikes hard at a Harem mob and I see energy explode from his halo. On impulse, I force the energy back into his arm. He strikes again, hits for double damage, and leaves the lava monster sprayed all over the cave floor.
Critical Combo Hit X2!
Woah. Did I just do that?
“Yo Arrogorn!” Thing 2 casually ducks a flying lava baby. “Secret passage!”
“Go in hot!” yells Thing 1. “For the views!”
Arrogorn likes the idea of anything that features him as the hero. He doesn’t ask questions, he simply hurls a wad of alien explosives against the wall where the Chaos Gremlins are pointing. The alien bomb grows sharp legs, sinks them into the wall, beeps once, and explodes.
MemeQueen: Slo-Mo Activated
Hair sweeping over his shoulder like a L’Oréal commercial, Arrogorn strides through the hole in the wall while the shrapnel flies around him.
RifTok Vid: “Arrogorn Enters Like A King (Live)”
#Strider #YoloFrodo #DisSilmarillion ?400
I can’t be certain, but I could swear Arrogorn is intentionally blurring the faces of the other Rangers; none of them are in focus. It’s all about him.
The secret passage leads up to Xiuhtecuhtli’s ribs, which ascend like a magma staircase. All along the path, banana slugs worship the god, chanting and praying for calm. I feel Xiuhtecuhtli breathe, the giant fires where his lungs should be expand and collapse, and I am thunderstruck by the size and power of the living volcano.
Screaming babies hurtle through the air at us. One of the Rangers catches a fetus in the face. It melts through his helmet and leaves a molten neck where his head once was. The Rangers respond with a staggering amount of firepower, cutting and blasting their way through the Harem.
One of the Harem comes for me. I swallow my last can of spinach and activate my Kaboomerang. The fry pan manifests in my hand and I sling it at the god-wife. It hits her face with a klonk and explodes with a boom! Chunks of lava go flying like blood. She drags a hand through her belly and slings a yowling preemie at me. I get my Shellshock up just in time to watch the baby splort off the Oolith and splat against a giant rib. Part of me feels bad for killing a baby, but the rest of me wonders what kind of psycho developer makes flaming babies a weapon?
Mama mob is coming and she’s mad. Behind me, I see Arrogorn strike down a Harem Wife, and his red halo flashes. This time, I feel the halo connect to every member of the team, including me. I snatch the strobe of power and send it into my right arm, which suddenly flares like it’s been hit by lightning. My Kaboomerang smashes the Harem Wife’s head five times with staggering brutality, my fry-pan detonating with each hit. She explodes into molten shards and collapses to ash.
“Hey!” Arrogorn yells. “Combos go to me, not you!”
“You already killed yours, I just—”
He grabs my shirt. “Who’s the star here, me or you?”
EmpathyEngine?: Submission Position!
Remember: don’t hog the spotlight! RiftElites are the real heroes! They’re Batman! You’re Robin!
“Okay, fine!” I yell at him. “Go be a f§cking rockstar!”
We ascend. Every few yards, heat-blurred Rifters appear in the haze—other teams with less sparkle and more cowardice. One huddles by a column and lets us pass like they’re watching a parade. I notice none of them has a RiftElite badge.
“Who are those guys?”
“F2P!” Thing 1 doesn’t even look. “Don’t worry about them, they’re nobodies.”
You might be reading a stolen copy. Visit Royal Road for the authentic version.
Thing 2 eyes me. “100% bro’s gonna ask what F2P is, bet!”
I scowl at him. “Don’t make me ask.”
“Free-to-Play, the grinders, the cheapskates.” Thing 1 shakes his head. “Budget builds.”
One of the F2Ps waves to Pepper. “Hi penguin!” Pepper waves back, delighted. “Hiii!”
I see a vid tag pop up, but this time it belongs to the twins, not Pep.
RiftTok Vid: “PARADE FLOAT MEATWADS”
(Filters: Cherry Sparkle) #PepperParty #Hiii ?900
“Cute,” I hear Thing 1 murmur. “Farmable.”
“Shh,” Thing 2 whispers. “Let the camera breathe.”
