Finals are over. I think I probably got straight A's, which I never did in high school. I enjoy the classes here so much more. Of course, being much happier here than I ever was at home might help.

  I'm 99% sure I'm going to major in history. I haven't declared yet, though. Mostly because I know Dr. Aines will be smug and silly about it. He deserves to be, since he got me interested in it. But I don't feel like dealing with that right now.

  Now it's the beginning of Winter Break, and I kind of don't want to go home. That's hilarious since I was counting the days until Winter Break when the semester began, and now here I am sad about going home. Luckily I'm not going home for the whole break.

  Today is December 17th and I'm going home on the 21st. My mom is still in rehab, but gets out December 22nd. She sounds like she's doing really well there which makes me very happy. I feel less stressed about her already and I'm excited to see her, even if I'll miss Kay.

  It's been about six weeks since Kay and I started our ‘very close friendship,’ and things are going pretty well with us.

  She is still using crutches for her knee, but only has to for one more week. She might be able to play again by the very end of the season. The team has struggled some without her, losing about half their games. They have won the last three though, since switching to a smaller, faster starting line up. J.J. has started those three games and played great.

  Ever since our talk a few weeks ago, Kay is doing a lot better about not being able to play. She isn't one to brag, but J.J. has told me that she has become like an extra assistant coach at practice and in the weight room, and the head coach is thrilled about it because she's doing such a good job mentoring and motivating the other girls.

  She always travels with the team on the road, and I feel a little lonely when she does, but I know that she's really enjoying herself. Almost as much as when she is playing. And I shouldn't keep her all to myself anyway.

  Kay and I are snuggling in my bed right now and it's pretty heavenly. It's December in South Dakota, so it's absolutely glacial outside. That makes these cozy snuggles even better.

  I'm lying on my back and she's on her side with her arm around my waist and her head on my shoulder. I'm lightly stroking her hair.

  That is, until Kay decides to bring something up that ruins the mood entirely.

  “You know how you feel way better about your mom now that you two have talked about her drinking?”

  Ugh, I know where this is going.

  I reply, “Yeah…”

  “Well…it makes me really happy that you feel better about that whole situation. I think…you'd feel the same if you talked with your dad.”

  I scoff and roll over dramatically, “It's not the same. What my dad did is way more fu -....” I stop myself, substituting a less profane word for Kay's sake, “… messed up. My mom only ended up that way because of him.”

  She scoots closer and puts her arms around me. I want to escape her hold to show her how annoyed I am, but then she nuzzles her nose into the back of my neck and I relax completely. She hasn't done this before.

  It feels…really nice any time she finds a new way to show me affection. She might not want to kiss or do other stuff but…this is pretty damn intimate.

  She quietly says, “I know it's not the same. And you don't even have to forgive him. But it would be good to talk, wouldn't it?”

  Is she secretly a mastermind? Her little nuzzle completely annihilated my bad mood and now I can't say no to her.

  I sigh, “I guess. I'll see if he's ready to talk about it. Maybe .”

  Another nose nuzzle on the back of my neck disarms me again, “Don't worry. He's ready. I talked to him about it.”

  “You…did?”

  She laughs and then nuzzles me again, “Yep. He told me he's ready to talk about it whenever.”

  She's definitely a mastermind.

  I'm at my dad's house. It's just the two of us, sitting across from each other at the dining room table. We both have a steaming cup of Mexican hot chocolate in front of us. Spicy and chocolate go so well together, so I'm enjoying the drink.

  But…we've just been awkwardly sitting in silence for several minutes. I'm starting to worry that we need Kay around to even function. Maybe we should try again with her around.

  But then my dad says, “I want you to know that I loved your mother. I think…I still do. I’ve never really stopped missing her. Or regretting what I did.”

  I cross my arms and roll my eyes, “Yeah? Then maybe you shouldn't have fucked some other woman.”

  He crosses his arms and shakes his head, “Can we at least keep this a little civil? I cheated on your mother. It was a terrible thing to do. I understand I hurt you both, and I wish I could take it back, but please speak to me like I’m your father.”

  I want to blow up at him for a split second. Tell him he doesn't deserve to be treated that way because of what he did.

  But then…I imagine the gentle and encouraging smile Kay would give me if she were here, and let go of my anger.

