I decided to give up on charisma since it appeared it couldn’t effectively go lower than zero, although I was convinced the game knew how far in the negative it ran and would probably find some way to penalize me. At this point, with the Ring of the Technocrat’s Heart leeching an added charisma point each level and my sewer boss gear sinking it further, even with the friendship bracelet’s charisma boost, I couldn’t keep up. Plus, my low charisma gave me maximum protection against poison. I regretted all the points I’d already wasted on charisma. I dropped both my points on constitution, raising it to 11.

  Next, I gave some thought to what piece of equipment I should boost with my token. An obvious choice was Corporal Keel’s Hunting Knife, though I was also trying to minimize its use to maximize my sanity. Boosting the friendship bracelet was a no go. I’d already decided I was done wasting all my resources trying to counteract my charisma sink. It was becoming clear that the system wanted my charisma low. And you can’t fight City Hall.

  Either the piece from Zilch or The Mother of all Crocs would be good. But I preferred to boost Zilch’s scales. A lengthier immunity could be a lifesaver.

  I also thought it best to consider all my options. I remembered Kebab’s headband and pulled it up.

  The Head Bandit. You’ve heard of people wearing their hearts on their sleeves? This headband is sorta like that. It lets you wear your brain on your forehead. -2 intelligence, -2 charisma, -2 dexterity, -2 constitution, -2 strength.

  Kebab had been a fool for wearing that dumb piece of gear. And I’d be an even greater fool to waste a token on it. All the same, it occurred to me that the hat had its uses.

  I also wondered about letting Kiara spend the token on her shepherd’s crook. We’d likely all be dead if it wasn’t for that item. But that last fight with Zilch pretty well proved that I should boost my own gear. Sometimes there’s no relying on others.

  The more I considered it, because of the synergy between Vamp and Chick Magnet, boosting the hunting knife was the best possible use for the token. I selected the token and dropped it on the knife.

  You’re boosting a cursed item? Keel’s really starting to get in your head, isn’t he? Since you’re so committed to the hunting knife, here’s a nice bedtime story about Keel. Once upon a time, our corporal of interest was ordered to train new SWAT recruits in urban policework. Keel’s superiors advised him to hold the training in a controlled environment, but Keel felt that only a real city would do. “A real city,” Keel argued, “offers the ambience and unpredictability the recruits need to develop a feel for the streets.” But when gang members thought the trainees were after them and opened fire, a recruit panicked and shot wildly into an apartment building, killing a mother and her young child. Keel lost his position on the force and his connection to reality. Cutting to the chase, days later the offending recruit was found with stab wounds, and we’re guessing you’ve already figured out who was responsible.

  Corporal Keel’s Hunting Knife.

  +6 strength.

  1d7 damage dice roll (increased by +0/+1 every 5 levels, +1/+1 every 25 levels)

  2% chance to Bingo any mob, if that hit is the first hit against a mark.

  3% chance to cast Fear on any enemy each time they take damage from the blade.

  Caveat emptor. While there’s not exactly a hard statistic to measure this, the token also boosted Corporal Keel’s power. You’ll figure it out.

  P.S. Now that Keel is stronger, you, really, really shouldn’t let him out.

  I reread the part about Keel’s power getting boosted. That made me feel like I’d made a mistake boosting the hunting knife. I decided not to say anything about it.

  TRIX: I have a suspicion I know where to take that key.

  WILL: In this massive city? It could open literally any door.

  TRIX: In the whole city? If this game is at all predictable—which, who knows—then the assembled key should open up something down here.

  WILL: Oh yeah?

  TRIX: Yeah. That’s usually how a dungeon works. Areas are self-contained. It’s like, if you open up a puzzle box, all the pieces you need to complete the puzzle are in that box.

  KIARA: As long as you’re the first person that’s opened the box.

  TRIX: Not helpful, Ki.

  KIARA: Just saying.

