Chapter 38.5:

  They reached the room Aria had been assigned, and Eli pushed the double doors open for Aria to enter. As they stepped inside the laughter faded off like the final, lingering note of a beautiful melody. The feeling enduring for a precious moment even after the sound was gone.

  From the sitting room they were in they could see all the way into the bedroom through the open connecting door. There, folded neatly on the polished wooden trunk sat her clothes. Washed, pressed, folded, and placed carefully where they always were. The worn fabric was like a stone among jewels. Clearly out of place, and so obviously unrefined compared to everything around it. The clothes she’d arrived in were faded, patched, a size too small even on her already tiny frame. Since coming to the keep more often, Aria had filled out a little. Not much, but enough that her already slightly ill-fitting clothes had become more obviously so.

  Aria looked down at the pretty dress she wore, then towards the bedchambers, and finally she looked at Eli. He was staring at the trunk ahead, lips pressed together and eyebrows slightly furrowed. Aria sighed and held out her hands in front of her. She flipped her palms up, then down again and spread her fingers. Through the gaps she could see the ornamented rug below, the rich polished wooden floors, a beam of sunlight that shone through the tall, glass windows. She tucked her hands away, hiding them behind her back and clasping her palms together so tightly her fingers ached.

  At the movement Eli looked back towards his friend. Her gaze was like a dying fire, the previously happy light slowly dimming.

  It was a look that did not belong on a child.

  “I really, really wish I could stay,” she whispered, swallowed, then continued. “But I know I can’t”.

  Eli’s throat tightened. He asked the question he already knew the answer to, because he needed her to say it anyway. “The clothes you came in, you do not have to wear them. The dress is yours. You have pants and skirts and tops here too,” he said, voice careful. “If you must change, why not just change into one of them?”

  Aria’s fingers tightened, her palms sweating where they were pressed together behind her. “My father said no,” she whispered.

  Eli’s eyes narrowed. “Why?”

  She shook her head, curls bouncing. “He doesn’t like it.” Her voice got smaller, her brows pinching together as she tried to explain something she didn’t fully understand. “He said- he said not to ‘bring that charity work back again’.” Her lips pinched, twisting to the side in confusion. “He said your parents weren’t giving him a face?” She shook her head again. “I dunno. He got really angry.” Her eyes flicked up to his, deep and pained. “Really, really angry.”

  Eli’s hand moved deliberately but carefully, fingers closing gently around her shoulder. He turned her to face him properly his eyes on hers. “Do you want to stay? Do you want to leave that place?” he asked quietly. “If you do not want to go back, you do not have to.”

  Aria swallowed hard.

  Her face crumpled inward in slow motion. “But I do,” she whispered. “I do have to.” She pulled away from him, pressing her back against one of the closed doors and sliding down, her skirt bunching as she settled on the floor.

  Eli took the other door and settled in beside her. His voice was firm. “No. You do not.”

  Aria’s eyes shimmered. “My mother died.” she said, with none of the careful, cautious phrasing adults might use to spare a child. “My father. I owe him. I can’t leave. She’s gone, so I can’t leave.”

  Eli’s fists clenched. “Is that what he said? That you owe him? Owe him what?” It took an effort of will for Eli to rein in his feelings. “Aria, nobody is owed what you are paying.” Aria’s face twisted in confusion. She didn’t understand, and he didn’t know how to explain. “Aria, you are allowed to leave.”

  Aria shook her head fiercely; the first true disagreement Eli had ever drawn from her. “You can’t know that,” she said, voice trembling but stubborn. “You don’t make the rules.”

  Eli went still, because this was Adler territory. He clenched his jaw so tightly he feared he’d give himself a headache, so he deliberately loosened it, and took a deep breath before looking at his friend.

  Then he leaned in slightly. “I can, and I do.” He said, his voice low and absolute. As if the words were something physical he could give to her. Like he could place the reassurance directly in her hands.

  Aria stared at him, eyes wet and unblinking.

  Eli asked again, softer this time. “Do you want to leave?”

  Aria’s gaze flicked away. “If I really did leave,” she whispered, “I think… I think I’d go somewhere else.” Her voice steadied, her gaze drifted, eyes unfocused. “I think I’d run far away. All the way into the wilds. Or maybe the Contested Lands. I could be like my mama.”

  Eli’s chest ached. There wasn’t a single part of him, past or future, that didn’t understand that dream. Freedom, space, nobody telling you who you were or who you should be. Nothing forcing your hand or dictating your path. No pressure, just open land and your own will. The older part of him saw the truth beneath it: running wasn’t freedom unless what you were escaping couldn’t follow. Trying to do something like that was as futile as running from your shadow. So long as there was light, there would be darkness, and no matter how far you ran, you would always carry yourself with you.

  “If you want to be a wanderer,” Eli said slowly, “I would support your dream.” Sure, Eli might not have a choice, or at least not a good one, but what about Aria. She still had a future. If she tied her ship to his, he would drag her into turbulent, treacherous, deadly waters. However, what if he pulled her to shore, then just… let her go. The thought caused an actual physical spasm to shoot through his chest. He didn’t let the sudden pain show up on his face.

