Volume 4 Chapter 17: Sick at Heart
As winter approaches, my workload remains busy, but my body is getting increasingly tired, often coughing uncontrollably in the dead of night, and the dry air at the end of autumn and beginning of winter makes it impossible for me to sleep.
Since Mid-Autumn Festival, I no longer allow Xuan Qing to come to Ganlu Temple. In my heart, I vaguely feel that Wen Shi's initial visit was harmless. But if he comes again and is seen by others, I fear it will stir up unnecessary rumors. And I am unwilling for him to be implicated in gossip.
The weather turned cold, and I also became lazy to go to the riverside. Perhaps it was not laziness, but thinking of Empress Dowager's concern about his marriage, I hesitated and stopped in my tracks.
After all, I am not compatible with him. A Buddhist nun and a noble young master, an abandoned empress and a handsome young man, no matter how you look at it, they are not matched.
So, I often just go see him.
This time she came back with a small bowl of warm ice sugar stewed snow pear. She said, "Last time I casually mentioned to the king that you had a cough, and this time he brought ice sugar snow pear for you to moisten your lungs."
I was copying Buddhist scriptures with my head down and heard only: "Put it aside, I'll eat after I finish copying."
Yan Zhen stood beside me and watched me write for a while before saying, "It's been two months since Fang Ruo last came."
I nodded and said, "Hu De Yi had just given birth to He Mu Di Princess and was favored by the emperor after being promoted to De Yi from Chang Pin. Fang Ruo would naturally be busy taking the princess to see the empress dowager often, so she wouldn't have time to come get the Buddhist scriptures as frequently."
"Fortunately, Fang Ruo didn't come. Her frequent visits indicate that some concubines in the palace are keeping a close eye on you, so she needs to visit often to ensure your safety. If she hadn't visited frequently, it would mean that some people in the palace have gradually relaxed their vigilance towards you."
I dipped my brush in ink and said lightly, "It's been two years since I left the palace. They knew I wasn't coming back. After a long time, they didn't care about me anymore. Besides, Hu De Yi had just given birth to He Mu Emperor's daughter and was in favor at the moment, so many people's attention was on her."
"Just... " Yuxuan hesitated and said: "I heard that Hu De Yi can't give birth again."
"Oh?" I put down my brush and looked at her: "How did you know?"
"Wentong Medical sent some cough medicine two days ago, and the young lady went out. The slave and he chatted casually when it was mentioned. Wentong said that Hu De Yi's body was hurt due to giving birth to Princess Ande, and it would be difficult for her to get pregnant again."
I thought for a moment, "Does Hu Deyi know himself?"
"I'm afraid I don't know, if I did, what traces would there be to find after hurting myself like this? Giving birth is always a risk. Even if Master Jin Kang is angry and heartbroken, nothing can be found out."
I smiled coldly. Hu De Yi was the daughter of Jin Kang Weng Zhu, and her child would not be born without a reason. And as for an imperial princess, what's the big deal about being born? In the eyes of those in the palace, what matters is that Hu De Yi has gained favor, but afterwards she will no longer be able to give birth again. No more future troubles. Moreover, even if the child born was a prince, it's unknown whether he would grow up or not.
And this move is absolutely wonderful, leaving no room for future troubles.
"I calmly said: 'Does the Emperor know?'"
"It's better to be unaware of the truth, for once you know, it's not a good thing. Xun Xi smiled faintly, "The Empress's abilities have indeed improved. But poor Hu De Yi!"
"Hu Deyi won't be the first, nor will he be the last, as long as the Queen is still around." I let out a faint sigh and opened the bowl. In the small, jade-white cup lay a few slices of snow pear, its broth crystal clear. I took a sip, and the subtle sweetness slowly seeped into my heart and spleen, as if truly moistening my dry and stagnant spleen and lungs.
I put away the Buddhist scriptures I had copied, and said with a smile: "Actually, Mr. Wen's 'a piece of ice in a jade vase' is also good. But how can a jade vase compare to a bowl of iced sugar stewed pears in terms of being considerate and soothing?"
I coughed twice, and a strange flush rose to my cheeks. I clenched the Buddhist beads on my wrist and said softly, "Rong Yu, you've said too much today."
But in my heart, I understand that even if I don't see Xuán Qīng, his concern is always with me at all times.