The rib-stairs open into a basalt amphitheater. Every single inch of space is filled with slug worshippers hopping from foot to foot, or whatever slugs hop to and fro from, singing and chanting at the top of their lungs. Many of them wear tiki-like masks. I glance up and realize Xiuhtecuhtli’s flaming lungs on either side of us now.
In the center, where its heart should be, hangs a giant brass ring.
“This is it!” Arrogorn strikes down another Matron. “We’re almost there!”
A blister of lava thirty feet wide boils up through the center of Xiuhtecuhtli. It boils everything in its path, including the Matrons and the slug worshippers, who turn to Sizzlean. Below, Xiuhtecuhtli’s gut starts manufacturing a new bout of indigestion.
EMERGENCY: PRESSURE EVENT
VOLCANIC MAGMA CHAMBER DESTABILIZING
Pepper edges closer to me. “Dave? This feels—”
“Bad,” I say.
“Bad,” she repeats, trusting my imagined experience with boiling lava caves.
“Strat!” Arrogorn yells.”We get the ring!”
“This is easy, king!” Thing 1 shouts in Arrogorn’s ear. “It’s a timed trap!”
“We’ll time the blasts—”
“—then tell you when to jump.”
“Big hero move, center frame.”
“And we’ll make you legendary.”
The Chaos Gremlins open their hands like magicians. Between their fingers they produce stubby metal rods that look like military flares.
HYPE BEACONS x8
Effect: Auto-clip boost | Cinematic zoom on victory | Split-share enabled
Pepper sees the cones and lights up. “Ooh, sparklers!”
“Exactly,” Thing 1 smiles like a wicked dentist.
“Nice,” Arrogorn nods. “You two might be worth buying yet. Let’s go, boys!” The Rangers fan out with the efficiency of warriors being paid to do a job. Arrogorn leads the way and I try to keep up. I coordinate combos while my Kaboomerang wipes out another Matron with explosive force. It feels fantastic for a half-second, then another series of lava bubbles geyser from Xiuhtecuhtli’s bowels, and we’re forced to take cover as a dozen gyrating slugs are incinerated.
We power our way to the top of the rib cage, on a cliff near the dangling brass ring. The prize.
“On my mark!” yells Thing 1 as a lava bubble burns half the interior, killing all the F2Ps.
“On three, jump!” yells Thing 2. “One—”
More lava bubbles kill a hundred worshippers. I feel sweat pour down my forehead. The win is almost ours.
“Two—”
Arrogorn steals the count. “Three!” He races to the edge of the ribcage and leaps for the brass ring. Below, the HypeFlares ignite like it’s New Year’s Eve, blazing sparks and color everywhere within the caves. Pepper’s Slo-Mo kicks in.
MULTICAM MODE: CINEMATIC (AUTOMATIC)
LIVE VIEWERS: 382,044
Arrogorn’s cloak flies out behind him, his hair cascades over his pearlescent brow, his carefully stubbled face has just the right hint of heroic grandeur. The epic hero hangs in midair, gorgeous in the center of everything, the brass ring right in front of his outstretched hand.
Just before he’s incinerated in a blast of lava.
He goes up like a wad of toilet paper dipped in kerosene, arms wide, visor brilliant, his beautiful gear cooking to slag in a sheet of fire. I see his eyes, dumbfounded, as the lava eats through his armor, his magic protections, and his shiny helmet. He screams like a panicky 4th grader as the lava immolates his entire body until he’s nothing but a wide-eyed head. It drops into the pit.
The Respawn Rangers are engulfed in the lava geyser as alerts flash in my HUD.
< Party Member Killed! >
< Party Member Killed! >
< Party Member Killed! >
< Party Member Killed! >
< Party Member Killed! >
< Party Boss Killed: ARROGORN >
RESPAWN RANGERS: ELIMINATED FROM EVENT
Up above, the lava blast corkscrews out of the volcano in a pillar you could see from orbit. The only reason Pepper and I don’t die with them is we were standing with the twins. A huge flash hits the Chaos Gremlins’ screens:
RiftTok Vid: “ISILDUR’S ERROR”
#ArrogornAscends #LegendaryFail #LordOfTheDings ?10,000
“Whoops,” Thing 1 laughs.
