Volume 4 Chapter 1: Sweet Dew, No Worries

  When I arrived at Ganlu Temple, it was already late in the afternoon. The Ganlu Temple, built on the outskirts of Beijing, is the first Buddhist temple of the Great Zhou Dynasty. It was constructed on a mountain peak with layered rocks and towering peaks, its halls and pavilions majestic and grand, with flying eaves and carved brackets, extremely magnificent and resplendent.

  As soon as the carriage came down, it was blown by the mountain wind, and my body felt a bit cool. Lan Bi and Xi Zhen quickly packed up their luggage and jumped off the carriage, one on each side holding me. Xi Zhen said softly, "The October mountain wind is already cold, you've just given birth, don't catch a chill."

  Since she left the palace, she no longer called me "Your Majesty", fearing that I would be heartbroken and worried. Also, because of her ambiguous identity, she temporarily just called me "Madam". As they spoke, they had already draped a cloak over my shoulders.

  The setting sun was about to fall, half-hanging on the opposite steep mountain wall, a bloody wheel that seemed to ooze blood, reflecting the sky in a burning and scorching manner, making people's hearts feel suffocated. The vast twilight mist gradually spread out, the colors of the surrounding mountains also became somewhat somber, the ancient temple hidden among the towering pines, the bell tolls faintly, the incense smoke wafts gently, which made the sinking heart slightly settle.

  "I said quietly: 'The evening drum and morning bell, our future days will be like this.'"

  Just as the three of us were looking around, two young nuns came out to greet us, looked us up and down a few times, and asked: "Are these several people from inside the palace? The abbot has already instructed us to bring several people in."

  I slightly bowed and supported Lingbi and Qingshui as we followed them. After passing by the main hall and side halls of Ganlu Temple, we walked for a while before seeing several low and humble houses. They led us in and said: "This is where you will be staying later, first put down your luggage and rest for a moment."

  The bungalow was low and short, but it was quite refreshing inside. There was a large bed in the house, a table and chairs, and a large water jug in the corner of the wall, very simple.

  The two little nuns said: "Please follow us to the main hall again. The abbot and other masters are all waiting."

  "Thanks for your trouble."

  In the grand hall, incense sticks were lit, and the fragrance wafted through the air, the scent of sandalwood was extremely strong. I had just given birth two days ago, and couldn't quite tolerate this pungent smell, so I suppressed a cough twice. Although there were many people in the hall, it was extremely quiet. Upon hearing my two coughs, they all turned their faces towards me. The first nun's facial expression was actually kind, and she said to me: "You've arrived."

  I felt embarrassed and quickly walked forward. She pointed to the cushion on the ground, I knew it was for me to kneel down, so I knelt down, and Gan Bi and Xi Zhen also hurriedly followed suit.

  She only heard her and Yan Yuese say: "The imperial decree from the palace, this noble person is to be tonsured and cultivate. Although it can be said that way, once entering the empty gate, the precepts must be observed." Then she chattered on about the rules and regulations, saying: "I am a poor nun with the dharma name Jing'an, and I am the abbess of this temple. Since you have entered the temple, you will naturally have to distance yourself from worldly dust and can no longer use your former title as a noble person in the palace. I have taken a dharma name for you." She paused for a moment, saying: "You will follow my disciples' generation with the character 'Mo'. She let out a faint sigh, "There is a hint of melancholy between your eyebrows, so let's call you 'Mo Chou'."

  Don't be anxious, that doesn't seem like the Dharma name a Bhikkhuni should use. However, I also didn't dare to raise an objection, and only silently responded. But in my heart, anxiety suddenly arose.

  I still remember when I was a kid, following my brother to the study room to read books. On a sweltering summer day that made people feel dizzy and drowsy, our teacher Mr. Xi specifically lectured on the tedious "Four Books" and "Five Classics", and then said something like: "The 300 poems in 'Shi Jing', think without evil... The oriole sings in the river islet, explaining the virtues of imperial consorts... Young ladies are the precious daughters of a thousand pieces of gold in the boudoir, must remember this..."

  I murmured "uh-huh" and nodded honestly, while the husband's whiskers in front of me swayed back and forth, making my eyes dizzy and almost putting me to sleep.

  Under the grape arbor in summer, bright and translucent sunlight trickles down through the leaves bit by bit, casting round and semicircular white shadows all over the ground, like a layer of unfused snowflakes.

  The summer days are so long, almost as if they would never end. The cicadas' chirping sounds seem to be competing with the daytime hours, seeing who can last longer and make people more tired. After waking up from a nap, my mind is already clear, but my eyes don't want to open. Under the small window, there are crisp and gentle laughter of the young ladies, it must be Liuxiu and Huibi playing with grass, or maybe Bi'er, teasing the little servant while catching crickets, or piecing together a puzzle.