  In front of him Aria’s eyes widened. Then, just as suddenly as it had brightened, her expression dimmed again. She frowned. “We’re best friends,” she said, very seriously “You know what that means?”. When Eli just looked at her blankly, she continued. “That means we have to stay together. Forever. That’s what it means.”

  Eli’s mouth twitched, his expression turned complicated before it smoothed back out. “You are right.” he agreed.

  Aria nodded like this was never in question, but her frown deepened. “So how would I go if you don’t come with me? Would you go with me?”

  Eli opened his mouth, and a shamefully big part of him wanted to say yes, wanted to leap at the idea of running away from war and duty, destiny, and a future he’d lived once before but had vowed he wouldn’t allow to come to pass again. He wanted so badly to tell her, he would go even if it was just a childhood promise. But he wouldn’t lie to her.

  His voice softened into something smaller, something more his age. “My Papa and Mama need me too,” he admitted.

  This book was originally published on Royal Road. Check it out there for the real experience.

  The words surprised him as much as they surprised Aria. He rarely called them that. Those parent’s who even now, gave him enough trust to wait for him, enough freedom and respect to come to them on his own, and enough love to only push for answers when he was clearly injured and out of sorts. It made his throat feel tight.

  “They would miss you.” Aria said, matter of fact.

  “Yes,” Eli said simply.

  Aria’s gaze dropped. “I don’t think anyone else would miss me if I left,” she whispered. “Would you?”

  Eli’s expression sharpened. “Of course I would miss you! So many people would miss you.”

  Aria looked up, doubtful.

  “Kara. Cailean. Chef and Nasir.” His mouth quirked faintly. “Even Master Moss would miss you, and he does not miss anything.”

  Aria’s lips twitched. “He would not.”

  “He would,” Eli insisted.

  “Would not.”

  “Would.”

  “Would no-”

  “Would, would, would.” Eli cut her off grinning. For a moment it was absurd and warm and childish again as they argued about whether that terrifying old shadow master was capable of any feelings, let alone of missing someone. Aria’s shoulders loosened.

  “Maybe you’re right,” she whispered.

  Eli looked at her for a long moment, then decided. “Okay,” he said, voice gentle but firm. “I would go with you. Not yet, maybe not for a long, long time. There is too much to do right here.” His gaze held hers. “But who says we cannot explore the world we know before we go into the unknown.”

  Aria’s eyes widened slightly. “You mean, you would really come with me?”

  Eli nodded and leaned into a part of him that had never changed from childhood. both the older part of him and the younger had always been filled with excitement for discovery, for mastery, for power and knowledge. War had dampened it but never snuffed it out. “Why think so small?” he murmured. “Just the Empire? Just the wilds and the Contested Lands?” His lips curved into a small, almost mischievous smile. “One day, why not wander beyond the sky.”

  Aria stared at him, breath catching. “Beyond the sky?” She asked, and Eli nodded. “That sounds really far away.”

  Eli nodded even harder. “You would be the ultimate wanderer.”

  Aria’s face lit up. “Like- like the Primus of wanderers?”

  Eli huffed a quiet laugh. “Yes,” he said. “The Primus of wanderers.”

  “And what about you. You’ve gotta come too. You promised.” Aria said, very seriously.

  Eli blinked. “Alright,” he agreed. Aria nodded emphatically in response.

  “And, and if you’re coming too then you’d have to be Primus too,” she declared, as if it was obvious. “And we would wander together, into the sky.” She said her arms flung wide.

  “Beyond the sky Ari, beyond” Eli laughed.

  “Okay, so long as we’re together. Forever. You promised.”

  Eli’s laughter turned softer, and something in his chest eased just a little despite the overwhelming weight that had been a constant companion since even before he had returned. “Okay, Aria. I keep my promises.” he said.

  They sat together on the floor, backs against the doors, the world outside the room continuing without them. Eli could feel time pressing at him. He knew his parents were waiting, that he had lessons, and training, and now a whole spatial pouch full of materials that needed sorting and studying, and careful care. However, he allowed himself this moment, allowed Aria the moment too. For a while they sat in silence, stared at nothing.

  Eventually, the dream settled back into reality. Aria’s fingers twisted in the fabric of her dress. Her voice got small again. “But I can’t go. I can’t leave my father,” she whispered, and this time the words were heavy with a weariness that seemed to age her in real time. “He needs me.”

  Eli’s gaze sharpened. “He hurts you.”

  Aria’s eyes flickered. “He gets angry,” she said quickly. “Sometimes I’m bad.”

  “You’re not bad,” Eli said, immediately, fiercely.

  Aria’s breath hitched. “I am, I make him tired,” she whispered. “He says he’s tired, and I’m a lot of work. And I make him tired, so I need discipline-”

  “Aria-”

  “- and he does hard work, really hard work, but he doesn’t make much. Not like your Papa and Mama. And there’s just him, so we don’t have a lot.”