  I sigh, “Fine. Sorry. You’re right. I just got pissed off. Like always. I'll…keep it in check.” I take a deep breath to steady myself, “Just…how could you love mom and do that to her?”

  He sighs, “I don't know.”

  “You're going to need to do better than that, Dad. You must know. If you really regret it all, you must have thought about it.”

  “You're right.” He sighs, “I was at kind of a low point in my life.” He laughs wryly, “Or…so I thought. Turns out it got a lot lower.”

  “Why did you feel that way? You had a family and a good job.”

  “Yeah, I did.” He starts to stir his cocoa, causing more steam to come billowing out, “But look…when we moved here, it was just supposed to be for a short time. I'd use this school as a jumping off point to get a job somewhere bigger and better. Somewhere…on the east coast, I always promised your mom that's where we would end up.”

  I frown, “Oh.”

  “Yep. And your mom never complained, to her credit. Not outwardly. But…I knew she wasn't happy here. Her family is out there. She had way better job opportunities out there too. She didn't like her job at the university mental health clinic that much. She wanted to work with kids.”

  He frowns and looks down, “Any time I applied for a job or had an interview in New England, she would light up with excitement. But…try as a might, it turns out bigger universities didn't want me. I applied for almost 100 jobs, had interviews on campus for 20 of them…but never got any of them. Telling your mom after each of those…that I didn't get the job. It…wore me down.”

  That's…so much rejection.

  He closes his eyes, takes a deep breath and takes a drink of his cocoa. He puts it down and continues.

  “That made me feel like a professional failure. But I felt like a failure personally too, because I let down your mom. I had…a very low opinion of myself. It made it hard for me to face her. To be with her. It wasn't anything she did, it was how I felt about myself.”

  “That…sounds really hard. I had no idea.”

  He nods and smiles at me, “Good thing Kara bullied us into talking, huh?”

  I laugh, “Yeah. So…I get all that. You felt bad about yourself and like a failure. How does…what's-her-name enter the picture?”

  He raised his eyebrows, “Are you sure you want those details?”

  “Yeah. I do. I'm trying to understand. I'll…stay calm,” I chuckle, “Probably.”

  He hesitates for a moment but then says, “Well…she was a new professor here, and we just met and hit it off. We were in the same field, and she knew my work. She was…effusive with praise for how I taught, how I wrote, my research methods. It was what I needed to hear. That I wasn't a f-failure.”

  My dad starts to get choked up. It's the first time I've ever seen that. He starts clearing his throat in an effort to keep his tears at bay.

  I move to the chair next to him and scoot closer to him, before giving him a hug. It's our first hug since that day I caught him cheating on my mom. The first hug between father and daughter in 10 years.

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  “Just cry, if you need to, okay? You don't have to be manly in front of me.”

  He hugs me back, “A-anyway. She made me feel good about myself. The opposite of how I felt around your mother. So I started spending more time with her at work, and then we saw each other after work, a-and then it became…physical. I’m s-so s-s-sorry, Emily…” He starts to sob, almost like a child would, gasping for air and making high pitched hiccup-like sounds. I hold him tighter as I start to cry too.

  I thought this whole time that my dad was just an asshole playboy. But it's way more complicated than that. It certainly doesn't excuse cheating on my mom, and he knows that. He should have told my mom he felt like a failure. They should have talked about it. It’s on him that they didn't.

  But I can better understand how he ended up making this mistake. And…

  “I forgive you.”

  He pulls away from me and wipes his tears, “Y-you do?”

  “I do. It was a long time ago. And you regret it. It’s…about time.”

  He nods, “Th-thank you.”

  “Do you…still think you're a failure?”

  He shrugs, “I feel better about myself professionally now than I did then. I really love the university here. I got a book published by a major press. So…that part of my life is going really well.”

  He folds his hands and looks down at them, “But…I also destroyed my family. I made my wife and daughter flee across the country from me. I made you hate me. And I was left all alone because of my own stupid mistakes. So…even if I don’t feel like a professional failure anymore, I’m still a failure in all the ways that matter.”

  I sniffle, “I…never hated you, dad.”

  “You didn’t? But you never talk to me. Even when you came to visit, you just locked yourself in your room. And when we did talk you would just yell at me.”