The weather is getting colder, and my cough is getting heavier day by day. Originally, I could only cough at night and couldn't sleep well, and I would sweat a lot. Gradually, even during the day, I couldn't stop coughing and panting, often gasping for breath all day, with a flushed face, leaning on the table, unable to write properly.
Feng Qi and Xun Huai were anxious. Feng Qi personally went to Wen Shi Chu's mansion and came back with a dejected expression, saying: "It is said that the imperial concubine Hu De Yi had a difficult delivery and was left in the Imperial Hospital, so Master Wen has not returned home for many days."
I coughed laboriously and said, "Hu De Yi has just given birth to He Mu Di's princess, she is a favorite in front of the emperor and also the daughter of Jin Kang Weng Zhu, so naturally she is very proud."
"Alas, how can it be good? I've eaten so much ice sugar and snow pear, and also stewed a lot of loquat leaves. At the very least, I've eaten an entire loquat tree! How is it that there's no improvement at all?" Just then, Rong Yu held out a bowl of bird's nest and said in a gentle voice, "This is some bird's nest secretly sent over by Wang Ye, it's extremely nourishing. Have some."
I waved my hand and said, "It's nothing serious, just a cough."
Bai Jing's face turned pale, and she said: "This is not just a matter of coughing twice, people are going to be exhausted. In the past half month or so, I haven't had a good night's sleep due to coughing, and yet Qing Bai still sent Miss to the creek to wash so many clothes. I think it's overexertion."
"Girl, say a few less words, for the sake of your mother's severe cough, how can you bear to hear such idle chatter, and actually say that your mother has tuberculosis?"
The blue air solidified and said: "Who spoke like this? I see that the young lady was tortured by them!"
I gasped with a tight throat and said in a hoarse voice: "Say two less sentences."
Just as they were talking, the door was pushed open with a "bang", and a group of nuns rushed in. The leader was Jingbai, who shouted impatiently: "Our Ganlu Temple can't accommodate people with tuberculosis anymore, and there are still pilgrims who dare to come? The reputation of our hundred-year-old temple cannot be ruined by such an unlucky person."
Her face turned pale, and she said, "Who says our young lady has tuberculosis? Which doctor came to see her? How can you talk nonsense like this without fearing heavenly thunderbolts?"
Jingbai pulled open the curtain and said with a frown, "Even if it's not tuberculosis, it's almost as bad. Coughing day and night like this, others can't even get a good rest. Just looking at him is unlucky!"
I couldn't help but swallow my pride and said in a low voice: "Sorry, I'm not feeling well, I've dragged everyone down."
A little girl stretched her neck and said in a shrill voice, "If you know you're dragging others down, hurry up and leave. This kind of behavior is disgusting."
With a swift turn of her white eyeballs, she spotted a bowl of bird's nest on the table. Her throat suddenly became hoarse and, with a shrill tone, she exclaimed: "Look! She's a thief! The stolen goods are right here!"
My eardrums were pierced by her loud voice, and listening to her slandering me with such eloquence made my face change color despite my good self-cultivation. I said, "When speaking, one must have evidence; what did I ever steal from you?"
Jingbai's face turned red with anger, and she pointed to the swallow nest on the table, her voice stern: "Only I and Master Shouzhu in Ganlu Temple eat swallow nests. Where did this come from?"
I subtly changed color, hinting at Rong Yu and Fen Bi not to speak up, how could the origin of this swallow's nest be mentioned?
"Your doctor hasn't come to see you for many days, don't say that the swallow's nest was brought by him. The palace ladies haven't come either in two or three months, who else would send you swallow's nest? The abbess's and my swallow's nests are placed together, every day they are cooked and sent over by my disciple Mo Jie. If you didn't steal it from my room, could the swallow's nest have grown legs and jumped into your bowl?"
Several young girls beside Jingbai echoed: "Yes, yes, every day she comes back with firewood and must go to the master's room to say something. She must be resentful of the master's strict treatment of her, so she took revenge by stealing the swallow's nest."
"I said coldly, 'A monk doesn't speak deceitful words. Since the swallow's nest is always in Master Qingbai's room and it's something you eat every day, if some went missing, you should have discovered it early on and gone to look for it. Why did you only mention this matter of a thief when it reached my place?'"