  WILL: I’ve been thinking since I saw that key shard we were going to get a key that opened up something topside.

  TRIX: I guess it’s possible, sure. But odds are, the door it opens is down here. Look at the map again.

  I brought it back up and studied its mazy, dead-end ridden passageways. The map was far too big to look at all at once.

  TRIX: If you scroll all the way to the east, and then go up and back west a few ticks, you’ll see concentric circles with a central chamber.

  KIARA: Mmm. Just shouts special room, doesn’t it?

  TRIX: That’s my guess.

  I was glad I was with these two.

  TRIX: You had enough rest, killer?

  WILL: Yeah, I’m good.

  It didn’t take long to backtrack to the first secret entrance room. We killed a few crocs along the way without any issues. I recalled a replay of a croc giving a big group fits. I shuddered thinking about what anyone in that group would have done in Zilch’s lair. Bones would have been metabolized.

  KIARA: Before I open the door, let’s talk strategy. Will, since you’re going in first, you take the shepherd’s crook and my last potion. That way if it’s another solo fight, you’ve got options.

  WILL: I don’t know if I can fight while holding the crook.

  TRIX: You can at least walk in with it so you don’t get taken by surprise. The fight with Zilch wouldn’t have been so close if you’d had the shepherd’s crook.

  WILL: Okay, yeah, that makes sense. But hopefully the rest of these key mobs aren’t solo fights. Go ahead and open this thing. No reason to drag it out.

  Kiara handed me the shepherd’s crook and the potion and then directed a Magic Smack at the middle of the far wall. The same chime that we’d heard at Zilch’s door played again and a secret door was revealed. We heard more hissing. A lot more.

  WILL: I’m starting to hate reptiles.

  I stepped through the door with Trix on my heels. As soon as I was through, the porticullis slammed down, right onto Trix. The shield from the shepherd’s crook shield flatlined, and Trix was pushed into the room, thankfully unharmed.

  I pulled out Keel’s knife, and I guess Keel had been in the middle of a session of maniacal laughter because it was already going strong when the weapon appeared in my hand.

  WILL: Do you hear laughter?

  TRIX: No. do you?

  WILL: No.

  Trix looked at the knife in my hand.

  TRIX: It’s the knife, isn’t it.

  WILL: Yeah.

  TRIX: We need to get you a new knife.

  The room was egg shaped, with the floor sloping down from the entryway and the ceiling arching high overhead. Across the sloping surface of the walls and floor were multiple circular passageways. They were just big enough for us to crawl into, but I had no intention of going in, given that the sound of hissing was still echoing around.

  KIARA: Guys, I’m locked out.

  TRIX: Just hang tight. These rooms are designed to only let in one person. I was lucky to get in.

  The hissing grew louder and felt like it was coming all around us. I guessed this was a whackamole room and ran to the nearest hole. Trix took my lead and ran to a different hole, Rat’s Tooth drawn.

  The hissing was at fever pitch, accompanied by a rustling sound all around us. I was sure something was in the hole I was next to, so I stayed put, knife at the ready.

  In the next moment, the heads of seven evil looking serpents thrust their heads out of various holes in the egg-shaped room. Some high up and some low. I stabbed with force at the head beside me. With the point of my weapon a quarter inch from connecting, the room froze, the words Son of a Zilch fell into place above our heads, and a thunderous drum fill assaulted my ears. The extreme volume was to our disadvantage. There’s no way we’d hear the hissing and rustling of snakes, even ones as big as these, over heavy metal. I was pretty sure, at least, that they’d moved on from Power Rangers to the more canonical Ronny James Dio’s Rainbow in the Dark.

  Stolen from Royal Road, this story should be reported if encountered on Amazon.

  Hey, there’s not supposed to be two people in this Boss Battle! That’s okay, I can cheat too. I’ve doubled the number in Zilch’s Clutch and then mathed in one more. Each one of these guys has different attacks and weaknesses. For funsies, I’ll let one secret out of the bag. The metallic looking one shoots liquified steel at temperatures of 1,500 degrees from his hollow fangs.