“That’s content!!” Thing 2 yells and throws me a wink. Both twins laugh like crazy, rejoicing in the chaos.
I can’t help but join them. They may be insane Alpha-babies, but they just fragged one of the top RiftElite players in the game. For the LOLs.
These two adderall addicts have taught me a valuable lesson: in RiftBorn, the fastest way up isn’t over your enemies. It’s through your allies.
“Did…” Pepper blinks. “Did you do that on purpose?”
“No!” Thing 1 laughs. “You did!”
The RiftTok vid pops up on my HUD and runs in a loop. Arrogorn gets flambéd like a campfire marshmallow, then the video cuts back to the twins yelling, “Three! Tw—”
“Go!” I see myself yell. It’s edited in from when I yelled at Arrogorn earlier, but my shout is cut in so perfectly, it looks like I call the jump. Arrogorn follows my direction, leaps cinematically, and is fried to a crisp.
Because of me.
The twins laugh louder than ever. “Nice working with you, Boomer!”
“And don’t die, Dave!”
I see a brief list of party invites on their HUD as they punch one, and the Chaos Gremlins disappear with a twinned digital bloop-blip-bloop-blip!
Our opponents—all RiftElites—crowd the rim of the amphitheater, dazzled and stunned. “Boo!” one of them yells at me. “Booo!” They gnash their teeth and heap disdain on me.
“Hey! Stop that!” Pepper squeaks at them. “Dave’s a nice boy!”
High-Visibility Strike:
LL Badge: Traitor | Reputation -10
EmpathyEngine?: Clout Drought!
Your popularity score is falling! Killing your own party members is no way for a LivingLegend to remain profitable. Many RiftElite parties are removing you from their request list. Common hashtags: #Traitor #DeadWeight #DieDaveDie Exercise caution! You run the risk of being #Cancelled!
The gremlins just transferred their penalty to me… with a meme. “You sneaky motherf§ckers.”
I laugh. I can’t help it.
They outplayed me, pure and simple. They got their HypePoints and got out. But the way they did it… I just can’t find it in my heart to be mad at them. It feels too good to finally see one of these pay-to-win crapstains get what they deserve. My only regret is that I didn’t get to pull the trigger on Arrogorn myself. The cavern is full of RiftElites who now know who I am and what I think of them. The Ampersand Twins’ video might not contain all facts, but it’s true enough.
As the RiftElites boo me, I spread my hands and take it in like it’s applause.
One of the players takes advantage of the distraction and snags the brass ring for herself.
QUEST COMPLETE! WINNER: [TEAM KOKO-POPS]
The volcano blows its top and explodes all around us as Harem Wives, flaming babies, and banana slug worshippers skyrocket into the air. The entire mountain disintegrates and disappears into the clouds, leaving the remaining players in a smoking crater overlooking the ocean.
“Dave?” Pepper asks. “Did we… win?”
“Not quite.” I smile as the #LegendaryFail clip passes 500,000 views. I don’t earn much Hype, the twins take the lion’s share, but half a million people watched Arrogorn get vaporized with my help. “But it’s close.”
My HUD blinks. The Twins left a note.
DM: @& + @& → @DDD
nothing personal. milk that traitor badge. hate is currency. we’ll split the next one three ways. or not. stay slippery. —And&And
I laugh, but a wooziness hits me and the world strobes. I feel dizzy, a weird, drugged-out sensation like I just fell asleep on my feet. Everyone around me is gone; only Pepper remains.
“Dave?” Pepper asks. “Are you back?”
Wait. That strobing effect. That was the sun rising and falling, really fast, several times.
A sound of trumpets splits the air and I look up to see huge text written in the sky.
GLOBAL ANNOUNCEMENT: RIFTSTORM HAS REACHED CATEGORY 5
STORM DAMAGE: 500% DPS IN ACTIVE ZONES
1 day until RiftStorm destroys the world.
CONGRATULATIONS, RIFTERS! You have made it to the Black Salt Corsairs World Deathmatch, which will begin immediately at the end of these announcements!
Holy crap. I really did get #cancelled.
I just lost 8 days.