  I shake my head, “I have been pissed at you for 10 years, but it was never hate .” I sigh, “I…probably should have been more…forgiving, though.”

  He laughs, “You were 9 when this all started. The onus wasn’t on you.”

  “I guess that’s true…but I still feel like I shouldn’t have shut you out so much. Especially seeing how much you hurt. I…I had no idea.”

  I nod, “Of course. Kay was right…we both needed this.”

  I'm surprised to see a little smirk on my dad's face, “Can I ask you something kind of personal?”

  “U-um…sure?”

  “Is Kara your girlfriend?”

  I laugh awkwardly and scratch the back of my head, “Why do you ask?”

  “Well…every time I see you two, it seems like there's something extra between you.”

  “Extra?”

  “Yeah. Something other than friendship. Am I wrong?”

  “You're…not wrong…not exactly, at least.”

  He smiles, “So she's your girlfriend?”

  I shake my head, “Kind of. We say we are ‘very close friends.’ I have feelings for her. And she knows. And she has like…sort of romantic feelings for me, but it's not quite the same as how I feel. I’m like…special to her. And…we do some couple stuff.” I feel my face flush, “L-like hold hands and snuggle. And sleep together - literally, I mean. Not the other kind.”

  Unsurprisingly, my father looks confused, “Oh. She's not sure about her feelings but wants to do those things?”

  “I wouldn't say she's unsure. She is sure. She just feels stuff differently. She feels…a really deep connection with me. Just like I do for her. But she says she doesn't feel…attraction. She never has for anyone.”

  My dad nods and says “Oh. She's asexual,” like it's the most obvious thing in the world.

  “A…sexual?”

  My dad nods, “It's a more recently acknowledged orientation. It means she doesn’t feel attraction or desire sex.”

  “H-how do you know about this?”

  He laughs, “I'm a sociologist, Emily.”

  “Well yeah but like…you teach Criminology. And your book is about prison gangs.”

  He nods, “That's true, but I keep up with other areas of Sociology, too.”

  I scratch my head, “So she's…asexual.” I smile, “I think she'll be happy to know that there's a word for it. She thinks she's the only person who feels that way.”

  He nods, “She definitely isn't.”

  I fidget in my chair, “Can…someone who is asexual…love someone else? Like…romantically?”

  “I'm definitely not an expert. But as I understand it, they can. Attraction is only one part of love and romance, after all.”

  I nod, mulling over what he said, “That's good to know. That maybe she'll love me one day.”

  Without hesitation my dad says, “I think she already does.”

  “Really?”

  He nods seriously, “Yes. She takes your happiness very seriously, as I learned a few months back when she lectured me. And she bullied us into finally talking about the past for a reason.”

  I smile, “Yeah. I do think I may ask her…about calling our relationship something else. Like…I just want to say she's my girlfriend. Just calling her my ‘very close friend’ doesn't feel like enough. I'm a little worried I'll scare her away, though. I don't want to disrupt what we have.”

  “Well, as we've just discussed I'm not the best person to get relationship advice from. But…I think you're special to her. So, even if she isn't ready to be your girlfriend, I don't think she's going to dump you for bringing it up, either.”

  I take a deep breath and exhale, “Yeah. You're right. I needed to hear that. Also, thanks for being a cool dad who hasn't even batted an eye at his daughter being gay.”

  He laughs, “I'm a cultured man, Emily. Do you really think I would be opposed? I haven't lived here that long.”

  “Well, no , not opposed. But it would be understandable if you were surprised. But then…mom wasn't either. And a couple of friends figured it out before I did.” I laugh wryly, “I think I might be the only person on the planet who didn't know I was gay.”

  …

  It's the afternoon. I just got back from my dad's. And I'm just entering my dorm. Kay is up in my room. I need to talk to her now about this before I lose my courage.

  Mere seconds after I enter the building, I hear J.J.’s familiar voice, “You look really nervous.”

  I sigh and turn towards the voice and I'm not surprised at all when I see J.J. and Ashley.

  Ashley has been here for a few days, ever since her Winter Break started. J.J. has to stay here for the first few days of Winter Break, because they have a basketball game on the 19th.

  The two of them are playing pool. I have watched them a few times. It's entertaining. They get pretty into it and are super competitive with one another.