  Another piece of interest. We’ve sent a crack team of crocs to check in on ya girl Kiara while you’re indisposed. She’s so adorable and fleshy! The crocs will enjoy every morsel.

  I was about to end this, but I’m forced to stall because of all the bets coming in. It’s hard to believe the bets aren’t more heavily in favor of Zilch’s Clutch lining their nest with your entrails. But, no worries, your odds are still pretty poor.

  Without warning, the world unfroze.

  My hunting knife struck like I’d never seen it strike before, and the metallic, steel-spitting snake actually exploded, showering the room with scales and snake guts.

  Keel’s voice boomed out from the knife, “GO TO HELL, SERPENT!”

  Achievement unlocked! You just bingoed a mob! How gangsta is that?

  Reward: You got a gold loot box! Should it have been metallic?

  WILL: One down! Six to go!

  TRIX: Uh, who just screamed like a crazed demon?

  WILL: That was Corporal Keel.

  TRIX: What the heck? I thought he was only in your head.

  WILL: In my head and in the knife.

  TRIX: We really, really, have to get you a new weapon.

  I looked back through the porticullis at Kiara. Behind her a crocodile crawled through the only open entry to her room.

  WILL: Watch it, Ki. You’ve got a croc to sock. And it sounds like more are on the way.

  KIARA: Uh, what?

  TRIX: Just try to one-shot them if you can.

  Nearby, Trix slashed at a black and gold colored serpent that she’d covered in flame named Natty Daddy — Level 12. Its health was in the yellow, down by nearly half as it spit acid at Trix. When I saw the acid spray, a new icon popped up—Zilch Invincibility. I selected it and got a message: Will is now resistant to acid! Next I turned on Chick Magnet. As the acid reached Trix and should have poured over her, it instead waterfalled over me, but instead of burning, as acid will do, it was just unpleasantly wet. The snakes dropped back down in their holes.

  WILL: Trix, hit Natty Daddy with your flame attack again when he pops back up. That’ll probably kill it!

  TRIX: Stop mansplaining!

  My acid resistance was almost halfway shot. I hoped we could kill Natty Daddy before my timer hit zero.

  TRIX: You okay, Ki?

  KIARA: I just got another one-shot kill, but my psy points are getting low.

  Natty Daddy emerged near Trix and she speared it with Rat’s Tooth.

  TRIX: See, I’m quite capable, Will. Five left now!

  Poison gas shot over me. I turned to see where it had come from and saw King Cobra’s head dart back into a hole.

  KIARA: I’m in trouble, guys. Crocs are just appearing in the room out of thin air now.

  TRIX: Use Brinkley’s staff. Use everything.

  KIARA: Got another instakill, but I’m getting crowded.

  I turned to look through the porticullis and saw Kiara backed up against it, and a wall of crocodiles just beyond.

  WILL: We’ve got to work faster here, Trix.

  TRIX: I know that!

  I bounded down the side of the curving room toward the head of a red fire-breathing snake named Colt 45.

  KEEL: Let me out, Will. I crave blood. I must kill.

  Colt 45 sprayed fire at Trix, but before it hit her, Chick Magnet teleported the fire so that it enveloped me instead. I was an arm’s length from a snake when it darted back down his hole. The fire hurt but dissipated fast.

  Trix shot blue flame at Camo before it had a chance to attack, melting its skin as it quivered. The other heads vanished in their holes.

  TRIX: Four more snakes in here, Ki. How’s it looking for you?

  KIARA: Another one down. But they’re coming in faster.

  TRIX: Do you have any weapons?

  KIARA: Just Brinkley’s staff.

  TRIX: Get to the corner of the room if you can. Less points of attack to deal with.

  KIARA: Yes! Going!

  Dio’s Rainbow in the Dark was winding down, but the system had another song queued up: Judas Priest’s Snakebite.