  My brother somehow came in, laughing and holding a book to knock on my head, "Still pretending to sleep, look what good thing I brought for you." What good thing, just a collection of poems from the Northern and Southern Dynasties. My brother laughed: "The teacher's class is so boring, not to mention you're a girl, even I feel sleepy listening to it. This volume of palace poetry was hard to come by, take a good look - just don't let mom know, dad spoils you, but if mom finds out, you'll definitely get a lecture."

  So I treasured it like a precious gem, hiding it from my mother, and only sneaking a peek at one or two poems before bed, understanding half of it, but still getting infatuated, as if the words were fragrant incense, repeating them day and night. In the morning, Flowing Vermilion teased me again: "Miss is reading books until she's gone mad, last night she was talking in her sleep, saying something about 'The Girl from Luoyang named Mo Xiu'. Mo Xiu? Does Miss know this girl from Luoyang?"

  Scarlet, scarlet, as if her voice and smile were still by my side, still speaking those witty words with a sharp tongue. She died so unjustly, I only need to think about it for a moment, and my heart starts to ache again.

  Yes, Luoyang daughter's name is Mo Xiu. It's a sentence from "Mo Xiu Song" ②, that year, I loved this song the most.

  The water in the river flows east,

  The daughter of Luoyang is named Mo Chou.

  Mo Chou was skilled at weaving silk at thirteen,

  At fourteen she picked mulberry leaves on the southern slope.

  At fifteen she married into the Lu family,

  At sixteen she gave birth to a son named Ah Hou.

  The Lu family's house had a lan room with cassia beams,

  In the middle were planted jasmine and fragrant herbs.

  On her head were twelve rows of golden hairpins,

  Under her feet were five-colored silk shoes.

  A coral pendant hung from her mirror, shining brightly,

  A slave boy held up her shoe box.

  What more could one wish for in life's riches and honors?

  Regrettably, she did not marry into the Wang family of the east.

  Meizhuang was most familiar with "Nü Ze" and "Nü Xun", but she didn't care much about poetry. At this time, she would sit by the window, wholeheartedly embroidering a silk screen with patterns of "Five Blessings Holding Longevity" or "Jade Hall as Desired". The bright silk threads shone like clouds, making her face look even more dignified and composed. She was only twelve years old, but had already developed the quiet and elegant demeanor that a young lady from a good family should have. After all, Father spoiled me too much, indulging my temperament to be so arrogant.

  She listened slowly, and gave me a faint smile. That smile was like a white lotus suddenly blooming in a pool of emerald green water, its jade-like radiance standing out above the ripples, shining brightly and unstoppable.

  She put down her needle and thread, washed her hands, and said: "I didn't quite understand what I heard, but I think Mo Xiu's fate is really good. She has many talents, her husband is a wealthy and noble son, and at the age of 16, she gave birth to a child, naturally establishing her position in her husband's family, with servants and maids like clouds, rich and extraordinary." Mei Zhuang smiled slightly: "With such circumstances, it is already the best destination for women in the world. Xuan Er, if you and I have Mo Xiu's circumstances in the future, we shouldn't have any extravagant hopes either."

  Yes, at that time, all the hopes in the boudoir were just to get a loving husband, and a lifetime of peace and wealth would be enough.

  However, Mei Zhuang's beautiful eyebrows slightly furrowed, "I just don't understand, Mo Xiang's life is so good, what else can she be dissatisfied with? 'A life of wealth and nobility, what more could one wish for, regret not marrying into the Wang family of the East', she really shouldn't have such a sigh."

  Don't worry, don't worry, I said with a smile: "Although Mo Chou married into wealth and nobility, throughout the whole story, there's no mention of how her husband is extraordinary or how he loves and respects her. If she were to encounter an unworthy husband, one who doesn't love her, then even with all the wealth and luxury, she would still be just a lonely woman in a wealthy family. Having given birth to a son and having the title of legitimate wife, what's there to be happy about?

  Mei Zhuang sighed softly and said, "That's also true. Wealth and nobility have their own helplessness, each with their own sorrows."

  I learned a line from an opera and sang it out: "Alas, the beauty of human life is always imperfect. Even if one can hold up the tray with eyebrows aligned, in the end, it's hard to calm the mind."

  Meizhuang exclaimed, "Ah!", got up and made a gesture to hit me: "This girl's family, reading idle poems and singing those nonsense plays, not even half the demeanor of a lady, what will become of her?"