"Enough of your nonsense! If you have any skills, just tell me where this bowl of bird's nest came from. If you can't say it, then you must have stolen it from me!"
"How can you have swallow's nest and no one else is allowed to have it?"
Jingbai laughed and said, "Others may have sent some things to the temple! But don't worry about who it is, she's an unlucky person who was driven out of the palace, with no relatives or friends. How could she possibly have such valuable swallow nests? A thief is a thief, and denying it won't work!" He then shouted loudly, "Go invite the abbot!"
The girls standing around and watching were all sneering and whispering to each other, eager to see a joke.
I have never been so slandered, I am furious and stunned, my chest is churning like a stormy sea, feeling suffocated.
The residence was reached very quickly.
She looked at me with pity and said, "How did you get so sick?"
I felt a heavy and suffocating sensation in my chest, making it hard to breathe. Jingbai said: "Master, we've caught the thief red-handed, don't worry that the one who stole the swallow's nest is a thief! How can our temple's hundred-year reputation be tarnished by a single thief?"
I clenched my fists and held back tears as I said slowly: "Master, I didn't steal."
The abbot sighed lightly and said, "What was just said about pulmonary tuberculosis?"
I shook my head, "I didn't get tuberculosis, and no doctor came to see me and said it was tuberculosis, I just coughed badly."
"Can I take medicine?"
Ling Feng supported my body and said: "According to the prescription, take the medicine, but it has not taken effect yet."
A young girl said, "Mo Chou has been coughing day and night for more than half a month now. Actually, she started coughing two months ago, but it wasn't as severe back then. If it's not tuberculosis, why hasn't she gotten better after taking medicine for so long?"
Everyone echoed: "Look at her, she's so thin, and when she coughs, her face turns red like this. She must have incurable tuberculosis, absolutely cannot live with her."
The abbot looked around at everyone, his expression sad and helpless. He turned to me and said: "For now... your body is not well, and everyone else is unwilling to live with you anymore. It's better if you move out first."
I felt a hollow sense of grievance in my heart and said, "The abbot knows I have no relatives or friends, where can I move to for the time being?"
"Can't the abbot uphold justice? Can he only listen to a group of nuns making a racket, isn't that too weak?"
Before the words had fallen, Jingbai took a step forward and slapped him in the face, shouting: "Can you also blame the abbot?!"
Fen Bi's face was red with shame and anger, she covered her face and bit back tears, grasping my hand tightly. Fen Bi's hands were trembling slightly, neither of us had ever suffered such humiliation before.
"May I say something to you, Master? We don't know if the young lady's illness is pneumonia or not, but she's like this now. Looking at the sky, it seems like it's going to snow outside, and for a while, where can we move her to? Can you please be flexible for a few more days?"
As soon as she finished speaking, the girls led by Jingbai burst into a clamor, saying in disorder: "She's so sickly and weak, how can she live with us!"
"Coughing during the day and coughing at night, are we still going to sleep?"
"She's a thief! Today she steals a swallow's nest, tomorrow who knows what else she'll steal!"
"If Mo Xu didn't live in Ganlu Temple, none of us would have lived either."
I saw the abbot's head as big as a bucket, and he was in a dilemma. For a moment, I was furious, and with a bow to the abbot, I said: "Since Ganlu Temple can't accommodate me, I shouldn't make it difficult for the abbot either. Just one thing, I'm not a thief, and this swallow's nest wasn't stolen." I turned my head to Huanbi and Xiancai and said: "Since Ganlu Temple can't accommodate us, let's leave." As I spoke, I ordered, "Pack up all the boxes and trunks."
Lan Bi's eyes welled up with tears as she nodded in response, just about to help Rong Yu gather their clothes when Jing Bai stepped forward and said hastily, "Since they're thieves, we need to inspect each of these chests one by one. Who knows what you might have smuggled out..."
Zhù Chì said: "Jìng Bái, don't say anything more!"
Jingbai couldn't help but feel resentful, rolled her eyes and ultimately didn't make another move.
I was both angry and anxious, with a surge of energy in my chest, and my vision began to blur. I had to sit down and watch as the servants collected the water.
Under the gaze of everyone, a person suddenly rushed in from the side, it was Mo Yan.
She stood with her arms crossed and said: "Are you leaving?"