  St. Ides’ head lifted from a tunnel in the curving wall beside me and I stabbed it right in the face, taking its health down to the red. It bared its evil fangs, spitting poison at my eyes. Because of the resistance from the belt, the poison had a soothing, rewetting effect. I stabbed again and the big snake twitched in death. My health was topped back up from Vamp. The best thing I’d done since getting in this place was killing Ron and harvesting Vamp. I’d be dead otherwise.

  WILL: Three snakes left.

  And then screaming waves of pain shot through my left arm and a big chunk of my health disappeared. None of the serpents had bitten me. None had shot my arm with anything.

  KIARA: A croc just ripped into my arm, but it didn’t hurt.

  I screamed as pain erupted across my chest, and another chunk of my health dropped away.

  WILL: I’m taking the damage, Kiara. Get away from them!

  KIARA: I’m in the corner. I’m stuck! Killed another!

  I turned to see King Cobra spraying poison at Trix. I bounded toward the big snake, tossed Keel’s knife to my left hand, brought my right hand back while pulling up a switchblade. No sooner than it appeared in my hand, I slung it forward, darting it toward the snake. I was horrible at throwing knives. It clanked off the wall, but it was enough to send it back down its tunnel. Likewise, the other snakes dropped into the nearest hole.

  In that moment, my acid resistance timed out.

  My thigh felt like teeth were gnashing it, and my health bar took another big hit. I slammed on Kiara’s potion and my health topped up.

  KIARA: More are coming in. I’m trying to run away, but there’s so many!

  KEEL: Release me, Will. I’ll kill them all.

  I briefly felt across the lock mechanism at the bottom of the lock, and felt a chill knowing that I could release him. I withdrew my finger. Maybe Trix and I could still do this ourselves.

  KEEL: LET ME OUT, FOOL! I’M THE ONLY ONE THAT CAN FINISH THIS HUNT.

  I dropped the knife back into my inventory and ran to another hole as more health disappeared.

  KIARA: Will, are you taking damage?

  WILL: Lots. I’ll do it until I can’t. Just stay away from the crocs. Do whatever you can.

  A long green serpent with the name Olde English over its head hissed at me and I hacked at it before it could even strike, cutting off a big piece of its body before it dropped into a dark hole.

  WILL: Come on! We can do this.

  My health went back to green, barely, but then dropped again as Colt 45 spit fire at Trix. She was out of psy points but nicked the fire spitter with Rat’s Tooth.

  TRIX: Poisoned it!

  Colt 45’s health bar was falling fast. He’d be dead before the snakes popped up again again.

  KIARA: They’ve got me pinned!

  Pain tore through my hand. It felt like it just got ripped off my body. I looked and was surprised it was still there. But two more big chunks dropped out of my health, and I was out of potions.

  KIARA: I’m trying to knock them away. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. Just let me die.

  Another chunk dropped, taking me down to half of my health. I couldn’t do this much longer.

  KEEL: THIS IS YOUR LAST CHANCE, WILL. I CAN SAVE HER.

  Another chunk dropped from my health, then another. My body was shaking from shock, and my health was about to tick back into the red zone.

  KEEL: LET ME OUT!

  Olde English, the snake I’d already injured stuck its head of a hole in the wall, and I spun and leapt slashing with both hands to sever its head from body.

  Another kill! Holy RNG, Batman! We’ve got ourselves a legendary serpent slayer!

  Reward: Enjoy a platinum loot box!

  The kill took my health to a little over the halfway mark.

  WILL: Only two left. Hang on, Ki.

  The fire-spitter’s health drained from Rat Tooth’s poison before it could stick his evil head back in the room.

  TRIX: Only one left now.

  KIARA: I can’t get them off me. I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry.

  TRIX: Get to the portcullis, Ki, and get ready to run in here.

  KIARA: I can’t move!