  It's a challenge claiming the pool table in the athletic dorms, but I told them no one ever seems to be using the one in my dorm. So I have seen them in the lobby a lot lately. The lobby is especially deserted today, as only a handful of students are still on campus.

  The two of them have paused their game and are both studying me.

  “That's because I am nervous.”

  Ashley smiles, “Ooo. Sounds juicy .”

  I roll my eyes, “Glad my emotional distress is entertaining you.”

  She laughs, “Sorry.”

  “It's fine.” I look around the lobby, confirming it's deserted then turn back to my two friends. I still speak in a low voice, just in case, “I'm going to ask Kay if we can start saying ‘we're dating’ and calling each other ‘girlfriend.’”

  Ashley looks apologetic, “Well get up there and do it! That way we can start calling our outings ‘double dates.’”

  J.J. shakes her head as she leans on her pool stick, “Not cool, babe. Are you really making this about you?”

  Ashley sighs, “Maybe. Kind of.” She looks down with her arms behind her back, “Sorry, Emily. I just…I know you're together. But I want you two to be able to say you're a couple, too. For you two. Not just for me!”

  I laugh, “I know what you mean. Don't worry. Alright, I'm gonna head up there and do it.”

  J.J. nods, “Good luck.”

  …

  “How did it go?”

  I just got back to my room. Kay just let me in the door.

  I am a little confused by the first question she asks me.

  Oh yeah. My talk with my dad. I was so focused on having this conversation with Kay that I sort of forgot. That's pretty amazing given how important our conversation was.

  I close the door behind me, “He…told me everything. I kind of get why he made his mistake, and he understands why I've been so upset with him. And like…it feels like a weight has been lifted. We had a really good heart-to-heart afterwards.” I take her hand and smile up at her, “Thank you so much for helping me get to this point. I don't think it would have ever happened without you.”

  Kay claps her hands together and gives me one of her big, beautiful smiles. And then something unexpected happens. Something very unexpected. She leans over and puts her lips on mine.

  Completely stunned, I leave my eyes wide open at first. But then, I close them and push my lips against hers too. After a few seconds, she pulls away with a bright red face.

  I smile up at her, “I…thought you didn't want to kiss.”

  “I…wanted to try again. Because I know you want to. It seemed like a good time for one because I was so happy about how things went with your dad. And the other time I was too startled to really know if I liked it.”

  “And?”

  She smiles and touches her lips, “It…was nice.”

  I give her a big smile and gesture for her to sit down, since she's on her crutches. We sit down on the bed, where I give her a tight squeeze, “It really was nice. I like all the stuff we've been doing but…kissing too adds like…this new thing we do, now that we're-”

  “Now that we're what?”

  Shit, I'm getting ahead of myself.

  I remember what my dad said earlier.

  Jeez this is probably the first time I've ever followed my dad's advice. Let's hope it isn't a mistake.

  I lock eyes with her, “Um…Kay…h-how do you feel about us being…girlfriends? And…s-saying we're dating. You know, like Ashley and J.J. Um…nothing has to change. Just what we call each other."

  She forrows her brow for what feels like an agonizingly long time. But at the very least she doesn't look scared or anything. And she's seriously considering my proposal. That's all I can ask for.

  Then she smiles and matter-of-factly says, “Okay. You're my girlfriend.”

  My heart skips a beat. Maybe two.

  “R-really?”

  She nods and lays back. Elated, I snuggle into the side of her chest. She puts her arm around me.

  “Since you told me about your feelings and we got…closer, I've thought about things. How I feel about you…it's unique. It's not how I feel about my parents or friends. I realized that…I'm in love with you.”

  I'm so stunned and overjoyed by her statement that I'm silent. But then I notice she's looking at me and waiting for something. And she even looks a little nervous.

  I admitted to myself a long time ago that I was in love with her. I sort of forgot I hadn't said those words to her, though. I wasn't sure if I should. But I am now.

  “I love you too, Kay.”

  She smiles, “I don't think we feel love exactly the same way. Because…we feel things differently. My heart doesn't pound like you say yours does. But I know I want to be around you more than anyone else. And you make me so happy. And I want you to be happy. And I like touching you. And…when you touch me.”