I nodded slightly and said, "Yes."
She coldly swept her gaze over the crowd, saying: "This kind of place is not worth staying in. I'll send you out!" As she spoke, she quickly and efficiently helped Huanbi and Gan Cai pack up together.
The abbot sighed faintly and said to me, "There are two Zen rooms left in Ganlu Temple on Lingyun Peak. You can go there first to rest and recover from your illness. Everything else can wait until you're better. At the very least, you'll have a place to settle down."
I forced myself to bear with the discomfort and nodded slightly.
After packing up, Mo Yan looked at me and said: "Your face is so pale, how can you go to Lingyun Peak? It looks like it's going to snow outside, I'll carry you on my back." As he spoke, he picked me up and started walking outside.
Behind her, the little girl muttered and said: "It's indeed a clever trick, just flip over the mountain from Ganlu Peak to Lingyun Peak, but still need someone to carry it."
Mo Yan turned around coldly and said fiercely, "Whoever dares to have any more nonsense, come find me to talk." The surroundings fell silent, Mo Yan let out a cold hum, and walked out quickly with his back to me.
The mountains are gloomy with impending snow, the wind cuts across my face like a knife. Fortunately, Lingyun Peak and Ganlu Peak are close to each other, and I arrived in less than half an hour.
"Alas!" cried Fen Bi, "How can we possibly stay here?"
A small Zen room, two bedrooms with one bright and one dark, a small dining hall, and a small courtyard in front. It seems like no one has lived here for a long time, it's dilapidated and dirty.
She glanced around and said, "It's still livable after cleaning up. There are trees in the yard, so it won't be hot in the summer, and the orientation is fine too. It just needs to be cleaned up with some effort."
They worked together and it took two days to barely make the place habitable. Mo Yan helped paste windows and repair the roof, and they finally settled in just before the snow fell. Mo Yan said, "After the snow falls, I'm afraid the mountain will be closed off, and I won't be able to come out of Ganlu Temple often to see you, take care of yourself."
I forced a smile and said, "Thanks, I guess it's still a bother for you."
She patted her hand, "What's the big deal, you can stay here too, it's better than being bothered by Jingbai and those people every day. Take good care of yourself." She thought for a moment and said, "Don't blame Zhu Chi, she has her own difficulties."
I nodded, "I know, it's not your fault."
Mo Yan said: "Jingbai and the others have never liked you, now that no one from the palace has come to see you for several months, they naturally take advantage of you."
I felt a pang in my chest and sighed: "Unexpectedly, even a Buddhist temple like Ganlu Temple is not peaceful."
Mo Yan sneered: "The temple is built in the secular world, can it reduce disputes? Alright, you just take care of yourself now, your complexion looks terrible."
Heavy snow fell in the late afternoon, originally falling snowflakes, rustling and knocking on the windows, Lin Bi and Xi Zhen took advantage of the snowfall to pick up some dry firewood to burn.
The house was tidy, but it was still cold. The small brazier's heat was almost unable to warm my body. Huanbi and Qiantai sat by the brazier, covering me with all the clothes and quilts that could be covered. My body was still slightly trembling, feeling cold, yet my lower body felt like a block of ice, while my upper body was scorching hot, unbearably dry. I dazedly half-opened my eyes, outside the thin window paper, large snowflakes fell like goose feathers, swirling and dancing in the air, making the world seem chaotic. Huanbi and Qiantai's icy hands took turns to apply to my forehead, I was deeply dizzy. In a trance-like state, it seemed as if Huanbi was crying, my head was buzzing, as if thousands of horses were galloping, causing a painful headache.
It's so hot and unbearable, like being roasted under the scorching sun at noon on a summer day, or sitting by the stove with flames burning inside. There are countless tiny fireballs rolling around in my body, like fireflies dancing inside me, making me parched and restless, desperately tearing off the clothes and bedding covering me.
In a daze, it was as if I had hugged a large block of ice that was extremely comfortable, and the coolness seeped in, soothing the heat and pain in my body. The ice melted away, but after a brief moment, it cooled down again and came back to hug me. That coolness was like drinking a bowl of chilled iced plum soup on the hottest summer day, with its sour coolness spreading throughout my entire body, making every pore feel comfortable.
I turned over and fell into a daze, losing consciousness, and was seriously ill for a while.