  I dodged behind the screen with a spin, laughing and saying: "Sister Mei, spare me this time, I just wanted to have some fun." My throat was itchy from laughing, and I repeatedly said: "I'm not saying this to make fun of you, sister."

  Meizhuang Zhengyi straightened her clothes, proudly saying: "This is natural, my future husband will definitely be outstanding, we must grow old together." After speaking, even the corners of her eyes turned red as if she were drunk.

  At that time, Mei Zhuang was so proud and confident, with a spirited air about her. Her eyes shone brightly, like a beautiful jade bamboo shoot emerging from the dust. She was completely unlike the Shen Yue who now lived in seclusion at Cuiju Hall.

  I was in a daze, but I remembered the day I left the palace, Mei Zhuang stood inside the red wall, seeing me off to the end of the road. The concern and reminder that lingered on my mind now only brought a desolate shadow, standing alone under the umbrella of Wen Shi Chu.

  In the palace, where years flowed away like a river, amidst endless disputes and struggles, Mei Zhuang had never truly experienced happiness.

  It's as if it were still those days when I was newly favored. The maid helped me up, weak and delicate, just like when I first received imperial favor.

  Those young and vigorous years were indulged by the king's favor, originally did not know the taste of sorrow.

  I don't know which morning it was, roughly the seventh day after Feng Luan Chun's carriage took me to the east chamber of Yi Yuandian. That day I overslept and got up later than usual. When I woke up, I saw Xuan Ling sitting on the couch with a smile, staring at me. I couldn't help but be surprised, wondering how he had finished his court duties so early.

  He leaned back and lay down, saying with a smile: "My dear, you sleep well. As for this beautiful spring sleeping picture, how can I bear to leave it? Facing those officials who always have a stern expression is forever."

  I was both startled and ashamed, saying: "Is this all right? How can the affairs of a humble servant like myself compare to the importance of Your Majesty's state affairs? It would be better for Your Majesty to hurry off to court."

  Xuan Ling slowly let out a yawn, his index finger gently stroking my cheek, smiling: "It's rare to have a day off, so let's just consider it a relaxing day for the ministers too. I'll also steal a day of leisure." I was about to persuade him again when his index finger covered my lips: "You just sleep quietly like this. The morning court... anyway, the time has already passed, and even if I rush there now, it's too late, so let's just forget it."

  I had no choice but to stop talking and lie quietly in his arms. At that time, spring was warm and flowers were blooming, the vermilion carved window with a lattice pattern on the east room was half open, and the gentle breeze carried the hazy fragrance of flowers slowly drifting in, like a pair of jade hands from a woman's home, lightly lifting the heavy silk curtains, as if I was in a fantasy world. A gust of wind passed, and the cherry blossoms outside the palace scattered and fell like rain, pieces of red petals danced far away, reflecting on the light and thin transparent silk curtains, with shadows that were hazy like smoke.

  As I raised my head, I met Xuan Ling's deep and passionate gaze. His eyes seemed to see only me, as if the entire world had silently sunk into the depths.

  However, Fang Ruo knocked on the door with a serious expression and said that there was an urgent report.

  Xuan Ling was impatient, but had no choice but to go, so he smiled at me and said: "It's all Li Zhang's fault for not instructing those servants properly beforehand, so they don't even know a single sentence."

  I was puzzled for a moment, and curiosity arose, so I asked: "What is it?"

  Xuan Ling smiled somewhat awkwardly, "When Guan Yu did not report the invasion at dawn, he newly obtained a letter from Diaochan, no worries."

  I blushed even more, lightly spat out a mouthful, and lowered my head to say: "Your Majesty is being improper, teasing people like this."

  Such good times will ultimately be just an illusion after all.

  Nowadays, I can only sigh and say: How can being a ruler for four generations compare to the Lu family having no worries?

  Even if Mo Xuan's lifelong love is just a lingering thought, at least she can live out her days in peace, accompanied by her children and family. But I, on the other hand, have misused my emotions, causing my family to be broken and destroyed, unable to ensure the safety of my parents and brothers until old age, and even my only daughter cannot be by my side. It's truly that not even Mo Xuan's slim chance is comparable to mine!

  Until now, I sit in front of the mirror with a worried expression, sleep at night with worries and wake up still worried. It's really time for me to comfort myself by saying "don't worry".

  She gazed blankly, then looked at the two maids behind me, Hu Bi and Gan Cai, and said: "People in the Empty Gate should not have attendants, but since it was decreed in the palace to let you follow the precedent of Shu Gui Fei..." She hastily corrected herself: "I mean, following the precedent of Qing Xian Sheng, then let these two maids follow you as well and cultivate together."