  As if on cue I put my hand on her leg and she laughs.

  Kay smiles, and leans in for another brief kiss. I reluctantly break the kiss this time, because I realize I forgot to tell her what I learned today. And it’s kind of important.

  “Oh. Actually…about how you feel…differently than me. I learned something today.”

  She knits her eyebrows, “You…what?”

  I laugh, “My dad asked about you after we had our talk. He picked up on there being something between us so I told him about us.”

  She nods, still looking confused.

  “Well, he said there is an orientation called ‘asexual,’ where a person still feels love and romantic feelings, but not the sexual attraction part. I-I guess I'm saying…you're not alone, and you're not ‘messed up.’”

  She smiles, “That's kind of nice to know. That there's a name for it. But you already helped me see that there's nothing wrong with me. And then J.J. and my parents, and Ashley too. None of you thought I was messed up. So I don't worry too much about it anymore.”

  I smile ear to ear, “I'm glad you feel that way now.” I sigh happily as I look into her gorgeous blue eyes, “I'm so glad you're my girlfriend.”

  I roll over and ask her to hold me. When she does. She nuzzles the back of my neck with her nose. Which is apparently her new move, and I am all for it.

  I feel myself start to drift off to a nice afternoon nap with my girlfriend’s arms around me, feeling the happiest I've ever felt.

  I know that we probably have some hurdles in front of us. Kay will probably never want to do some of the most intimate things that couples usually do. Things that I will probably want to do one day. But she has boundaries and I'm going to respect them.

  I'm sure that respect will be a struggle sometimes.

  But no matter what, I know we'll both try our absolute hardest to make each other happy. I know we’ll try our hardest to stay together. We lost each other once for far too long. It won't happen again.

  I open up my eyes and look at the sign from the treehouse above my bed, before closing my eyes and smiling to myself.

  After all, we're the Alphabet Girls.

  That does it for the Alphabet Girls for now! Thanks for reading it.

  I hope you enjoyed it.

  I really enjoyed writing it. It was a super personal story for me. Everything I write has a little bit of me in it, of course, but this story had much more of me in it than any other.

  While it’s not entirely an autobiography, many aspects of Em’s story and character come directly from my life. My freshman year in college really was in 2006 (yes, I’m old) at a small regional university I didn’t want to go to, and I hated it at first, but I ended up really liking it in the end, partly as a result of a really good history professor who was also a sports announcer, and partly as a result of falling in love with an athletic girl who became my first girlfriend.

  The most autobiographical thing in this story is Em's parents, though. About 90% of the story of Em’s parents and her relationship with them is based directly on my life.

  As with Em, my parents got divorced when my father cheated on my mother (luckily I wasn’t the one who caught them in the act like Em was). It took me a very long time to forgive my father for that. I refused to talk to him and blew up in his face all the time. My parents moved across the country from one another afterward.

  My mother became an alcoholic in the wake of the divorce. So I learned to take care of myself and her when I was 9. I taught myself to make coffee, cook, do laundry, etc., because my mother simply wasn’t capable of those things. I was embarrassed to ever have anyone over at my house and distanced myself from people. Even today, I hate everything about alcohol and don’t even like being around it.

  My mom’s also a well-regarded child therapist who wasn’t a very good parent because of her drinking. That bit of irony probably sounded a little over-the-top, but it’s based on a real person! Everything with the workplace finding out about her drinking happened to my mom too.

  On the bright side, when I came out, my parents were just as accepting and encouraging about it as Em’s were and my mom has now been sober for 17+ years! I’m also very glad that I patched things up with my dad, because he passed away less than a decade after I did.

  Em's relationship with Kay isn't autobiographical though, for the most part. The only thing she really has in common with my first girlfriend is the athlete part (but they didn't play the same sport) and encouraging me to patch things up with my parents.

  I do have future plans for these characters. Ultimately, I'd like for this to be “Year One,” with three more web novels of a similar length for each other year in college, and each of them will be a different POV. After all, there are three other main characters.

  My dream is to make it all into a visual novel some day. I’m currently in the process of learning Ren’Py, but my work schedule and writing addiction makes it hard for me to find the time to learn coding.

  I'm going to take a break from these characters for a little while though, and let things marinate. But expect more in the future!