  King Cobra sprayed Trix with poison, which dropped over me like a warm shower thanks to the poison resistance on my belt.

  As my health dropped back in the red, I saw that Trix’s psy points had regened just enough to cast.

  WILL: Bind King Cobra Trix! Just don’t hurt it!

  King Cobra’s head had just disappeared into the tunnel when Trix held out her hand toward it and made a fist, grimacing as she held onto an invisible link to the serpent and held him fast. I ran up the sloping floor to the last surviving serpent as Trix fought to keep him in place. I had one eye on my blinking health as I stabbed into the tunnel and slayed the serpent, boosting my health back to almost midway. But no sooner than it spiked up, it dropped like a stone.

  Boohoo! First you killed Zilch and now you’ve massacred her whole clutch. But you’ve got more important things to do than bask in your victory. We’ll continue this later. If there is a later …

  Oh, and all skills just reset since you defeated a boss.

  I slammed on Turtle as the porticullis and energy barrier vanished, slowing down the damage I was taking from the crocs mobbing Kiara.

  TRIX: Hag on! We’re coming, Kiara!

  Turtle bought me some time, though my health was back in the red and blinking. I cut off Chick Magnet.

  Kiara wailed in agony and her health dropped by nearly half as I sprinted through the door, knife first. I cut through three big crocs, and my health rocketed back up while Kiara’s health continued to sink. I went back into Chick Magnet mode and stumbled, from the agony, falling to a knee.

  The room was thick with crocs, and the option to use Zilch’s impenetrability against piercing popped up. I selected it and my health meter stabilized as a one-minute timer ticked down. Now all that was left to do was make crocodile stew. I slashed my way to Kiara, and was quickly waist deep in hacked off crocodile parts. Trix fell in behind me jabbing at crocs with Rat’s Tooth. I registered a Triple Kill, a Quad Kill, and stopped paying attention after a Hepta Kill achievement flashed past. I saw a shock of red hair underneath a croc and eviscerated the beast. Trix helped me pull the dead weight off Kiara.

  Kiara looked up, her face a mess of blood and tears, wrapped her shaking arms around my legs in a tight hug.

  KIARA: You’re the best thing I’ve ever seen.

  WILL: Don’t you mean ugliest?

  KIARA: No way.

  I bent down and held Kiara. Hot tears fell on my neck, and Ki’s body continued to shake as she cried.

  KIARA: I’d be dead if it wasn’t for you.

  WILL: Yeah, but I was dead until I found you guys.

  Another croc snapped its massive jaws at me. I turned to see Trix stab it with Rat’s Tooth. Crocs were escaping back to the main tunnel, one of them missing a tail. I jumped up and chased them out the door, killing as I went. Though my hand was beginning to freeze to the hilt and the only thing I could hear was Corporal Keel barking out curses and calls for blood, I hacked away until I was covered in crocodile gore and raving along with Corporal Keel, mad for blood. When my impenetrability timer ran out, there were no crocs left to kill. I sat down and leaned back on the carcass of a crocodile as I looked back through some of the achievements I’d missed. As I’d come to expect, most of it was no better than spam mail. One stood out—the croc cocaine badge.

  Killing crocs was once little more than a recreational drug for you, now your onto the hard stuff—getting in your reps on reptiles by killing 50 crocs in under a minute. But don’t worry, we won’t tell Don Johnson.

  When worn, This badge gives the owner +2% damage against all reptile-based mobs and increases the likelihood of encountering reptiles in your area.

  I was so sick of crocs. The thought of wearing something that attracted them couldn’t have been more undesirable. I shelved the badge and promptly forgot about it.

  Then I picked my knife back up and was drawn in by its sharp, cutting edge.

  KEEL: There’s no time to rest, Will. We must hunt.

  WILL: No. I can’t hunt now.

  TRIX: Will. Who are you talking to?

  KEEL: WE HUNT, WILL. THERE’S MORE TO KILL!