  Huan Bi and Gan Tai's faces showed a hint of joy, and they immediately responded. I looked up to see that the main hall was not enshrined with the Buddha or Guanyin, but rather a massive statue of Dizang Bodhisattva. In front of the Buddha was placed a large stone incense burner, engraved with the three characters "Tian Gu Dou". On the right side of the stone bed below the furnace was engraved "Fu Sheng Gan Lu Di, Shou Qi Yu Jian Tian", and on the left side was engraved "Long Qing Shi Nian Dong Ji Dan Li".

  The golden Buddha statue shines brightly in the clear light of the candles, its precious appearance is even more majestic. My heart suddenly stirred, thinking of the newborn moon, and I was deeply aware of the suffering that had not yet ceased. Softly, I said: "All living beings must be saved before one can attain enlightenment; as long as hell is not empty, I vow not to become a Buddha. If I do not enter hell, who will? The Bodhisattva's Buddhist teachings are indeed profound and far-reaching."

  She gazed at me quietly, took a jade vase from beside her, dipped her hand into the vase and fetched out some dew to drop onto my forehead, saying: "Shakyamuni once said 'I preach the sweet nectar of pure Dharma for all', the sweet nectar can dispel worldly sorrows. You are already outside the red dust, your troubles can be completely abandoned."

  Her tone was sorrowful, her expression kind, as if she could see my helplessness. I nodded slightly, also understanding in my heart. She pointed to a stout nun beside her and said: "This is my fellow disciple, Dharma name Jingbai, who is in charge of all the daily chores in the temple. If you need anything in the future, just look for her."

  Having thus spoken, he dispersed.

  At night, the wind was strong and made a "whooshing" sound on the paper window. I sat in a chair, mending clothes under the light of an oil lamp.

  I said lightly: "There's nothing good to pick up, just a few sets of spare clothes, and from now on I'll wear this gray robe until old age."

  Qingyu didn't say a word, but Huanbi smiled and said: "Miss's Dharma name is really special. Mo Chou doesn't seem like an ordinary Dharma name, it sounds more like the name of a young lady from a boudoir."

  I said, "The abbot just wants to remind me that since I've entered the empty gate, I shouldn't think about the worries and troubles of the mundane world anymore." I muttered to myself, "Not as good as the Lu family having no worries? It's really 'unforeseen in this life, at rest in the next'."

  "Miss, what did you say?"

  I smiled indifferently, "Nothing. From now on, the most important thing for me to do is to pray day and night, hoping that my father and brothers in the north of the river and the palace's Meng Yue can live a peaceful life forever. This is also my only wish."

  Feng Qing gently bit her lower lip and softly said: "This is also the only wish of this slave."

  I quietly listened to the wind, the mountain wind and the palace wind are different. The palace wind is warm and beautiful, but it has a cold and eerie feeling. The mountain wind, on the other hand, is loud and clear. I sat for a long time, and suddenly my body felt a chill, my abdomen started to ache, like a small gray snake spitting out icy venom. Yu Bi saw that my face didn't look good, and hurriedly came forward saying: "Miss, what's wrong? Your complexion looks terrible."

  Hearing the commotion, she hastily put down what was in her hand and rushed forward, saying: "The young lady has just given birth to a child, and there is still residual blood on her body that hasn't been cleaned up. Today, after another round of traveling by horse-drawn carriage, I'm afraid it's not good for her." She anxiously said: "The water on the stove hasn't boiled yet, we need to find some brown sugar to mix with hot water and have her drink it down."

  I was anxious and had to force myself, barely managing to say: "Where did this red sugar come from all of a sudden? I'll just endure it for now."

  "Troubles during the month of confinement should not be taken lightly, or they may lead to lifelong illnesses." She got up and said, "I'll go ask the girls next door for some help to get through this."

  She said that I should wear this cloak and go out, but Huan Bi hurriedly helped me onto the bed and covered me with several layers of quilts. My heart was anxious, as life in the temple couldn't compare to life in the palace. My body hadn't fully recovered yet, and instead, I had dragged down both Xi Chao and Huan Bi, who were taking care of me everywhere I went. Thinking this way made my stomach ache even more.

  It wasn't long before the door creaked open, and it was probably Shui Yu who had returned. She said in a helpless tone: "It's late at night, I'm afraid everyone is asleep, no one will open the door, let alone lend some brown sugar." Her voice was even lower: "I went to look for Jing Bai, but she scolded me with two sentences, and only temporarily didn't dare to disturb Zhu Chi."