  Eli swallowed the bitter truth. The Butcher was not merchant or noble wealthy, sure, but the man had more coin than Aria realised. More than enough to buy his daughter new clothes and hire a worker to do the menial labour and deliveries. Poverty was not the reason for his cruelty. Eli didn’t say that though, he just listened, and stewed, and silently cursed the man for a thousand terrible deaths in a thousand lifetimes. Let him never join the ancestors and never see the spirits. There should be no good afterlife for scum like that.

  Aria’s trembling voice cut into his silent cursing. “Maybe if I was better? I just need to be better. Work harder. Be good.”

  “Ari, you are good,” Eli said, his own voice tight. Aria just shook her head.

  “I’m not. He said so. Why would he lie? I’m bad, and so maybe if I try harder?”

  Eli forced his voice to stay gentle. “Even if you were difficult,” he said, “what he is doing. Ari, that is not good either. That is not how you make someone better or help them try harder.”

  Aria stared at him, eyes wet. “You don’t know my father,” she whispered, her voice small but firm. “He’s a good man. He’s just tired and needs help and I owe him.”

  Eli’s jaw clenched. “Is that what he says?”

  Aria nodded. “I know I’m a burden. Maybe if I weren’t so difficult my mama-”

  “Aria no.” He grabbed her hand and squeezed. “No.” He held her gaze for a long moment and didn’t let her go until she nodded.

  “But I owe him.”

  “Aria, you are not a burden,” Eli said, and the words were simple but absolute. Aria’s gaze wavered, but eventually she looked away. This wasn’t getting him anywhere. It wasn’t like they hadn’t had multiple versions of this very conversation before. He wanted her out. Now. But the girl was stubborn, and the Butcher had not broken the law.

  Eli inhaled slowly, tilted his head back and closed his eyes. He needed a new angle. A true angle, but one she would actually believe.

  “I am scared for you,” he confessed. “I am scared that one day you might be really, really hurt, and I will not find you in time.”

  Aria blinked hard, then her face scrunched. “You get scared?”

  Eli let out a soft, tired laugh, and wondered if perhaps he should be crying instead. “Of course I get scared.”

  “But you’re brave.”

  Eli rolled his head to face her. “Does being brave mean you are not scared? No.”

  Aria looked genuinely confused.

  “You can be scared,” Eli said gently, “and still do what you must do. Being scared does not mean you have to avoid the things that scare you. You do them anyway, because only then does the fear not control you.”

  Aria stared at him as if he’d handed her a new truth of the world. Then, very softly, “Now I really know you’re brave.”

  Eli laughed, and this time it wasn’t hollow.

  “Of course, sometimes you should listen to the fear. Doing things that scare you just to do them is not being brave. That is just foolish.” He chuckled and looked over to see Aria staring at him with an aggrieved expression. When he laughed again, she turned away, pouting fiercely.

  “Don’t laugh at me.”

  “Not laughing, not laughing!” He said, his face tight with the supressed mirth. Her baby soft features and chubby cheeks all scrunched up made her look particularly miserable, and the boyish part of himself couldn’t help but teasing. He poked her cheek twice before she retaliated, turning and shoving at him. He caught her hands and the two push-pulled for a while before Eli finally let her win, both of them grinning foolishly at each other before the smiles faded away.

  After a moment, Eli pulled her into an awkward sitting hug. At first, she was stiff as usual, but it was like something in her suddenly let go. Like fractured porcelain she shattered, crumpling into him and clinging in a way she never had before. She was painfully quiet as her breaths stuttered and her body heaved. The whole time Eli held her. And if perhaps his shoulder was a little wetter than before she’d burrowed into it, who could say?

  After a while she pulled away, wiped her eyes with the back of her hand, stood abruptly, and nodded toward the room. “I’ll go change,” she said, voice just a little too bright to be believable.

  Eli watched her disappear behind the door. He stayed seated, palms pressed to the floor, eyes closed. He banged his head against the door behind him. Once, twice, harder the third time, then click. The other door was pushed open, and a maid’s face peered around before landing on Eli. He watched her find him sitting on the floor and just stared up at her through the crack. Her eyebrows rose for only a second before she settled her expression again.

  “Young lord, is everything well?”

  “All well, thank you.” Eli responded with a tight, smile.

  “Of course, call if you need anything,” she continued. Eli nodded his head in dismissal and the moment the door closed he pressed his hands to his temples, before clamoring to his feet.

  Staring at the closed chamber door, Eli remembered the vow. Pinkies locked, promise twisted.

  Forever.

  He exhaled.

  When Aria returned in her old clothes, she looked smaller again, like she’d put ill-fitting armour back on, and was shrinking beneath its weight.

  They walked together to the edge of the keep. Eli didn’t offer grand speeches, or pleas. He didn’t tell her what he was thinking or burden her with his own desires. He simply stayed beside her until she stepped beyond the gates and turned toward her house in town.

  Aria looked back once. Eli nodded once. Then she was off. Eli turned back to the keep and steeled himself. It seemed today was a day for heavy conversations. Aware he’d kept his parent’s waiting more than long enough; he dashed towards his home at speed.