  Lan Bi thought I was asleep, and whispered: "Just now the abbot said that it was following the precedent of Consort Shu's time, but as soon as he turned around, even hot soup and water were gone."

  I vaguely heard it, and I felt even more sad in my heart.

  Suddenly, he seemed to think of something and rubbed his hands together with joy, saying: "There's a house under the big tree in the distance, I don't know which master lives there, let me go take another look."

  At dusk, two little nuns who guided the way said that there was a very strange girl living there, and no one dared to talk to her usually. It's better to go ask someone else.

  "Others were unwilling to open the door just now, and I'm afraid they will be even more unwilling now. I'll go take a look first." He then instructed, "Heat up some water and boil another pot, so that the young lady can wash herself conveniently."

  After a while, Xie Yu hadn't returned yet, and I felt even chillier. Suddenly, the door was forcefully kicked open with a "bang". A cold gust of wind swept in, accompanied by a snow-white figure that rushed in hastily. Huan Bi let out a startled cry, saying: "Who is it?!"

  He didn't answer, but rushed to my bedside, touched my forehead and took my pulse. His movements were rough but efficient. After a moment, he looked at me coldly and said, "You've just given birth, haven't you?!"

  I struggled to lift my head, and saw that the person's face was somewhat ferocious, but had a few points of beauty, only that beauty was all frozen like frost, with an extremely cold expression. I looked at her nun-like attire, thinking she must also be a fellow disciple from the temple, so I signaled to Bi Xi not to be alarmed, and forced myself to say: "Yes, today is already the third day."

  She snorted softly, her expression full of disdain, saying: "What's the point of having children for those stinky men? Serves you right!" As she spoke, she tossed a package from her arms onto the bedhead, saying: "These should be enough for you to drink."

  Feng Qing hurriedly took it over and looked at it. Her face lit up with joy: "It's brown sugar! There must be three or four catties of it."

  That person didn't say a word either, and took out a few slices of ginger, telling me to hold them in my mouth, saying: "Hold it in your mouth, this thing can induce fever."

  Seemed to be in a huff with someone, and stormed off again like a gust of wind.

  Right behind her, Tuo Su burst in, panting: "That person has such quick legs and feet, I couldn't even keep up with her."

  "Is she that eccentric person?"

  She said with a smile, "I had no choice but to go and beg her, who would have thought that she would listen to me saying that the red sugar was for saving lives, and finally agreed to open the door."

  Lanxiang served me a cup of strong brown sugar water and said, "In the Buddhist temple, those nuns who lived next door didn't even come to rescue us, it's really heartbreaking. I always thought that monks and nuns were compassionate, but they turned out to be just like the people in the palace."

  I shook my head and sighed, "We were stripped of our titles and expelled, abandoned by the Emperor. How can we be compared to Shu Gui Fei, who voluntarily left the palace with the title of Noble Lady to cultivate herself? It's not something that can be mentioned on the same day." Huan Bi's expression turned slightly gloomy, I was afraid she would feel sad for me, so I changed the subject and said, "That nun from earlier, although her face was cold, she had a rare kind heart."

  Then I held ginger in my mouth, thinking of my Meng Yue, and fell asleep drowsily.

  Note:

  Bhikkhuni: another name for nun.

  ② "Song of Mo Chou": Written by Xiao Yan during the Northern and Southern Dynasties.

  ③"When the pass does not report the invasion of morning guests, the newly obtained beauty is worried": From Tang Dynasty Li Shangyin's "Rich Peace Young Marquis". The full poem is: "Seven countries and three borders have no worries, thirteen bodies wear the title of Rich Peace Marquis. Not collecting gold pellets thrown outside the forest, but cherishing silver beds at the wellhead. Colorful trees turn lanterns into scattered beads, embroidered sandalwood pillows with jade carvings. When the pass does not report the invasion of morning guests, the newly obtained beauty is worried."

  ④⑤ Selected from the Tang Dynasty Li Shangyin's "Ma Wei Er Shou (Part 2)", the full poem is: "Overseas, only heard of the nine states, another life, this life is not yet settled. Empty hearing tiger travel sounding at night, no longer chicken people reporting dawn. On this day, the six armies are stationed together, at that time, the seventh evening laughed and pulled a cow. How can four centuries be the Son of Heaven, but not as good as the Lu family having no worries? This is used to satirize the emptiness and unreliability of Tang Minghuang and Yang Guifei's love, and also ridicules Li Longji's inability and helplessness as the emperor in protecting his favorite concubine, as well as Yang Guifei's tragic fate of being honored all her life but dying miserably at Ma Wei Slope.

  Buddhist nun